Trouble with wacky biomom
:? Letting go... I'm not sure what to do at this point. I am (legally) a stepmommy to a wonderful 3 yo boy. DH and I have been together for 2 1/2 years, legally/common law married for almost 2 years, and are having a public, religious wedding ceremony in 4 weeks! SS and I have an amazing bond and relationship. The problem is with his biological mother. She and DH have not been together for 3 years and were in no way, shape, or form together when he and I met. He did have one indiscretion with her in the beginning of our relationship. (We have made leaps and bounds getting past this problem) But BM insists on continuing nasty, hateful, threatening behavior. It baffles me how a person can be so intimidating, threatening, and rude, but at the same time act like a victim. Her version of the story is that she and DH were married (they were only common law - she says that our common law isn't a real marriage but hers was), happy, and he cheated on her with me and left her and the baby. ALL A LIE! Did I mention that she CONSTANTLY asks "when are you ever going to be honest and marry her?". She diminishes the relationship I have with DH and SS. She says that I am not a stepmom, that I am not his wife, and ultimately, I am the worst human being on the face of the planet. Her new insult is that i am a bad influence. She is saying that I am teaching him about death and cussing... WHAT?!?! That's crazy. I don't let him watch inappropriate movies. He isn't even allowed to say "butt" or "fart" in our house, it's "bottom", "hiney", "booty", "toot", or "pass gas". I'm not a biological mother, but I do have a tremendous bond with this child and am helping raise him to the best of my ability. So, here's my question, and plea for advice: Should I let go? Should I step back and let DH solely deal with BM? This situation stresses me out every single day. It's constant drama. Nothing has been easy with her even for one second. So, I'm thinking that I should step back, relieve myself of the drama, and allow DH to deal with all of it. Has anyone else done this? Does it work? How did you deal with feeling like you're losing control in your own family?
Since you live in OK neither
Since you live in OK neither of you - you or BM had a common law marriage with your FDH since OK does not recognize common law marriage so in four weeks when you have your wedding then you will be married and your BM since she never married your Finance has never been married to your FDH.
http://www.unmarried.org/common-law-marriage-fact-sheet.html
The BM will always be there and she will always cause trouble and you need to let your DH deal with her - if you deal with her it will only cause more problems. And as much as you do for your SS it still does not make you his mother and you may be a better mother to him than his BM but legally you will never be his mother and unfortunately while you do all of the work and love him very much your soon to be SS will still always love his mother and will protect her to the end.
So step back and let your FDH deal with the BM it will make things better for you in the long run!!
Agreed.
Agreed.
I agree I never talk to my
I agree I never talk to my bm. She thinks she can talk to me when we are dropping off or picking up but I never respond I let dh do it. She does not exist. The only way I know about this stuff is that she will text or tell the boys something.
In ok you are not common law married I have lots of family there and nope no common law. So you will be married when you have your wedding. She was never married to him as there is no common law in Ok.
I would back off til you are married though. your FDH needs to handle her period. you say nothing or do nothing to or for her ever.
Ladies, I wish the common law
Ladies, I wish the common law issue were that cut and dry. Unfortunately for us, it isn't. The same papers we signed that allow me to receive insurance through his policy are essentially a legal marriage license. They did have to legally get divorce, and if, heaven forbid, we were to separate, we would have to legally divorce. Other than that, there is no common law in OK.
As far as issues with BM, we have several mutual friends, SS says things, and FDH says things as well. I am very protective and I do not like for situations to get out of control. I am an avoider and extremely non-confrontational. I always thought 'if I'm nice to her and respect her, then she will do the same in return'... Not the case at all. It's so hard for me to try to come to the realization that some people just can't let go and rise above, even if it is for the child and the greater good. As most of you know, OK is small. We all have mutual friends, we run into each other randomly, etc. Eventually we will be at sporting events and such together. How will BM act then? How should I deal with it? I am very friendly and outgoing, but when I'm in her presence I almost feel like I should be a wall flower.