What's the difference between having kids and being married?
Just wondering everyone's opinion on this, since I always see a TON of posting about being the "second wife". Usually us women feel that being the second wife we get the short end of the stick and the husband doesn't treat us with the same love/respect/financial responsibility as he did or STILL does to his "first family" and first wife.
So it makes me wonder:
Do you think this rule also applies to men who have been engaged before? Or men who have kids with someone but were never married before? Or both?
Me personally, my FDH told me he was never engaged before, then I recently found out he was actually engaged to BM(they were together for 7 years and have one kid). To me it makes a HUGE difference that he was engaged and not just in a relationship, regardless of it being very long term or not. He says that he never really intended on marrying her, that they got engaged in the beginning and then they didn't really take it seriously after a few months and never followed through with it.
But then 3 years into the relationship they intentionally decided to have a baby together. So if he wasn't serious about marrying her, then how the heck does that make any sense? :?
Anyways, I'm just wondering what you guys think, in general, does it matter if DH was ever married to BM? Or does simply having a BM in the picture make it the same commitment level as having an ex wife and kids?
Yes, that is at least one
Yes, that is at least one GREAT thing that has come out of filling out all of those stupid visa papers is that he has to get a background check and have prove of where he lived, worked, etc for the past five years. And if he was married or divorced he must show proof because the gov will find out anyways.
I personally take marriage very seriously, I know in this day and age most people dont because so many people get divorced. But I truly believe that till death do us part should be just that. Thats why traditional vows say for better or for worse, as long as we both shall live so help me God etc, etc.
I feel like it depends on the
I feel like it depends on the situation. I feel like in some ways I am shafted because he married her, and had SS to help build a connection hoping it would strengthen the relationship as she had a son with a previous man. DH was 22 and silly but he says he didn't love her. Personally my ex also had a ex wife and kid and it didn't seem as bad - I feel like it depends on the type of BM. I have friends who date people who were never married but deal with just as much psychopathic stuff as I do, yet then I look like at my previous relationship they were married yet it never felt like it.
I feel like personally sometimes I have issues knowing he was married, and actively tried to have a kid with BM. Mind you there is a lot more to my situation which makes it hard to forget they were married from not only BM but her mother the other night coming up to me and talking about their marriage. Which physically makes me breakdown and sick thinking about. DH is good about reminding me that it is now about us and we don't discuss the past and try to keep it to the basic needs of SS with BM even when she goes nuts. I feel like BM and I are such different people as she is lazy and just useless yet even with my little income I try to help and still do things for DH and don't ask for funds like she did. I feel like the important thing is remembering why you fell in love with DH/DW and y'all situation not the past.
I completely agree with you.
I completely agree with you. As I said in my post above with my ex he was also previously married but it never had an affect. Mind you I knew DH while he was waiting on BM to sign divorce papers - their divorce took well over a year and 8 months for her to sign the final decree as she wanted to change petty things even after the agreement had been set in front of the judge.
I know in my situation as in previous post my BM will still wear my DH's clothes, talks about their furniture, and will refer times when he was "her husband". Most of the time I can block this out but when I can't it will make me physically ill to think about as I try to move forward in our relationship and out objectives in life where she dwells on the past, and will even make comments to SS about it - which keeps it somewhat fresh. I am thankful to have such a understanding DH in my situation and makes he sure that I know he loves me, and whatever they had is no longer he simply just wants to provide a meaningful and successful life for SS, and when SS is over here we are a family unit without BM - well somewhat family unit I don't cuddle with SS or anything but I do my roll and we are our household without the input of BM.
I don't understand it but I
I don't understand it but I fear she will never move on, and it will get worse once we have a child it will get worse - I am grateful for DH though. He keeps me focused on not letting her bother me and trying to distance us from her craziness.
Sorry your BM is like that,
Sorry your BM is like that, sbm014. I TOTALLY dont understand these women(and sometime the husbands, too) not wanting to move on. I even try to put myself in their shoes and try to imagine how I would act if I would have had a baby with one of my ex boyfriends and I know its impossible to say how one would truly act but I'm sorry I would NEVER allow most of the situations to happen if I was them.
Just like another poster said the other day, if they really wanted to do things "for the kids" then they should just stay together in the first place. Its really so bizarre to me. I think a lot of times it probably mostly the man who wants to have his cake and eat it too. I think that in general, MOST of the time if BM is doing crazy shit its because DH hasn't given her good enough boundaries.
I truly don't understand BM I
I truly don't understand BM I would want to move on especially with all the comments she has used to describe DH after their divorce. Like I said I fear jealousy that she will deal with as we expand our life more but am so grateful at how DH protects me, and handles the situation.
I will say I know my DH truly tried to stay with her especially for SS but he just couldn't. He stopped almost everything for her, paid for a counseling session she ended up not showing up to, among other things. From what it sounds like she would do what she needed for enough amount of time for him to stay and then go back to her old ways including having a filthy house, having laundry legit piled (she still does have a filthy house and even sent one of SS shirts FABREEZED for school, it was one we bought she was returning). Mind you he works offshore so half the time he didn't even know what was going on at the house. I truly believe and know he tried but he couldn't handle it anymore.
Even SS4 says he likes his daddy more now because his dad doesn't get angry, and he DH doesn't have to work multiple jobs to pay the bills anymore (BM refused to work and wanted to be a SAHM, and would go overboard on spending on toys for the kids (every trip to the store they get one)) so he actually is able to spend more time with his son. And he does everything he can to spend time with his son and give him a structured yet loving life at our house.
Sorry, went way off topic.
Sorry, went way off topic.
It's just a matter of having a history. I have been married before, so him being married before doesnt bother me. It's WHO he married and had a child with that bothers me to no end, and the fact that he made it clear to me he has no intentions of marrying again.
Which sort of makes me feel like crap, but after my divorce, I said the same thing for years.
And yes, if she had a ring, he was planning on marrying her. Maybe he is telling u he didn't, to not hurt ur feelings. Child, kid...ring... You can see where they were headed. And if he went through all that, and says he had no intentions of marrying her, then he was stringing her along and was being an asshole, if she really wanted to be married.
This right here makes me feel
This right here makes me feel grateful. DH and BM were married for 5 years of what he refers to as hell...and I can't stand it but he wants a kid with me to be able to show SS what a true family can be - mind SS has already forced us to create somewhat of a family dynamic but DH says he never loved BM but because of how much he loves me he wants a child because he can only imagine the life we could give a child with our live and respect together, and yearning to actually live a successful life unlike him and BM as she is a lazy C-word.
I feel very lucky not only
I feel very lucky not only that he wants a child with me, but how he handles our situation and my emotions that go along with it. We have our issues but they are rare and he is magnificent at how he handles BM in our situation.
I never said he actually
I never said he actually referred to BM as a c-word I did...we never down talk BM in front of SS. As adults we talk about the situation and yes sometimes refer to BM as not nice words but it is between closed doors and only between us. My DH tried all he could but BM legit wanted and still wants to have a life provided for her without doing anything. SS doesn't respect his mom yet at our house says "yes ma'am" and "no ma'am" and knows how to treat women including myself and anyone else around, though he knows his mom will take a "ya" or "I need" unlike myself - DH is the one who taught him to respect me and even DH calls me ma'am. We can't help his mom doesn't require respect, unless we are around because that is one thing DH won't let SS do even under BMs control is to let him blatantly disrespect his mom does not fly.
My DH is wonderful how he handles our situation and my emotions on it.
And if we bust up ever which I would fight not to I am pretty good at admitting to my downfalls where as BM plays the victim so I would probably admit to my part in our split
I'm very stuck on the fact
I'm very stuck on the fact that you just recently found out he was engaged to BM for (7?) years? You didn't know this before? I'm sorry, I don't follow many stories but goooooood grief I read your blog, and run.. Run fast.
Thanks for the advice. Yea,
Thanks for the advice. Yea, pretty crapy, huh? And the thing is I had point blank asked him numerous times so its not like he got confused on the question or something.. sigh...
No, this is not just pretty
No, this is not just pretty crappy. This is horrible.
So he deceived you? He lied, point blank? Ring or no ring, and varying customs aside, if he lied to you about this period of his life, then how can you believe any word that comes out of his mouth? And you're still giving this man headspace? :jawdrop:
You should really, really take a step back and rethink any kind of future with him. Unless you are ok with him lying to you about fundamental details of his life. (And if I am misunderstanding this in any way, I apologize.)
No, you are not
No, you are not misunderstanding, you are right. He kept saying he didn't really consider them being engaged because they never set a date and really planned it like we are. That he only asked her because her dad was traditional and he had to stay at her house.. blah blah blah. Excuses. He did admit he was wrong and apologized at least.
And, yes I am leaving in a couple weeks to go home so I will be able to really take a step back and re evauluate this shit storm of a mess called our relationship. Until then I will probably keep posting about this all since I am technically still in the middle of it.
unless there was a ring AND
unless there was a ring AND and a date, they weren't engaged. i think so many women stay in a relationship when the man in their lives dangles a ring and a promise in front of them. your future dh has just admitted to doing this. in his eyes, he WASN'T engaged. sure, she may have had a ring and a promise so she played house. i think men also have kids also to pacify the woman (a throw-back to before men were made financially responsible for the children they create). as long as there's not a document saying he's been roped and tied, he feels not responsible. they sure as heck get a wake-up call when those child support orders come in. i feel women do themselves (and their children) a terrible disservice by having children before marriage. sure, kids born out of wedlock are entitled to certain benefits, but will always have the knowledge that their father didn't love their mother enough to marry her. i certainly hope you have a ring AND a date.
This is what I kind of took
This is what I kind of took from their situation also. Since he told me that she wanted to have a baby with him from the first month they got together. Which means he was stringing her along and is probably a dick. I just dont get why someone would do that, make such a life long decision just to pacify a person?
The ring thing is kind of confusing because they dont give the women an nice diamond engagement ring in brazil (he sure as hell gave me one! lol) they actually both wear a cheap ring on the opposite hand, then after marriage switch to wearing a gold band on the marriage finger. I have seen the pic where BM is wearing her ring(its her F%$King FB PROFILE pic! from like 10 years ago! :sick: ) but FDH says he didnt wear his for very long and neither did she..
Anyways trying to make sense of it all would probably drive anyone insane.. it sure has to me..
Yes the customs thing is
Yes the customs thing is strange and adds to the confusion on my part.. It's like who knows maybe people here see that HE isn't wearing HIS engagement ring and think that he isn't taking me seriously..
They never went to court and he doesnt want to. He has always paid CS and he owns a business so even if he doesnt get a job right away he wont have any trouble paying.
DH only married the incubator
DH only married the incubator because she told him that either they were getting married or she was having an abortion. They had only been dating less than 2 months at the time (she got knocked up the night she met him- stupid, stupid, stupid DH!! moving on...). My problem is less with the fact that he married her- its the kind of guy he his. Family is everything. The thing that bothers me is how many times he took her back, EVEN after the divorce was finalized. She literally broke up every relationship that he was in since her by promising to be a good wife and how much his ex SD and son needed them to be a family... blah, blah, blah. This might be one of those- God works in mysterious ways kind of thing. Maybe he was meant to wait for me... and when she tried to do that to us-- thankfully it didn't work.
I can't really say which is worse. I know that either way, when you have Skids, it is thrown in our faces that the person we love had a child with someone else. That other person will always be there, lurking. It makes many of us angry, it can make us bitter and resentful. And mostly it just kind of hurts sometimes.
OP has plenty of really good
OP has plenty of really good reasons to bail out, but she won't. BF wants a trip to the USA and his green card and he has got OP so twitterpated she isn't thinking straight. I'm betting he'll get to the USA, get his citizenship and then find a way to bring SD, MIL & BM over here. At that point, either OP will have to tolerate them being here or finally leave him. BF would have gotten what he wanted at OP's expense. I'm also betting OP won't leave this month like she says she will. It's very sad.
If I'm wrong, I'll apologise.
I know I am totally caught up
I know I am totally caught up in this mess but I am leaving in 2 weeks, the ticket is already paid for and I am not changing it. FDH is not gonna pay for it be to changed again for sure. And I am so ready to go now. I still do love him and it is still really sad and hard but I promise I am leaving.
I don't know why your FDH
I don't know why your FDH would plan to have a child with someone he didn't even want to marry lol but that is good for you I think! My DH also was never married to his BM. It sucks that he has a kid with someone else, but it makes me feel good knowing he didn't care about her enough to make her his wife