Of course, no child is perfect. The thing is that many who have disengaged have done so because their spouse does not parent, but excpects them to parent. Then, when the SS/SD is disresepctful and won't listen, the bio parent blames the step parent. All a step parent's amo come from the bio parent; if bio parent won't back up step parent when they tell SS/SD to clean their room/do their homework/stop lying/speak respectfully/whatever, then the SS/SD learns that they do not have to do anything step parent says. Once that attitude is established in the home, there is really nothing left for step parent to do *but* disengage. I know that I, for one, would *NOT* cater to the demands of some little creep who perpetually treated me like crap just because I was married to his/her father. I'd let dear daddy know that I wasn't putting up with it and they were his responsibility now.

I think about how my own kids act all the time. My SO is very patient and not critical with my kids, so it makes me feel even worse when I get upset about his kids. I feel like I have to preface anything I say about his kids with "I know my kids can act whatever-fill-in-the-blank, but can you plesae not let SD whatever-fill-in-the-blank". Sometimes I even privately get extra irritated with my own kids when they do something wrong because I feel like it negates the issues I have with SO's parenting style (or lack thereof).

For whatever reason I still find my own kids loveable no matter what they do, so it makes me feel so guilty that I harbor these negative feelings about his SD in particular...although I've come to learn that the issues are more about what he lets her get away with than about her personally.

The babysitting thing is never really a problem for us, although I do get perturbed when the BM sends SD over to our house whenever she feels like going out. I can see how the SMs that post here get mad at the DH who disappears for fun-time on the skid weekends, but that's all on the DH (and the SM for tolerating it), not on the skids...

I agree with the previous posters. I for one will not let my child ever get away with what my husband lets his children do. We are having a child together and I have already told him that I have higher expectations for this baby. Hopefully it won't cause us any problems.

"I for one will not let my child ever get away with what my husband lets his children do."

DITTO!

I would never purposely raise a crop of axe murderers due to poor non-parenting, phoning it in, excuse making, pity partying and free ranging.

Thank god my bios are well adjusted adults b/c I put in the TIME and EFFORT to make sure that every day they learned something new and were instructed daily.

I agree with everyone else here. It's not that we think our children are perfect and the SKs are not, but rather that we have free license to actually parent and discipline our own children but this is not the case for many of us with the SKs so instead we get to come here and complain about the things the SKs do that we would've nipped in the bud a long time ago if they were our children!

Agree....we have free reign to discipline them. ALSO-no doubt you have an unbreakable emotional bond with your own kids that is very hard to have with a Skid.

Particularly if the skid acts very much like a disruptive crazy BM and any sight of skid is like having "the ex" in your home for 2 days and not being able to do much about it.

I know for a fact my SD behaves a lot worse then my bios-even her father admits this and he feels guilt at the fact that he feels he has more 'say' in the boys raising then his own. He also feels like it's having his ex and all her behavior EOW visiting...not fun. He seems to not mind spending all this time with my sons but starts getting anxiety when it's his wknd to see the SD...so it's not only us that can't stand their behavior. My bf definately sees her for who she is and doesn't bury his head in the sand. And he tries to correct and discipline-though rusty he's doing better...but truth is he's half way disengaged himself for many reasons.

As to babysitting-NOPE....we are seriously dating but I would not pick up for him if he's working, BM can take that to her support group or whomever, I do not think I will change that approach even if we marry.
YES, he may kick in w/my kids more then the other way around but that's because I don't take advantage. His ex is notorious for giving an inch she takes a whole football field...so if I did it ONE time I'd be screwed-she would demand and get her way-she does now all the time with others. So he knows I wouldn't be picking up his responsibility when he cant' even if we marry.

He'd likely go to his parents first if he needed a sitter.

my kids are not perfect at all-they all have faults and I have NO problem seeing them and also talking with my dh about them or anyone else that would like to listen. I WANT people to tell me (of course as nicely as possible) about my kids bad behavior so I have an opportunity to address it with them. My kids also annoy me often.

However, when they act up I give them consequences, we talk about it, it gets resolved. This dissipates my anger and frustration and often turns into a time in which I feel good and competent as a parent. When ss acts up-there are no consequences, he cuoldnt give a bigger shit what I might have to say about it, he never admits wrongdoing, and usually mouths off if I even dare to bring it up. Nothing is ever resolved-my anger not only dissipates but grows due to his attitude about whatever issue upset me in the first place, and I end up feeling "punked" by a kid.

If my kids ever acted like my ss I would be disgusted with them. I would deal with them much more harshly than I "deal" with my ss or anyone deals with my ss. For example, my ss plotted to murder my son, pretended to by psychotic for 3 months, cost us thousands of dollars in tests, hospitalizations, etc and he got a day of sitting out of the swimming pool on a camping trip (about 3 hours). This was consequence given by dh. On the other hand, My kids went down to a empty house a couple of houses down from ours one afternoon and sat in their carport and had a "clubhouse". This was the second time they had gone down there-after being told not to. They were not allowed outside for 2 weeks, nor allowed to go anywhere with friends. These events all happened around the same time and the kids are all within 1 year of each other in age. This was also consequence given by dh-which I fully supported (inwardly thought it a bit harsh but outwardly supported it all the way since i figured it would help my kids understand that they must listen to us and to not trespass on other's property)

So, IMO, i dont think ss annoys me more because he is a STEP-he annoys me because he is the person he is. It is not even how dh nonparents him (although that is also annoying)-I really dislike the person he is and how he seems to lack morals and values and seems to have no real feelings for anyone but himself.