frustration
My SO and his ex-wife just settled a lengthy custody dispute a few days ago. They share legal/physical custody, and we have the children 15 days a month. The ex is notorious for asking SO to drive the children if he is going to be at one of their events on her day, instead of taking responsibility herself. One of the things they agreed to is that the parent "on-duty" is responsible for all transportation to and from social events, practices, sporting events, etc., when they have the children. This was agreed to and signed by both parents. The DAY after they signed this, she asked him to bring their daughter to practice if he was going to be there. Then the daughter calls to ask him to bring her to a football game Friday, when she is with he mother, since BM is not going and won't take her. He tells me he hasn't decided what to do yet. Is it me or does this seem like it is just enabling the BM to be totally irresponsible? This is a pattern that developed while they were married, and seems to be continuing. She says no, and he rescues. I'm frustrated, as I don't think it is fair. We do not call BM when the children are with us, and I don't believe it is fair to have the children call him to ask him. I feel bad for the children, but when is enough enough? And when does she become accountable for her own actions? Any advice would be great....
Thank you. I totally agree
Thank you. I totally agree with you!
If it was the first time the kid called asking for a favor, that's one thing. But, this happens ALL THE TIME! BM says no, so they call dad, and he rescues! Like I said, I feel bad because we will be there Friday night, but to me it's the principle of the whole thing. If BM says NO to the child on her day, they should not be calling SO to rescue them..
So hang on, the kid wants to
So hang on, the kid wants to go to this football game as somewhere to go on a Friday night...she's not a cheerleader or anything, right?
And her dad just got out of a lengthy custody battle with mom so that he could have time with his child(ren)?
And he will be there, but doesn't want to "give in" to the mom by bringing her to the game where he will be with you, and not with his child because it's the mom's day, and because he only fought to spend certain days with her? I can keep going...
Makes no sense.
If it's a practice or something that is mom's responsibility it's one thing. If it's a kid asking Dad to go to a football game that he's already going to, who cares if the bm set her up? He can say no 1,000 times but some no's are just stupid.
DH needs to act on this now
DH needs to act on this now and tell BM "NO". If he doesn't it will never end. Yes, the child may miss a practice or game or two but that is what BM is counting on. She is counting on DH not being able to say no to the child. That is why she had the child ask once and don't doubt for a second that BM did have the child ask.
Also, why go to court, spend all that money, if you're not going to follow it.
OMG! Thank you, Sports Fan!
OMG! Thank you, Sports Fan! Those are my thoughts exactly!!! I'm glad it's not just me...
Our BM does this all the
Our BM does this all the time. She has the kids ask. For the first two years (before I came along)DH would jump whenever asked because he didn't want to put the kids in the middle, or he didn't want to tell them no, or he didn't want them to miss out on anything. I've heard it all. DH now knows it's all about BM control and BM getting what she wants and using the kids to get it. It is sad if the child has to miss an event, but it's not the end of the world. Eventually, the BM will stop doing it since she isn't getting her way.
I couldn't have written that
I couldn't have written that better myself...same story, different BM! thank you again!
Exactly, too many parents are
Exactly, too many parents are afraid to just be honest with the kids. Age has to be taken into account as to whether they will understand but in most cases being honest with the kids solves the problem and puts the issue at the feet of the person trying to cause a problem.
My thoughts exactly! Fact
My thoughts exactly! Fact sharing will shut this situation down!!
The only way to break the BM
The only way to break the BM is to absolutely never, without fail, never "rescue" her. The answer is always, without any further explanation, "No". Hard on the kid at first as she'll probably miss a few occasions but once BM catches on she'll probably step up.
thank you all so much! I
thank you all so much! I completely agree with all of you. Getting the SO to understand and actually follow through with this may be much harder.
I'm sorry, but she'll
I'm sorry, but she'll probably never be held accountalbe. If she has them and says no they will always call dad. If he tells them no, he will be a mean dad who doesn't care. The mother should do what she supposed to, but not all mothers do.