Abusive Daughter-in-law
I find myself seeking out this site because I am engaged to a man who can't say no to his daughter, a woman who is nearly forty with a family of her own, but who is verbally abusive to him whenever he says anything she doesn't like or approve of. But this week is the final round for me. We had an urgent discussion that needed to be held over the future. She refused to have me at the meeting. He sat down last night with his daughter and his son-in-law to make a decision that will materially affect my life and how it is lived. He knew how I felt about being left out of the discussion, and still he went ahead with the meeting.
I am so glad to find people going through similar things, as I was feeling pretty isolated. What is so sad is that he and I get along really well, but he can't say no to his daughter. I saw her blow one day and it was terrifying, and yet he still goes back for more. I don't understand it.
Yet I've been reading comments on this site and it's very common that step daughters feel they can treat their father and his partner anyway they want to and get away with it. Being here, reading the comments, something became very clear for me. I owe it to me to take a stand now before this goes any further. I am going to talk to him, explain how I feel as calmly as I can, how his behaviour around his daughter is causing serious damage to our relationship. If he denies what I'm saying it will be over. Please keep me in your thoughts as the day progresses. Thank you.
Welcome and we will support
Welcome and we will support you, I'm glad you are seeing it for what it is and not try and keep a blind eye, the problem is your Fiance, not his daughter.
SD is adult woman, and not his wife, how the hell can he live with her making his life's decisions and exclude you? I will not stand for it and to be honest, I would've ended it the minute I discovered he went to a meeting, deciding with his daughter, something that will have impact on my life,
He would get home and find me gone.
Anxious you may have saved
Anxious you may have saved yourself a lot of heartache by coming to this site before you marry this man. It took me seven years of trying to fit in with his family before I finally gave up and disengaged.
When I spoke to The Ostrich the other day I said that at the very beginning we should have put down some ground rules, and we should have stuck to them. As it was after I sensed OSD wanted to drive a wedge between us I felt my place was at his side, presenting a united front. However, what I thought was a nited front was really me just supporting The Ostrich in his inability to say no to her.
You really do need to ensure your interests are protected in this situation- you first, always. Be clear with your SO, as they often don't understand subtlety on these occasions. What is more, if he tries to renage on the deal (which I sense he will) you will have to keep reminding him about it.
I don't know how close you are to the wedding, but I would seriously urge you to postpone it for a long,long time- at least until you feel that he will put your interest first as his wife.
He has already excluded you from this discussion with his daughter, and I can only presume it was over finances that she may be entitled to that would pass to you as his wife.
Your happiness and sanity are worth far more than any money this man might decide to give you after SD has had her share.
If you have money of your own,keep a firm hold on it- you never know when you may need it.
Keep us posted too,you will get lots of support here.
Oh yes....I get it
Oh yes....I get it totally!
The deal here is: This is the way it has been their entire lives. At least my DH lived 23 years fighting, arguing, giving in to his kids, etc. during raising his kids, before he divorced BM. My skids were raised to be rude, argue, and control. There is no changing it.
My situation reminds me of what you are going through. If you want to marry this man, this is going to part of your life, exactly as it is now. It won't change. Now....you can have a talk with your fiancé and explain that he can keep it out of your marriage and you will not take this road ever. Or....you can not marry him.
I let myself get involved and would NEVER do that again. My DH is welcome to spend any time he wishes with his grown kids and grandkids; but it took me years to get myself back to my marriage (38 years now) and I am totally disengaged from DH's kids and their lives (8 years disengaged). I made the mistake of engaging to begin with and try to be the "nice SM".
My advice, let your fiancé handle his brats and if you marry this man, stand your ground and keep it out of your life.
Sorry they have already began with you. It is ugly and won't get well, believe me. ((((hugs))))