Need advice with SD’s mom
Hi everyone!
So here’s the back story: I’m not officially a stepmom yet but we’re engaged and getting married soon. My fiancé has two amazing daughters with different women. The coparenting with the youngests mom is going just fine and is what you would hope for with the situation of 50/50 custody. All of us get along and have open communication. The coparenting with the oldest is the complete opposite.
I need advice on how to go about getting myself in check when the oldest mom just bugs me. I usually have my fiancé talk to her and let him do the interaction when she comes for drop off and pick up, but when the situation happens and I have to be there I always stick to bing civil. I never talk negatively about her in front of my step daughter and if me and my fiancé do have to say anything negative it’s always when the kids are asleep and can’t hear anything.
What really just itritates me the most is she doesn’t seem to have the same common courtesy. My step daughter and me talk openly and the other day she said something was bothering her that her mom and her boyfriend were in the car and said “if my fiancé was 6ft under the ground they would smile.” The situation was addressed but things are still brought up to our attention on what stuff they say about us when she goes over there.
Although the custody agreement says 50/50, we have her full time and her mom picks up every other weekend. She has a history of not being around for chunks of time, but has been doing this agreement since me and my fiancé have been together. She works part time, has no car, and doesn’t participate in her life expect on those weekends. I just have so much animosity towards her because here I am being involved and doing my best for my step daughters and she’s putting in no effort at all. Her not being around has clearly impacted my step daughter. For example when me and my fiancé first met and when I did first meet her she asked me if I could be her mom because she didn’t see hers that much.
I do my best to stay positive but this whole situation has been eating at me. I know I can’t be the only one who is or has gone through with this. How should I go about trying to not let her have such an effect on me? What kind of thinking/intervention tricks should I do because I know it isn’t mentally healthy to have someone bug you this much.
I'm not sure how long you
I'm not sure how long you have been with your Fiance, but for me, it got better. Crazy BM has told skids I do drugs, was homeless, only live with them because I have nowhere to go, and when I had an irregular mammogram that required additional pictures (skids told her about it), she told them "Good, I hope she has cancer and dies". The list goes on. I've been dealing with this for almost 3 years. I have heard so much nasty stuff that she has said about me and my SO from skids, that at this point we usually laugh. Mind you, at the beginning, I was in tears because 1) I'm a baby, and 2) I'm not used to people hating me and saying such horrible things. Eventually I realized that I could keep getting upset about it, but why? My SO and I both know she is the most miserable person alive, and it's just not worth it to have her affect me so negatively. We now just laugh when she says really terrible things, because they are so outlandish, I almost feel bad for her. It makes me feel a little better about myself that I could never say the things she does, and that I'm obviously a happier person for her. I can't imagine what a dark place her mind must be. She would also ditch skids with us on her days, wouldn't hold a job, and had nowhere for them to live.
Like you, I don't talk trash about her in front of skids. We want our house to be the normal, safe place. Now, all communication with her goes through the Our Family Wizard app to avoid some of the crap we've dealt with in the past. She can still say things to skids and once or twice a month bashes us on the app, but it's much more manageable. All you can do is be there for them, provide a normal household, and try to brush her off and have little to no contact with her.
I also find that envisioning a bus hitting her, asteroid strike, or wolves dragging her off helps.
Facts are neither good nor
Facts are neither good nor bad, whether positive or negative, they are merely facts. So stick with the facts and use them immediately when the BM gets nasty. Tolerate no crap and explain the situation to the Skid(s) with those same facts.
Zero tolerance, bring the pain, when she gets out of control, smack her with the facts.
I wouldn't speak to or
I wouldn't speak to or acknowledge her at all. This way she cannot accuse you of anything or say that you have said anything wrong to her. There is no reason to acknowledge her. It sounds like she only comes by to pick up her kid every other weekend. Your Fiancee has the child the vast majority of the time. Your home, your rules. If she picks her kid up, great. If not, that's great too. Proceed after 20 or 30 minutes as usual. Go about your life. Life YOUR life! Live YOUR dream with your soon to be husband. And hopefully God will bless you with your own babies together so you won't even have the time or energy to think about her. Let his poor past decision in woman be HIS problem. That's his cross to bear, not yours. Sounds like he did a little better selecting the next time as the other mother is as best as could be expected. And, remember, third time's a charm! Blessings!