Why are husbands clueless to what bothers us? Or, are they???
It's me again. The newly married wife of 10 months!! I have a 8 years old biological son and a 9 year old stepdaughter, both full time live ins (they both go away on weekends only). Adide from the obvious adjustment of raising another child full time, im still struggling to open my heart to this child. He feels I should love her ad my own and instantly. I must admit that I definitely do not feel this instant live he keeps pushing fit and certainly not ad much ad my own son. But I keep asking him to just give it all time, let things profess on their own. Let us first cement our marriage, we're neelyweds for heavans sake. I'm adjusting to a husband let alone another child. But he keeps pushing!!
I find myself so irritated half the time when she's around. He spoils her and let's her get her way, all she has to do is cry. He can see my face, he knows it bothers me, he knows the no nonsense parent I am to my son. Yet, he still makes these spoiled decisions. Is he just clueless? I'm thinking not. I think dh's know very well when we're irritated by something, but, they basically don't care. Their concern is their child. Sometimes when he mentions something to me like his daughter not wanting to go to her moms for the weekend and he feels that she should have to go if she doesn't want to; it gets me so upset. I'm thinking, this is her moms time, let her go! We need our time, we need a break. She had a mother!!!!! Ughhh!
Sorry for all the typos.
Sorry for all the typos. Typing on my iPhone.
Clueless, could have been a
:? Clueless, could have been a movie about DHs (lol) but really I think they do know perfectly how irritated we are, yet they just fall right into guilty daddy mode :sick: . The more you disengage from their relationship, the more they will both grow up and take on responsibility or they will both end up disgusted with each other (Skid for lack of parenting and DH for lack of respect/morals/you name it.) Good luck and keep your head up!
What??? Me clueless?????
What??? Me clueless????? :?
I disagree that we "basically don't care". We definately care, the issue is that often women (that would be the generalization that will likely get me smacked) are not pleased with our answers or with our actions so we learn to develop selective hearing.
This does a couple of things for us. It lets us avoid unpleasantries that we know we are not going to be able to fix to your satisfaction, and ...... we don't think the issue warrants the importance that you think it warrants so we just don't hear you.
Who cares if the yard gets a few inches taller before it gets mowed, who cares if the laundry piles up for another day (you are just going to wash it anyway }:) ) ..... Too bad the problems you have issues with are usually not this simple.
Then there are those things that we know we can't fix and are embarrassed about .... again we ignore them and you (when you are complaining) because ignoring the issue (and you) allows us to avoid the embarrassment of not being able to fix it. We are fixers and if we can't fix it, then we shrug and move on. Which drives you ladies crazy.
Just know this ladies. We do care, and we love you and the kids more than we can possibly put in to words.
SO SHUTUP AND DEAL WITH IT!!!! }:) Ha! (this line I am kidding)
Best regards,
I agree that what you say
I agree that what you say holds truth..& I even am guilty of some of these tactics as a SMOM! but I do not agree that it is a productive way of dealing. What it is called is laziness..3 fingers pointing back @ myself here..the kids don't learn & I've seen many go on to disrespect more than just parents, step parents, but cruelty to animals, other children, no respect for any authority, & juvenile prison. When do we stop being lazy & SHOW that we really care & love our children & significant other by DOING SOMETHING rather than just shrugging it off til we get the call our step teen is being held in jail due to suspicion of murder?
So basically DH's know when
So basically DH's know when the child is acting spoiled and inserting themselves and they also know when we are irritated by it, but since they can't stop spoiling, they just ignore the issue. We are left to just deal with it! Not good. Builds resentment on my part and makes me close up even more.
I think it's all about
I think it's all about confrontation. Men generally do not like confrontation.
My whole point is that he
My whole point is that he seems to ignore the fact that certain things bother me, as opposed to ceasing to do what bothers me. I know he knows when I'm irritated, ESP when it comes to his BD. I bite my tongue, but he is well aware, yet he continues it. I understand the confrontation thing, but this is about maybe changing the behavior. It's like, he knows what bothers me but i guess he just thinks oh well, gonna keep doing it. But then in the same sentence, I'm not opening up enough to his child. A spoiled child would turn anybody off!
I don't think anyone *likes*
I don't think anyone *likes* confrontation. Sometimes it's a necessary evil to confront the dynamics of the situation with the goal of correcting it. Ignoring the reality brews pent up anger-- for everyone. I have had many discussions with BDs where the BD pacifies the situation because they do not want to rock the boat with their Exs or bios..yet have no problem sabotaging their current relationship...
Go figure!
My H is aware of what and why
My H is aware of what and why I'm bothered by certain things but he disagrees that there is anything wrong with what he's doing so I guess I just have to deal. Well I'm dealing right now. I have locked myself in my room for his kid's entire visit (other than work) so far and have no intentions of interacting with them or coming out until she is gone. He doesn't care about what bothers me then I don't care about him being upset that I don't want to be around them. We are only 2 months into our marriage so there are a lot of kinks to work out. Thank God for this place and all you people. The mens' points of view are a nice bonus.
OD, My mind is not so big.
OD,
My mind is not so big. It is just so full of random musings that occasionally one of them sounds reasonably cogent.
If I had to guess your mind of quite substantial in size and more experienced than mine.
Best regards,
Just seeing if I can relate?
Just seeing if I can relate? Does your DH have EOW and you CP?