DH wants to pay for SS and BM trip...and the end of my rope
Hi all, new to the forums here! I'm a bio-mom to 3 children and a step mom to SS8. We are a blended family as my youngest is mine and DH's. My 2's fathers have absolutely nothing to do with them so I have them full time. We get SS every weekend and all school holidays. BM is useless; can never keep a job, is manipulative, is always 'sick', brainwashes SS and is generally horrid. She only speaks to me when I do pick ups or drop offs but barely. She doesn't bathe SS and I can assume their home is a hovel as he smells like a petting zoo whenever we get him. Poor SS! He is a bit spoiled and tries to manipulate his dad but I don't let it happen. I genuinely love him and our family dynamic generally works well.
SS attends an acting class/group on Saturdays that BM signed him up for without consulting DH and then making him pay for it. It eats into DHs time but he plays football Saturday mornings so it's a non-issue. SS enjoys it and I'm happy he has extracurricular activities as he tends to be on electronics a lot. My partner hurt his back recently and I picked SS up from BMs after acting class last Saturday. She told me there were some papers for DH to look over in SS' bag and gave SS a box and sent us to the car. SS said he had been at the bakery with BM that morning and wanted to buy DH a cupcake as he had hurt himself. I looked at the box and BM had written 'SS AND DAD' on the box as if I was going to divvy out 2 cupcakes to our whole household?!? It was annoying but that's just how she is. Passive aggressive to the max. She also sent a long-winded text to DH saying how bad she felt for him re: his back, blah blah out of nowhere. Turns out there is a chance for SS to travel to NY with his group next year and Have some amazing days out and just a great experience overall. Cost is £1500 for kids and £1600 for adults. DH is paid well and can definitely afford it. BUT, he asked SS who he wants to go with him and of course SS said his mom. DH is considering paying for both of them even though I've asked him not to pay for her. I think he will anyway to keep the peace. I haven't given him an ultimatum or anything but will consider leaving him if he does. It may sound trivial but this isn't the first time he's helped her out (he helped her buy a car once...yet she never dropped SS off or picked him up once she got it). Am I over reacting? Sorry for the novel but o had to get it all out!
You're not overreacting. It's
You're not overreacting. It's entirely inappropriate for him to be putting that much money towards SD and BM to go on a trip. My husband would be telling SD to go with him and he'll pay but if she wants to go with BM, she'll have to talk to BM about the cost. No way would he be paying for BM to go somewhere with SD. BM is a parent and an adult who, if she wants to go with her kid on a trip, she can figure out how to pay for it.
Wow.. your DH kind of stepped
Wow.. your DH kind of stepped in it by asking the kid who he wanted to go with him.
Is there any way in hell the woman could afford her own cost? I am guessing the answer is no. So... if a parent is "required" to attend this trip then the option is that either dad goes (maybe he doesn't want to) or Mom goes ( then who pays for it?).
If your husband is truly very well paid and paying for his son to have her as a chaperone isn't taking food out of your mouths (so to speak), I am not sure I would die on that hill. It sucks seeing her get what seems like a gift, but he sees it as spending money on his child.
No, she's always broke and
No, she's always broke and can't keep a job because she always gets sick and has to go to the hospital or her car breaks down (etc...) so no saving will be happening. I have told DH he should go and spend some time with his son.
It's more the principal of the thing I guess. BM makes DH's life a living hell when she doesn't want something from him then decides to suck up big time to get something she wants. And he falls for it every time. He feels guilty and I get it but it doesn't help that BM told SS that he kicked them out and left them destitute so it's his dad's fault she doesn't have any money! I LOATHE women like her and she does not deserve a free trip from anyone let alone her ex boyfriend!
I agree it's a money grab,
I agree it's a money grab, but BM had already bigged the trip up to SS before I got there.
Great advice about bringing up family and what he could use that money for instead. Thank you!!
He should not have asked the
He should not have asked the child who he wanted. That's a bit of a red flag right there. I'm guessing you have other issues at your house based on that alone. He probably hands over way too much power to this kid that causes a stressful dynamic for you chronically.
Bm should fund her own damn trip. Or dh should go. Or possibly a third party with a freer schedule like a young cousin, older niece or something.
You are distressed because this woman is the tail that's wagging your household -- signing skid up on your time, leaching out money, now wangling vacations for herself on your community property money. I can see why you're on edge.
DH does not know how to
DH does not know how to parent and is a Disney dad. He has improved recently but I have dramatically toned it down from when we first got together (3 years ago). He used to pawn SS off on his mpm whenever he had him so it was very new to him when we spent weekends together as a family instead of him going to the pub alone. DH is a wonderful man and has stepped into the stepfather role amazingly well. He treats all of our children the same and he and his family have welcomed us with open arms. he had a low paying job until recently and now makes more than he ever thought he could, to be honest, so he's throwing money around left and right these days.
I told DH to take SS himself as the trip is during his time but he says SS wants to go with his mom. We have argued in the past about how much power SS has over him and I thought things had changed for the better.
Is DH saving for retirement?
Is DH saving for retirement? For emergencies? For the kids education? For family vacations? If he is not doing any of this, it is time he starts with his newly improved salary, rather than "throwing it around".
Yes, he os being responsible
Yes, he os being responsible with it, I've just noticed a huge change in him since he's started the new job. Hopefully the novelty will wear off soon
So worthless BM sucking up so
So worthless BM sucking up so DH will pay for a trip SHE wants? With Dear SS? And DH will do it to keep the peace? With whom will he be keeping the peace, because it sure as heck wont be with YOU.
Ive been angry when my So gives the BM ANYTHING that is not required. I got a little miffed when we got a new couch given to us, and wanted to sell the old one so we could have a nice dinner out, but he gave it to the BM, because her boyfriend helped us move the new one in. And his reasoning was it would be good to do (aren't we angels?) and that it helps his darling kids (because one sleeps on the couch and doesn't have a regular bed when over there), and that its better than the work involved in selling.
But this takes the proverbial cupcake. I would say "niet" in a hot sugary second. Cupcake or no cupcake...
That's exactly how I feel!
That's exactly how I feel! Why do some men let themselves be walked all over and not realise they're being royally manipulated by BM but think they're just being nice?
Widget - my SO - he thought
Widget - my SO - he thought he was making the divorce process better, back when I first was in a relationship with him. BM would text and ask for things and want more, and it irritated the heck out of me. He reasoned that she could "really screw him" so he had to be nice
I think that's what it is for almost all the SO/DH's out there - they think they will somehow get royally screwed in the court system because of BM spawn, and because in many cases it is true! I have never been married and never thought like that "boy if I get knocked up I am set for life!!!
I think that men have their own urban legends that completely swirl around about the ex BM stuff along with horrible stories that keep them up at night. I can imagine them as little boys under the sheet with the flashlight on a dark moonless night telling horror stories of women trapping them with children, and then taking away all their money/toys/cars/businesses/property from their future manly selves.
But yes. I totally want to shake him when he is being nice and doing/giving stuff for BM.
I would be equally angry! I
I would be equally angry! I know I felt like when my husband did this crap - like he still cared for ex - can't help how I felt. It all finally stopped but like when his son was 20 and worked and he would give him money to buy her gift! Really! It caused so many issues and made me feel like I shouldn't be in the picture even when he said he loves me - it doesn't make you feel any better - and as immature as I sound I am human and I always felt last and that my feelings were never thought of or heard. She the ex wanted him back - I left and he finally heard me - we are together still but it made me feel like crap! Your feelings are validated. I don't understand men's thinking sometimes. I
Was insecure because of his actions
Happy - one of the things I
Happy - one of the things I have always mandated for myself and my sweety is that if it makes either of us insecure, because we are each others priority, then that action should stop. I was insecure for the first few years, because of all the BM's texting and plus I knew their history together.
They had been together about 20 years, had 2 children together, and had just separated when I met my sweety. Then, as we were BOTH dating other folks (he had one other person, I had one) it wasn't an issue, but little did I know that after his dating trials he would still be "spending time" with BM - he took her to a Roots festival (on a Saturday night me on a Friday night), then they would hang out watching movies as home with the kids, go dancing and stuff like that (and were physically intimate too!!!). All that added up to about 2 years or so of insecurity.
So I understand - yes we are human with feelings and insecurities, and if our partner does nothing to alleviate those insecurities then it wont make anyone's life any better.
oh hell NO - if DH pays for
oh hell NO - if DH pays for BM I will file for divorce..... then he might as well take her back.
If BM can't pay for herself she will stay at home, end of discussion and you should simply make that very very clear to DH..... he will not pay FOR BM..... you will kick him out, BM can find a job and start saving, they are divorced, it's not DH's responsibility to keep her happy.... SS can also learn this,
No, you are not over
No, you are not over reacting. Your DH needs to do some research into the definition of the term "Ex Wife". She is on her own. If she wants to go to NY with her kid... she needs to step up and earn the money for herself. I am sure that there will be plenty of kids in the acting group whose parents will not be on the trip. That is what chaperones are for.
Ummmm it's his ex wife. Why
Ummmm it's his ex wife. Why would he pay for her to do anything. It's not something he should pay for
Thanks for all the comments
Thanks for all the comments and advice everyone...he's definitely NOT paying for BM and has told her that if she can't afford the trip he will send his mom instead. He's fully prepared for her not to agree to it and when SS asks why he can't go he will be told the truth - that his mother can't afford it and she doesn't want him to go with anybody else.
Thanks again!
That's great. Thanks for the
That's great. Thanks for the update.
Now one other question: why does Gramma need bm's permission to go on the trip?
Heck no, my ex has allowed me
Heck no, my ex has allowed me to pay all college expenses for his own child-never offered one dime toward it....
I could not imagine this....absolutely insane... (maybe I am just jealous...lol).
It is a deal beaker for certain...