Bitter BM and lack of boundaries and structure
My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship since the beg of the year and are considering getting married. He has a 5 year old girl with a past ex gf. He pays her non court ordered child support every month but They have no real parenting structure outside of him calling to get her approval to get his daughter whenever he is back from working offshore. Ever since he and I have gotten really serious she has been playing little games. The big breakdown began when she didn’t tell him about his daughter’s pre-K graduation and invited her friends instead. He suggested to her that they write a parenting plan and get it court ordered. She kept delaying talking about it. Usually his daughter is bubbly but the very next weekend he got his daughter (father’s day weekend) her attitude was completely different towards her dad and she told him she doesn’t need a dad anymore. He addressed the issue with the bm and her parents when he took her back, and it turned into a nasty argument where the bms parents hurled insults at him, tried to discourage having a parenting plan in writing and were just all around disrespectful. They were most opposed to him wanting to get his daughter for summers starting next year and suggested that once she gets a certain age she won’t have to go with him anymore. The bm later sent a text apologizing for all the disrespect but she’s always apologizing then going back to doing disrespectful things. The next time he talked to her he was asking to get his daughter earlier in the week on weeks he’s home from offshore. After arguing about it she agreed to do it if he comes alone to get his daughter and drop her off from now on. At first i was going to agree to it if it meant him getting more time with his daughter but then i realized if i let her use their daughter as a bargaining chip to dictate our relationship it will only get worse. I told him her decision making ability stops at her daughter and i won’t be agreeing to her making decisions involving me. Btw she just quit her job as she always does within two months of working. It’s a frustrating situation bc it feels like she majorly oversteps her boundaries and he’s worried if he doesn’t concede to certain things she will keep his daughter away. He is trying to avoid the legal system as well bc he doesn’t like the concept of others making decisions for him but at the same time the bm is essentially doing that. I’m just really trying to find a way to cope with the situation bc outside of this he’s a great guy I just feel like this is only the beginning of his childish bitter bm.
My suggestions
1. He needs to go to court and get a CO.
2. He needs to contact school, give them his contact his information, and not relay on her to communciate
I told him that after the
I told him that after the graduation thing happened. He definitely shouldnt be using her as a messenger for everything
Everything has been just
Everything has been just peachy until now because BM had total control over everything. So him wanting to make changes, and you being in the picture, means all bets are off. He is wise to avoid the legal system if he can, men get royally screwed there, and women like this manipulate their kids during custody battles and harm them and their relationship with the father.
Really, you should just stay out of it as much as possible. Don't get into a power struggle with BM about whether you can or can't be there at pick-ups, and don't tell him how he should handle it.
If he can, he should get an order with her agreement and have a judge sign off on it rather than letting a judge decide. Concede some control to her. Try to keep her parents out of it.
I am good with staying in the
I am good with staying in the car as I have always done I just feel it starts with this then moves onto other things. That seems like her MO to test the waters to see what she can control. He already notified her he won't be picking his daughter up from her parents house anymore so they will either go to her house or meet on neutral grounds
Pick your battles very
Pick your battles very carefully with this type of BM. She will make EVERYTHING a battle for control, and not every hill is worth dying on.
**I am not trying to sound
**I am not trying to sound like a complete ass ok, OP**
Off shore work...hmmm cha ching $$$$ I say cha ching because either boyfriend knows no court order means less child support OR BM doesn't know she may get a lot more than what bf is giving her. Run the child support on line work sheet just to get an idea about money. IF BM is not working, oh my this may turn into a huge mess for bf. $$$$$$$$$
No support order means NO record OF child support....If bm gets a bee in her bonnet she can deny bf gave her 1cent. Thus, she can beg to the court child support is given for every month, since the child was born.
2. I totally agree with staying away from BM when bf goes to pick UP and drop his child. Be very mysterious...don't friend her on FB, not ask to be her friend on any social media. Don't give out your cell phone number no matter what.
3. Totally agree about bf being 100percent independent with everything about teachers and the school in general. Ask for email correspondence for teacher AND give teacher bf cell phone/home phone AND bf personal email address. Teachers can reach him with any and all concerns about daughter. Ask for separate parent teacher conferences too. This can be done via telephone if needed. BF should be signed into the portal system to check grades too.
Ask the school to put phone numbers on robo call system. County wide AND specific school announcements, inclement weather, dances etc.
GoodLuck and welcome to ST---
I always stay in the car so
I always stay in the car so that's no problem. I just dont feel comfortable with her feeling she has authority to tell me when I can ride in his car bc it will extend to other things. She's overstepped her boundaries. I agree he def needs to get in direct contact. In the state we're in child support is only retroactive to the date of filing. He has receipts of all the funds he has ever sent her as well. My concern is her shaky employment history. In the state we're moving to this year a spouse's income is not added to child support calculations. I will be making much more than him starting this year so maybe that scaring me is paranoia
He is moving out of state?
Unless just ovre the border, this will make visitation even more difficult
Right now we all live in
Right now we all live in Lousiana . She lives in a city an hour and a half away . We will be moving to another state the end of this year but will only add 30 mins to the trip
You both are unrealistic
A two hour drive? Who is going to handle transport? AT best DH will get Every Other Weekend.
He does all the driving. He
He does all the driving. He isn't trying to have 50/50 custody. Moreso every other weekend, alternating weeks during major school breaks and during the summer
oops missed it that DH works offshore
If that means he comes home irregulaly, then a CO without cooperation of other parent is going to be really tough. He can get EOW, and if he is not home, he likely loses his time. At best, there would be a procedure for make up time, but this is really tough.
He is currently seeking
He is currently seeking employment where he can be home every night. I explained to him his irregular work schedule is part of the reason he's in the situation he is in
Nope, sorry, the BM saying
Nope, sorry, the BM saying you can't be present for pick up is a nope for me. As long as you stay in the car and don't make a scene, she can't say if you can come or not. This will only cause her to push further, as in you can't be there at your own house (if you live with him) when BM comes to get SD, or you can't be there when SD is there at all. Big fat no, she doesn't get to decide those things and use the SD to get what she wants.
Right that's what my concern
Right that's what my concern is bc it starts with that then it moves on to other things, especially when she has made it clear she is a control freak and bitter. I try to stay out their parenting decisions but there's no way I am going to allow her to feel she has authority on what I can do.
I suggest you don’t rush into marriage because
You’ve only been with this man since early this year meaning i assume 4-6 months. A man of divorce has alot of issues and baggage to still address before he brings another woman in the picture
bio mum does not control you ever, remember that so she can demand and chuck a hissy fit all she wants but she doesn’t dictate what you can or can’t do and neithef should your man treat you this way. Because its hypocritical that you aren’t good enough to be there at pickups or drop offs but then you’re good enough for marriage?
you are a packaged deal always!!
you are the reminder that this man has moved on and are the woman the ex wife never could be. Well she needs to pull up her big girl panties and get over the fact she contributed to the demise of their marriage
it also seems the bio mum and her family are actively alienating this kid from his dad and encouraging and endorsing it. Her parents advising against a court order is stupid. You need to have basic things agreed upon for consistency and stability and to avoid constant bickering. This is to protect both parents
you’ll find with alienation that the alienators family and partners get involved with the alienating too
They were never married .
They were never married . They dated for 3 months and broke up and a few months later he found out she was pregnant. She wanted them to get back tg and he didn''t want to and it went downhill for the first few years.
Yes I can definitely see where her parents are contributing to the alienating. People think it's her parents that are making her behave childishly but from what I have witnessed she agrees to things then lets her parents express how she really feels, thereby using them as the scapegoat and her mouthpiece without her coming off as "the bad guy". It's just a crappy situation to be in bc other than this the relationship itself is great and the daughter and I get along very well.
Even still, you barely know this man
As you’ve only entered a relationship and gotten to know him since early this yr. its too fast especially with a man with all these issues to address and know he wants to marry to get through these issues and you will end up overwhelmed.
Don’t fall for puppy dog love and cloud your judgement. I knew my husband 15 months before we married. Even then we still have major issues that still need addressing but i’m lucky i can vent to my dad and my sil’s as they received the same treatment from skids
He has to go to court to make it official
what his visitation schedul is