WW3 here!!! Please help!!!!
Ok, so if you haven't followed my story I will give you a quick backstory, if not, just skip to next paragraph. My fiance(FDH) has a SD5 who has a BM that is unbearable. BM had framed pictures of my FDH and BM all over her house, BM calls up to 10x a day, asking what SD5 ate, where she slept(in bed with FDH and I or alone) what she is doing, where is FDH, what are his plans, etc,etc, etc. EVERY DAY! Whether we have SD5 or not. We now have her about half the time, but they have NO schedule for her and that contributes to BM's daily calls to find out when SD5 is coming home, when FDH is picking up SD5, etc etc, etc. I have been putting up with this for 2 months and now FDH's mother(MIL) is here visiting. MIL has told me that she would NEVER put up with BM's behavior and that I am being a doormat. MIL spoke with FDH and he finally spoke with BM and is now making changes to the schedule and BM's calls. BM replied by calling him a faggot in front of her whole family and he did nothing.
But now, FDH is telling me that he is doing ALL of this only because I asked him to, that he is extrememly stressed and when he was single he didnt have to worry about these problems. He said that after this I BETTER NOT ask him to change anything else. He has also said that MIL is talking badly about me to BM and so I shouldnt trust her when she talks bad about BM. I have asked him point blank, "do you honestly not get bothered by BM's constant calling?" he replied by asking me for proof of her calls. and said that she just wants to know how her child is. I said I am not going to play that game, I have been living with him for more than a year and we both know how often she calls.
I told him, I dont want you to do anything only for me. I want you to make a decision from your heart. Do you honestly like BM's behavior towards you and the way that things have been with you and BM? Do you honestly think that it is normal?? Or do you honestly think that things need to change? If you dont think that anything should change you need to be honest with me and I dont want you to change. I will just make my own decision from there. I am NOT a controlling person and I dont intend to start now. He told me he only wants peace and he is now in the bedroom thinking because he told me he couldnt take anymore of this conversation.
I CANNOT for the life of me understand why he isnt bothered by BM's behavior and I feel that she controls him and his thought process WAY more than I do. She is extremely fake and I have NO INTEREST in controlling a man, if he loves me and we share common life goals and interest, good, if not then its time to say goodbye.
WHY IS THIS SO DIFFICULT??? what are your opinions???? please advise!!!!
If a man DOESN'T have a
If a man DOESN'T have a problem with his EX acting and being like that and he HAS a gf/wife then I would most definitely wonder wtf is up with that? There is absolutely NO NEED for BM to be acting like that and him tolerating it! What BM is doing is unacceptable, rude, and disrespectful. PERIOD.
That twit needs BOUNDARIES...NOW!!! And if he not willing to do that because HE LOVES YOU then he is disrespecting you and you should not stand for it!!! EVER!!!
I am awaiting his response
I am awaiting his response but already grieving the loss of our relationship. I absolutley agree with you. And I feel like shit. Very sad. Very very sad.
This was my first impression
This was my first impression too. Sorry.
"But now, FDH is telling me
"But now, FDH is telling me that he is doing ALL of this only because I asked him to, that he is extrememly stressed and when he was single he didnt have to worry about these problems."
If he hates not being BM's doormat so much and liked it better single, let him be single he'll go through gf after gf till he finds the doormat that will put up with it.
I told him the same thing, I
I told him the same thing, I am NOT being out of line in what I am asking for and ANY respectable woman would want the same. He is still in the room alone hasnt come out yet...
He obviously cannot "let go"
He obviously cannot "let go" of BM. Sounds like it just not going to happen.
I agree with you - you cannot be happy "controlling" another's actions. If someone really wants to do something and only stops because you order it, you have solved nothing.
He wants to keep this relationship with BM and resents you making him stop. It doesn't mean that he is "in love" with her or that he does not love you.
But it also doesn't mean that you have to stick around with a man who already has another woman in his life that he is putting first. Doesn't matter if it is his mother, best friend, previous partner, etc.
He gets to keep BM if that's so important to him, but you get to choose if you want to accept a life that has her in it (and with her being more important than you).
Choose wisely. Love alone is never enough. Love rarely lasts when day to day life is unbearable.
Totally agree thats why Im
Totally agree thats why Im only asking him to be honest to himself and to everyone involved. WHY IS THAT SO HARD for him???
Choose wisely here...He is
Choose wisely here...He is telling you who he is.
I know this doesn't get to
I know this doesn't get to the root of the problem, but if BM keeps calling because there's no set visitation schedule, then one needs to be written up.
The Bioparents can draft one up themselves and submit it to court. Shouldn't be too hard to set up.
FDH has already set the
FDH has already set the visitation but at this point I am waiting for his response before we move forward with actually acclimating everyone to the schedule.
As my mom has told me, he probably likes the drama and attention. Which means I will not stay. Waiting for response.
What's there to "acclimate"?
What's there to "acclimate"? Set the schedule and start today. The sooner it's started the sooner the constant phone calls can stop. I think your mom is right, your DH probably likes the attention and drama.
Are you a certified
Are you a certified psychiatrist? Because in my opinion you are extremely intelligent and I greatly appreciate your response. My mother also said that BM was manipulating him. And I agree. And many things that you have written are spot on. He is sitting right next to me and still hasnt responded with an answer to my question, whether he agrees with me or not. I feel like once he looks me in the eye and tells me either A) he doesnt want things to change or
we can work through this together
then I can as a woman and a fiance make my own rightful decision.
Like I said, in my opinion if
Like I said, in my opinion if you are not a certified professional then I dont know what better advice one could possibly give.. THANK YOU SO MUCH for your detailed responses, it really means the world to me. I understand that my FDH needs to hear it from a proffesional or at least someone that he trusts and at this point the only person that that consists of is BM. I agree that he is a clueless yet great man and if I dont find a solution quick, this will all be over. I do not have health insurance and neither does he but I am looking into it as we speak.