A yours, mine, and ours situation!
I have never posted anything before so please bare with me, I am new to this! My husband and I have been married for 2 years and have a total of 6 kids. He has a 12yr old D and a 9yr old S, I have a 11yr old S and a 8yr old D, and WE have 9 month old twins a boy and a girl. I guess my issue is with my husband and I really don't know if I am being crazy about things or if i have all the right to feel the way I do and if so then I really need some advice on how to deal with everything. My kids along with the twins live with us and his kids live with their mom about an hour and a half away and we get them every weekend. My older kid's father has moved away with new wife and hasn't seen his kids in over a year and have spoke to them maybe 3-4 times since he left. Which means we NEVER get any alone time except after all the kids are asleep and then its for maybe 30 min before we pass out. My husband is good with them. He honestly does try but sometimes I feel like there is a resistant there. He coaches my son's baseball team ,is involved with my daugher's team, always goes to school functions, tucks them in at night, etc... but there isn't the emotional connection there. I really feel like its because he is afraid his kids would get jealous. When they are here there is always something said about what my kids have or if they got to do something then they are mad because they didn't get to and so on. This is where is really bothers me because my husband pays $1200 a month in CS and has never been late, he also carries full medical and dental and vision insurance for them, has a $200,000 insurance policy for each of them, and drives an hour and a half to pick his kids up and take them home every weekend whick costs about $300 to $400 a month. We are in the process of trying to get things modified so he doesn't have to pay as much because the amount was set after divorce when his x wasn't working and has a masters degree and she quit 1 month before divorce and started back 1 month after and now that we have twins, and also trying to get it where she has to do half of the trip each weekend since she also moved after divorce and since you are only required to go to court over it if its over 100 miles and she moved only 90 miles so my husband has been the one to do the traveling each weekend for 5 years now and hasn't really had to money to go to court, which we really didn't now but we had family members who helped out since we had the twins. I know that his kids are kids and they don't understand everything that is happening and that when they see my kids get something (unless it is a necessity it isn't that often) they want it to but my SD is cruel and mean to my D and is always getting mad at everyone here because she doesn't always get her way and says she doesn't want to come here anymore which hurts my husband and I think that is where he has resentment towards my kids because they live here. She is always going home and making up all kinds of things to tell her mom so that there is a big fight started and in the end my husband and I are the ones who end up fighting becasue he doesn't stand up to his x or his daughter. His x always tells their kids that he doesn't want to do this or that for them because he is busy with us and he can't buy anything because he is spending money here but the thing is, is I also get $1000 a month in CS and that does help with our house and necessary bills etc but I rarely go and just buy my kids stuff even though I want to some times and we never really go and do anything. I know partly because there is babies and during ball season we are always on the go but when there is nothing going on my husband doesn't want to unless his kids are here and I don't think that is right towards mine. If we never done anything with all of the kids it would be different but we do so why can't we do things with just mine, they don't have anywhere to go and get to do things other than here. Also my SS does have problems, he is ADD and Bipolar which I know he can't help but both his mom and my husband always make excuses for him saying that he can't help it. I swear he acts like he is 5. He is on medication which does help but he has gotten where he uses his problems as a crutch and it is really getting old. I am terrified to put my twins to sleep in their room when he is here so to avoid a fuss I have them sleeping in seperate play pins in our room and just tell my husband that I just don't feel comfortable with them being that far away yet. I know this is going to make things harder when they get older and make it difficult for my husband and I to have any alone time but if I told him how I felt it would be an aweful fight and I just don't want to deal with that right now. Its just no matter what his kids do he lets them get away with everything. I mean when they are here he does disipline them but what makes me so mad is when it is the big things like his daughter always causing drama (one time she got my two best friends into it because she decided to tell one of them that the other was talking about her and didn't like her) he told her that she was wrong and that she sholdn't have done that but she is 12 she knows exactly what she was doing and since then she has done other things that is similar and he just lets it go becasue I think he is afraid that they will not want to come here but he is loosing me over all this. My kids love him and they want that relationship with him and I have tried to have a good relationship with his kids but when they leave here and go home they always tell their mom lies and get things started so after that happened over and over and nothing was ever done it made me not want to try anymore. I am to the point now that if they never came back again I would not care. I know this is wrong and it would hurt my husband but when I can't talk to him because he gets so defensive and really won't try and talk things out with me and tells me that I overreact I don't know what to do anymore. I know something will happen eventually but I don't want to loose my husband because his kids get in the middle of us and he doesn't want to say anything becasue he feels guilty for not being there 100% of the time. Any suggestions on how to go about trying to fix things? Am I just being petty? Should my kids suffer becsause he doesn't want his to get jealous? Should me and him never have a weekend to ourselves becasue he is afraid that his kids will get upset if he doesn't come and get them one weekend 2 or 3 times a year? Sholdn't my kids have an emotional relationship with my husband as well?
When I read your post I
When I read your post I thought someone had written a book about MY life. He has a S11, I have a S12 and WE have a S13mo.
Where we differ is that he has a major bond with my son to the extent that my son often refers to him as "dad."
We are similar in that he does not discipline his son because he never wanted him to be from a split home and feels bad about it. The child has learned to manipulate and lie to get his way and if he has done something wrong he cries so daddy won't be mad.
Our relationship is suffering due to his sons behavior, but more so because of his lack of discipline. We fight constantly when we have visitation, but we are relaxed and wonderful during our off times. I feel like I have to walk on egg shells as to not upset his son to try to avoid an arguement ensuing between dad and me. In the meantime, my son sees the differences in the rules, etc, and it's not fair.
One example of a recent problem - his son spends 30% of his time with us (4 days everyother week). Our boys share a bedroom. I have tried to make sure that his son feels like this is his home too, so I made sure they split everything equally - dresser, cabinets, shelves, etc. However, his son does only have 1/3 of the closet. He recently expressed how he feels like his dad does not want him because he doesn't get half of the closet! I was floored. My son packs a bag to go visit his dad and sleeps on the couch. I have bent over backwards to be sure he feels like this is his home too by making sure he has space and it's not good enough!
We haven't taken the boat out yet this summer because it hasn't worked out on a weekend that his son is visiting and the maiden voyage MUST occur in his presence. We were going to go to the Zoo - but he is sure his son would like to go so we MUST wait. Our life is put on hold when his son is not there. It's not fair to me, my son, our son or our relationship.
I would love to have type of bond with his son that he has with mine. I just don't know how to do it considering this 11yr old will shoot me dirty looks when dad isn't looking and has even stated that he is "obstanant" with me but does not know why. He was able to define obstanant! He will wait 30 minutes for his dad to get home to ask for a juice to avoid asking me while his dad is gone.
The one thing I might be able to help you with is your problem with alone time. IT MUST HAPPEN. Without it, your relationship will fail. That doesn't mean that he has to necessarily skip a weekend with his kids - maybe he makes arrangments to pick them up on Saturday instead of Friday, or maybe he gets a sitter for the night on Saturday. Either way, he has to make you and your relationship a priority or it will cease to exist.
I welcome any helpful input from someone who has figured this out.......
You can't stop life b/c a kid
You can't stop life b/c a kid is not there! need to repeat as often as needed! Life goes on weather a kid is there or not. I don't understand why these dads seem to think that it does. I was watching dr phil the other day he said the same thing. If one kid has a bday why wait? Its not like their mom waits on you kids to be present do do they??? it's going to happen that you as a family will do things without one or some of the kids such is life.
Amen!
Amen!
Hi! I am a stepmother in a
Hi! I am a stepmother in a blended family too, and what you describe here sounds all to familiar. However, I want you to know that you are NOT being petty or unreasonable and you are not overreacting. Your role in the family is unlike anyone else's and is by far the most difficult one. Your situation is further complicated if you don't have the support of your husband when it comes to parenting. I've been married for five years, and we are a yours, mine, ours family too. It makes it really hard. I don't have to deal with an ex-wife because my husband's first wife passed away; but, I do get to deal with her family because of my SS. He is 19 years old, hates me, and has sabotaged my marriage from day one. I am reading a very helpful book right now. It's called "Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do". If you have a chance, you may want to look at a copy of the book. I find it so gratifying just to know that there are other women out there who are experiencing similar situations and feelings; and that I am not a monster for feeling the way I do about my SS sometimes. I also attend therapy sessions once a week, by myself. We used to go as a family, but I find it more meaningful right now to go alone. Eventually, I want us all to go together again, as one person cannot ilicit change for all.
I know how hard it is to be in the eye of the tempest, but my therapist told me once: it may not be time for you to go yet, but you will know for certain when that time comes, and you should go. So far, that time has not come for me, although it has been very close.
I hope this is helpful to you, and encouraging, if nothing else. I know what it's like to be in your shoes, and IT SUCKS!!!
Thank you guys for the
Thank you guys for the comments! Not that I would ever want anyone to go through something like this but it is nice to know that there are other people who are going through the same thing and are still sane! I just don't know how much more I can take, my husband and I had a huge fight tonight because the bm started texting him about a pic I posted on facebook of him and the kids that were here today! I really only have a facebook because I don't live near my family and so they can see the kids but anyways his daughter gets on my daughters account and sees the pic and says something to her mom and it all gets started! She starts in on how great it is that he has time to swim with us and how his kids see everything! Come on really am I not allowed to take a pic now unless his kids are here and is he not supposed to come home and spend time with us unless his kids are here? Instead of saying that or anything we get into it! I am just tired of walking on egg shells and fussing when I can not control the fact that his kids don't live here and that when they aren't I still want to live a normal life! Is it really even possible to have that with a man who refuses to stand up to his x and kids at all?
Seriously?? Life does NOT
Seriously?? Life does NOT stop just b/c skids are there!!! Why do people think that? Makes NO sense! Your dh needs a serious dose of reality! Sorry but he is being a jerk about it. Why can't he understand that he and you with your kids will be doing things with out the skids that is just the way life is as he only has them what 25% of the time right?? what does he really think will happen the 75% his the rest of your guys life! That is life 101!
I'm in a blended family, and
I'm in a blended family, and we have managed so far to stay married for 12 years. I say that because we spent 3 years in counseling for the things you have described. SD19, DD18, SS14, DD11
My DD's dad moved 20 hrs driving time away when she was 2.5. However, he stayed involved, talked to her once a week, then when Verizon did the verizon to verizon he got a cell phone and they talked whenever and for however long she wanted. DH loves my DD when you ask how many kids he has he says 4. DD was taught to respect him, and that he was the father figure in this house. I have taught her that marriage is a give and take, and that I might not like everything DH does or says it can not all be about what I want. Make a list and when the bad outweighs the good it's time to pack it in.
So they have a connection, BUT DH doesn't initiate hugs with her and feels uncomfortable when she hugs him.
The older two were like oil and water. It was horrible. What DD got SD felt that she was entitled to. CS was about 1/3 of DH's income and I felt that that was enough. We did do extra's but mostly it was necessities. We bought clothes, underwear and socks because skids would show up and their underwear would be so tight it dug into their skin! For example, SS was in a 4 and wearing 2T underwear!!!!!!!!!! We also paid for horseback riding lessons for SD when she wanted to show our horses in 4H and paid for 95% of that. Both older girls new that if they wanted a new saddle, reins, show shirt that they needed to use their birthday and Christmas lists to accumulate what they wanted. One year, ODD brought out new contesting reins halter, everything in a bright purple, and SD as livid, told her BM that we bought things all the time for ODD and never her. I asked her years later if she remembered that ODD got that stuff either by paying half, or for her birthday/christmas and she said yes after I wasn't mad anymore, and I said did you ever go back and tell your mom why ODD had those things and she didn't......and she said no...and I said, so remember I told you once be careful about playing houses, you have to be prepared to reap the consequences.
Anyway, we also did the - only went out to eat with all of us, only went to the movie with all of us......UNTIL SD made a comment about having pizza 3 times that week. WE started doing more things for the kids that live with us. They are here and work for their privileges.
My mother always said you should be fair..........FAIR does not mean EQUAL. We are now fair.
We have his/mine/ours here
We have his/mine/ours here too, and I regret to tell you that 9 yrs into this, DH still tries to be Disney Dad during the weekend. I can relate to 99% of what you posted. All I can say is that I feel your pain, and I’m sorry.
P.S. block her on FB!!!
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White space and paragraphs please. Long posts without paragraphs are hell to read.