Where to Go From Here
Been with BF for awhile now and I do love him very much. He has a son who is disabled. Good kid just very bad learned behaviors. I have begged him to correct these learned behaviors so we can take our relationship to the next level like living together. But we cannot move forward until these bad behaviors are really corrected. I just refuse to live my life that way, the behaviors are just gross. They can be corrected because it certainly doesn't happen in school and the son knows where he can get away with these behaviors. No one corrects him or even tries to improve these behaviors outside of school. BF is totally guilt ridden and in turn doesn't bother to correct anything. BF is totally unmotivated in life it seems to me. Dead end job. Refuses to put the effort in to get a better job so we can live a life without so much struggle. No drive no ambition no goals. Just groundhogs day over and over with broken promises of doing better. I love him so much but I am not sure this relationship is ever going anywhere. He says he wants a life with me and has promised countless times to work with son but hasn't done a thing to improve things. How long am I supposed to wait for him to Find drive and motivation? Would you stay? I've been hearing for two years now how he knows what he needs to do in life but makes no moves whatsoever. I would live w the son but not how things are right now. It's too much for me and it's not acceptable behaviors. I don't want to leave him but I also don't want to waste more years here. Don't know How to proceed. He is broke but rich in love. I have my own money don't need his. He just doesn't care to do any better knowing doing better is a necessity for us if we do combine our lives. I'm a broken record asking him to motivate and to do better with son and his own life but nothing gets done. Just more broken promises. Don't want to lose him but I constantly go back and forth in my mind about walking away.
You know what to do
You see your situation clearly. You know what to do and why. Putting aside any issues between you and SO, if you are on this site, you know what happens when a dad wont parent. Gotta let this guy go. I'm sorry, breakups are hard but you will get over it. Your future self will thank you a million times. Good luck.
Thank You
You're right. I am on this site for a reason. I was second guessing myself because of the love I have for this man. But you're absolutely right. I do know. I guess I just needed to hear what I was thinking come from someone else. Thank you for taking the time to reply!
I could really identify with
I could really identify with your post because my ex was just like that.... totally unmotivated.
He would promise over and over to start preparing to launch his (adult) daughter but never did anything. Then he would try and guilt trip me by saying things like "I know I'm useless" etc...
You know what you need to do.
Thank you
So you are someone who really understands what I am saying. It's a tough situation because the love is there but the reality of the situation is that I need somebody that is on my level that wants the same things I want and really goes for them instead of just talking about it. I am extremely motivated I am extremely driven and I do not stop until I complete my goals. We are just two different people but the lack of motivation is a huge turn off. Thank you so much for your reply to my post I really appreciate it
This guy isn't a prize
He doesn't have the drive to better himself or his kid. You can't make him change.
Leave him and find someone else who's values are more compatable with your own.
Yup Exactly
I don't think this man has an ounce of drive within him. Absolutely not. He talks a big game he knows what he needs to do he knows what he wants for a future but just does absolutely nothing to get there. I can't change him I have tried for many years. And by the change I mean motivate him to want to do better. You are correct. Thank you so much for responding to my post. I appreciate your thoughts
Unless you are willing and
Unless you are willing and will be content carrying all the weight in your relationship, This relationship isn't for you. If after 2 years you have questions and doubts there is a reason why. Trust your instincts and judgement.
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your reply. It's been a lot longer than two years but I feel like the last two years is when I've been really harping on him doing better for himself. He just doesn't he's all talk..I agree that I will be carrying the weight of this relationship forever should I choose to stay because if he lost his job I can hold us I can't say the same for him. And again it's not about the money it's about the motivation and the drive to do better. I appreciate your thoughts
"SO, don't tell me, show me!"
"SO, don't tell me, show me!"
Exactly!
Exactly what I am saying! Tired of the talk
So not only is he not a very
So not only is he not a very good father who is unable to exert any authority - but he's broke - presumably doesn't have a job? or is just shit at managing money? Either way this will be two sources of drain on you in the future and I think you are quite right in wanting to see change in these areas before you consider making any further commitment.
You’re Not Wrong
Def a lazy father! He is broke because he doesn't make enough money to survive! This is one of the issues, not motivating to get a better job so he can do better! Just settling for minimums constantly while I'm out here busting my butt working like a dog to complete all of my goals. We will never move forward at this point and I deserve a full life. Ty so much for your thoughts! You are correct!
If he really love you
He would make you first. As getting a job where he can provide for you and his kids. Sit on DS to be better. He's not stupid, he knows his DS is a problem,
You have your answer. You love him, but he doesn't love you . You want a DH not another son to take care of.
Yes yes and yes
Yup he knows his sons bad behaviors are a huge issue. I have spoken to him many times. But how many conversations can we have before I figure out he isn't going to do anything about it. Just broken promises. 2+ years of him yesing me to death and not following through. He just doesn't care I guess or he would do what he needs to do and man up. I need to plan my exit and stick with it. Thank you for your reply!
If it is only the feelings of
If it is only the feelings of love, neither the love nor the relationship will last or be of any quality.
Love is action. If your mate is not taking the actions of love including putting you and your relationship first, effectively parenting their prior failed family progeny, and keeping their X in their place, the actions of love are not being demonstrated.
In that case, don't waste your time on this mate.
Move on. LIve your life well.
Be good to you.