Too many issues!
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I'm ready to scream! Too many issues and they all drain me. BM/ExWife, SKids, MiniWife! Withdrawing money from our joint account with no explanation! Withdrawal from our marriage with no explanation! Boundary issues between DH and SD! NO boundaries between DH and BM! No intimacy! Trust is dying a slow death over here. Too many issues. I'm ready for an affair.
I did just say that out of
I did just say that out of frustration. I'm not cheater material but I didn't expect all THIS! No one seems to be accountable in this relationship but me and it's aggravating!
I had no idea pre-marriage.
I had no idea pre-marriage. We waited until marriage for sex and everything else. A few months after saying "I do" I found male porn on his cell phone. It really bothered me and I asked him about it. He said he liked "ALL" porn and that it didn't mean he was gay. Our sex life was ok in the beginning but then the strange requests backed up my thoughts that maybe he likes men. Who could I ask?!?! Nobody!! How could I ask anybody? "Does male pornography downloaded on DH's phone mean he's gay?" I kept shaking my head about it and now with the complete shutdown of intimacy I'm all over the scale wondering what's going on. Does it make him gay because he downloaded male porn? Do straight guys do that?!?! That question has lead me to doubt and question everything else about this relationship.
Straight men in general do
Straight men in general do not download male porn on purpose and or like it. Many straight men aren't going to wait until marriage to have sex, especially one who has already had a kid. Most newlyweds don't lack intimacy.
So in general you have a lot of red flags staring you in the face concerning your husband's sexuality.
So was he gay?
So was he gay?
^^^^^^"Makes me REALLY wish I
^^^^^^"Makes me REALLY wish I could talk to his ex wife. I'll bet SHE'D have some stories to tell." THIS may explain their strange relationship! After their divorce he saw his Ex 7 days a week either picking up or dropping off his children. That 7-day a week schedule only changed recently when I told him I couldn't deal with it. What's the point of getting divorced and re-married if you're going to see and talk to your Ex every single day?!?! She KNOWS but she'd never tell me. Hell, HE knows and he's not telling me! OMGoodness!!! I married a gay guy! I'm totally sick!!!
I have a very good friend
I have a very good friend right now who is dealing with general pornography that has significantly damaged his marriage. He delved into porn in the first place because his first wife turned off the intimacy and then later revealed that she was homosexual. That led him into a life of pornography as his sexual release. Now, that addiction has come to affect his current marriage to the point that she told him they needed to separate yesterday. So, pornography can be very damaging to a marriage because of the effects it has on the viewer's values and worth placed on the innocent partner.
You are dealing with alot of issues that make your marriage unsustainable...lack of boundaries with BM, SD being a mini-wife from the sound of your initial post, you being placed way down the family hierarchy, trust issues from so many directions, and now male pornography. Any one of these is enough to torpedo your marriage if not corrected.
So, if staying in this marriage is what you want I would focus on one issue at a time. The tenet of this thread seems to be the lack of sexual intimacy and male pornography. From a completely heterosexual man's perspective, I would NEVER view male pornography. The fact that you are newly-married and your DH does is a HUGE red flag that something is amiss...and it isn't you. The fact that you only became sexually active after marriage only magnifies that to me. You should be having sex on a near-daily basis as most newlyweds do. Heck, I still do with my wife and we've been together for nearly 10 years.
Don't accept his flippant response that he likes "all" porn. That's totally B.S. Confront him further and explore his sexual past if you must. A professional sexual therapist might be good for both of you. Let's face it, there are many men who are closet bisexuals/homosexuals and mask their sexual preference with a wife. My younger sister nearly fell for that charade and called off her wedding to a homosexual only a couple weeks before going down the aisle.
In the end, you deserve much better than this. Do not accept this as normal and get out of the marriage if he will not commit to some form of change and/or counseling.
I am a damn idiot! When it
I am a damn idiot! When it happened I KNEW it wasn't normal but I had noone to confirm it. I've told him time and time again that we feel more like roommates than man and wife. And the unusual sexual request really left ME weirded out. I kept thinking that it was something a man would do to another man. My thoughts yesterday were about how I would handle him coming out. We promised each other we would never leave the other for any reason but THAT declaration should be a deal breaker. I'm an idiot and feel that he set me up! This explains the hour long showers every night when he gets home, he was probably hoping that I would be asleep when he got out! It would also explain the depression he's suffering from, he's not happy if he's hiding! OMGoodness... My mind is completely blown. OMG!
I've got to bring it up
I've got to bring it up again! I've been asking about the lack of sex and why. Yesterday I realized that I was always so nervous about the answer that I never let HIM answer. So on our lunch break I brought it up AGAIN but this time I kept quiet. I asked him what would he think if I said "I'm just not in the mood for sex?" I also pointed out that in nearly a year of marriage there's only been one instance where he initiated it. His response? "I like it when you initiate!" As for his lack of interest he said "I didn't say I wasn't in the mood for you, I enjoy you I really do. Just cause I'm not in the mood for sex doesn't mean I don't still enjoy you." THAT WAS IT!!!! He told me his break was over and we would talk more about it when he got home but I woke up this morning to realize that he came in from work, showered and got in bed without waking me up! This morning instead of getting up with me to go to the gym before work...he had the covers pulled over his head and didn't move! I left and I'm not in the mood to hear from him today via phone! If you can't talk to me face to face, don't call my cell phone and expect a conversation. I don't think he'll admit it to me because he hasn't admitted it to himself but all the signs are there! He has succeeded in putting me in a zone of not ever wanting him to touch me again, so mission accomplished on that part. I don't have anything else for him.
I don't doubt that there's
I don't doubt that there's more than I have seen. I do want to know the entire truth though, I don't care how ugly it is! I want to know for sure but in the meantime I'm sticking with my female intuition. This isn't my first marriage so I know for a fact that a man shouldn't be able to lay night after night beside his woman and not touch her. And a side effect of Low T isn't downloading gay porn. I hope I don't become mean or nasty in my attempt to find out. I wish he would just fess up and save me the effort.
Echo is pretty much correct
Echo is pretty much correct about us men. Even if we like our partners to initiate it on occasion (or all the time in your case), we definitely would seek it out if it's been very long. She's also probably correct that he did more than just watch male porn but likely "got off" on it too.
If you really want to get to the bottom of this issue, then don't go into attack mode or he will only withdraw further and not reveal anything to you. You must come to him in a heart-felt openness where he feels completely safe to discuss it with you. Anything less than that and he will probably reveal very little if anything at all. Try to be as open-minded as possible about his side of the story.
It may be that these are new feelings that he is embarrassed to think about let alone talk about which may be sending him into a state of depression. Depression is one of the biggest reasons for lost libido.
Whatever you do, do not nag him about it because that will get you nowhere fast. Instead, be more passive-agressive with him. If he likes it whenever you make a nice dinner for him, stop doing it. If he likes for his clothes to be washed and folded for him, stop doing it. Whatever it is you do to make him feel loved and comforted, don't do them for him. Whenever he begins to notice that things for him aren't what they used to be and that he is feeling rejection from you in a very passive way is when you will finally start to get through to him. Then he may be ready to talk if he initially shuts down to your therapeutic approach.
Very helpful information,
Very helpful information, thank you! He's a great guy, I adore him and whatever the problem I want to be supportive and I will be. He's my friend.
ok and this would be my area.
ok and this would be my area. lol. I have known men who were married had kids yadda yadda in an attemot to surpress their homosexuality due to societal standards or religious background etc. and their marriages crashed and burned out and the unsuspecting wife was the victim of course, but you have to understand that HE is a victim too. for one reason or another...prob. a few dozed reasons...he doesnt feel like it is ok or safe to be himself if he is in fact gay. My own ex husband had a million red flags with that too. several of my friends even approached me before the wedding saying "i swear if he wasnt marrying you i would think he was gay" but i refused to see it. about a year into the marriage with him admitting to a love of gang bang porn..lot of guy not alot of girl...and also withdrawn from sex..like to the point of...we are in the middle of the episode, not right now...dude we have tivo wtf?! i even tried making him a sexy video to which he just said it was funny. years after the divorce and now going into my 2nd marriage im still CONVINCED hes gay for several reasons, not just the sex life and porn prefrence.. but he was brainwashed catholic growing up...and i mean brainwashed... i was raised baptized even went to catholic school. him and his mother on on a whole other level of crazy catholic i never knew existed! like crazy brainwashed catholic. anyway he firmly believes homosexuality is against god and being gay is eternal damnation so i think he may unfortunately spend his life in denial with depression because he was never taught that its ok. I dont know your hubbys background, but he doesnt feel safe comming out theres prob a lot of emotional damage behind it. If your communication is crappy you may never get him to come forward about it to you or himself. but he is just as much a victim in all this as you are so PLEASE try to understand that when you bring it up again. Maybe even start subtly. show support for the gay rights etc. talk to him about the gay marriage issue and see how he responds. if hes against all that he may never come out. if hes more open to it id try sitting him down and saying look, these are some things that ihave noticed with you and they have made me think. Im not going to judge you or hate you, but im wondering if its possible that you might be repressing your sexuality. Explain that regardless of your own feelings you want him to be honest with you, and if he is supressing his sexuality that it isnt fair to either of you and it can and will cause emotional damage to pretend like everything is fine the way it is. Just try to be supportive. Try to let him know that you arent going to blame him or get angry, yes you have a right to those feelings, but if you want closure and if you want him to be able to open up you have to make it a safe environment for him to do so. Im soooo sorry that you both are struggling through all this. I hope you can find the courage to face this lovingly and try to understand his pain with all of this as well. Good luck. im sending you all the positivity in the world cuz regarless of how it turns out, you're gonna need it. Deep breaths my darling!
I really don't want to see
I really don't want to see him suffer about anything, I have no doubt that the truth, whatever it is, will eventually surface. I just hope that the fallout doesn't injury either of us.
I did start a conversation
I did start a conversation last night Echo and it yielded NOTHING! I was calm and soft spoken. I started by asking "Do you trust me?" "Do you trust me with YOU?" His response to both questions was "Yes, I trust you with my life!" I admitted that his behavior lately has left me with so many horrible questions and those questions are taking over my head. I admitted that I had started an active investigation into what the problem could be. I SAW HIM WAITING TO SEE WHAT I KNEW FOR SURE. I told him that his lack of mental presence and intimacy makes me wonder if he's cheating, if he's gay or has desires for men and just hasn't told me...he stopped me to say "I'm not that guy!" He was so calm, so quiet, almost as if he was waiting for my evidence before he would confirm my fears. He asked me if I trusted him...I couldn't answer. I told him I KNEW something was going on. He surprised me when he came back and asked "Yeah those things are horrible, huh?" I used that question to let him know that none of them were issues that we couldn't get through together. He didn't admit anything. I counted it as Round 1 and rolled over to go to sleep. He attempted to hold me...but it was so pushed that he backed away and went to shower. It's like he's afraid to touch me. I didn't cry about it until I got to work.
I may be paranoid but I felt
I may be paranoid but I felt like it was a personal question, almost like "would you view me as a horrible person?" I agree Echo. His calm was not normal. I failed to mention that I also asked if he was still watching porn and when was the last time. He told me he hasn't watched any in "a while!"
It seems as though he's being
It seems as though he's being VERY non-chalant- it would drive me freakin bonkers! I can only imagine how you feel and what a confusing and emotional situation. Echo is right on and I think you are handling it well so far but I think we all know you can't continue in a relationship like this. Would he be open to therapy? My advice would be to seek someone out who has experience dealing with homosexuality (pretty easy to find actually, google it for your city) If you don't have insurance theres many places that offer free or sliding fee scale and go by yourself, let all this shit out. See what they say and eventually bring him in with you if he's willing to go.
Sorry you are going through this and I know it may not feel this way but atleast you are finding this out sooner then later. Good luck and keep us posted
Sorry for these questions
Sorry for these questions because I know it must be hard dealing with this and the unknown. To understand the situation, however, you must address them.
What was your dating life like? I know that you said there was no sex before marriage, but what about things like holding hands in public, putting your arms around each other, passionate kisses, romantic dates, a soft touch of the hand just to say "I love you". Was there any of that during the courtship, and if so, how frequent was it? Those experiences will have a direct correlation to what is going on right now.
He was very touchy/feely when
He was very touchy/feely when we dated. We did everything but sex... long walks, dinner dates, movies and sometimes we just sat in the parked car in front of my house and watched the sun come up but we talked the entire time. He wasn't shy of open displays of affection... holding hands, kissing and he still does that now. But there's a distance that wasn't present a month ago... He's always proud to show off his "trophy" wife to any and everyone. He tells me daily that he loves me and I have no doubt about that. I've even wondered if there are health issues that he hasn't shared with me.
If he was passionate and
If he was passionate and romantic during the dating stage, then something has happened to send his emotional life spiraling. I'm beginning to doubt that he is homosexual because the dating experiences that you described just don't add up to my own personal experience with my sister. Her fiance (who admitted homosexuality after she broke off the engagement just short of marriage) was as cold as a clam with her most of the time. I can still remember how unaffectionate he was with her and it sent off warning sirens in my head that something wasn't normal about him. Any guy with a pulse would have been all over her given the opportunity because she was beautiful with an amazing figure.
Maybe porn is the issue and maybe it's not. If it is about the porn, then it could be that he is embarrassed that he stumbled onto it one day on the computer and liked it so much that it has become a closet addiction to him. I just don't know about the male porn, though, because that just doesn't match up with how he acted with you pre-marriage.
Because his pre-marital actions and current actions just don't mesh, it could be a medical condition that he can't cope with yet and is afraid to reveal to you. It could be issues at work because they are a huge emotional drain on men. Something may have happened that triggered a memory from his past...it could be so many things other than homosexuality. From your descriptions, he sounds to be in a depressed condition resulting in unusual and confounding behavior.
Dig deep in your memory about the time you noticed a change in his behavior. What was going on in your lives? What events took place surrounding the change in demeanor? Those could shed clues about whatever issues he has.
Don't give up on him yet. There is more at play than meets the eye, I feel.
Therapy yes! i agree... i
Therapy yes! i agree... i would say either go yourself first or let him know that you are struggling and want to seek help for your relationship. dont try to force him to go but find a therapist that deals in issues of sexuality and if hes not jumping on to go dont push himjust start going on your own. A lot of people like to live in denial about how big issues really are sometimes. especially men, they feel like if there is a problem then they are failing so they sink into denial to avoid feeling like a failure. If you start going to therapy on your own it might be a good wake up call to him that this is not something that can just be swept under the rug. Dont talk to him about your sessions unless he asks and keep an open invitation for him to join you, but dont go into detail about your sessions. he needs to realize you are serious about working through the issues and he will get curious about your sessions and if the only way to find out what is happening in the sessions is to join you he will eventually ask to tag along. or if after a few sessions he still isnt showing any interest maybe ask him to come with you for "support" so he doesnt feel like you are trying to gang up on him but that you are asking for his help. You are handling this very well. Just keep up what your doing. continue to stay calm and open, and reassure him that you are not there to judge and you just want to support him. All in time.
He's NOT gay! I tried to post
He's NOT gay! I tried to post this update but the system's not accepting the new blog so I'll update here! Thanks Autopilot!!
I'm so thankful that I was open with him about all of my thoughts and fears. Someone suggested that I talk to him and we did but the fist conversation left me feeling worse because it added to my list of questions. However, we talked again...and then again...and then again. I started the conversation last night with the statement "You're gonna hate me for what I'm about to say!" He assured me that there was nothing I could say that would make him hate me! I revised the statement "You're not going to "like" me very much then!" He thought I was about to ask for a divorce, instead I told him I didn't want his children to come back to our home. I went on to explain that the BM had snatched them away from us after the stolen ring incident and that wasn't right to do. He faithfully pays his child support and has seen the girls everyday since their divorce except during seperate vacations. He's never been away from them til now. They haven't been back to our house since SD apologized to me for stealing the ring and BM said she wanted to keep them close to her until she could determine why SD14 was acting out. I told him that BM's selfishness was cruel and uncalled for and was an attempt to really punish him for adjusting the boundaries and his availability to HER.(dropping off and picking up and transporting and the 7-day back and forth, all of which meant he saw his Ex every single day. He did all the running around while she had very few responsibilities. He was at her beck and call daily, EVEN THOUGH she remarried many years ago.) When I finished talking I asked him what he thought about what I said. THAT's when I found out what the problem is. He said he'd been feeling really guilty about enjoying his freedom from them ALL. He went further to say he doesn't want to see them during his summer break AT ALL and felt like he'd earned that break but he really feels guilty about it. I reassured him that he had no reason to feel bad, he's a great dad! His demeanor brightened up, we talked most of the night and when I woke up his arms were tightly around me...so were his legs!!! lol When the alarms went off the conversations continued. THIS is the man I married. Whew...I'm happy to see him back.
Now that is great to hear!
Now that is great to hear! And it makes perfect sense, too. Kids take alot out of us guys when it relates to the guilt of not being in their lives all the time. It is a struggle to find the correct balance between being a good father and husband. This is such a huge issue to get out into the open and is a major relief to him now that he has opened up to you about it.
The next step will be dealing with the guilt-ridden struggles of enforcing boundaries (I call this paralyzed parenting syndrome). Don't go there too fast because it will be an emotional struggle for him to stand firm with the kids and the BM. I faced it and handled it poorly at first but (with my wife's help) was able to overcome and be the firm and consistent father to both my bio and step children. But, it took approximately three years before I felt comfortable that they would not reject me for not giving into their every whimper or tantrum.
Your insight has been most
Your insight has been most helpful. Some would say I'm foolish for believing this but I KNOW him. I knew SOMETHING was wrong but I didn't know what so I was left to fill in the blanks and I feel horrible that I drew some of the conclusions that I did. This is the first relationship that I have been this open and honest about what rattles around in my head so I can't fault him for being slow to reveal what he thought were his shortcomings. It's been a better day for us both. Thank you for your input and for your insight.
Glad to see everything is
Glad to see everything is getting better. OPen honesty is always a good start. Glad he finally opened up. Its hard for anyone to talk about the things that make them feel like their failing. Hope things keep looking up for you both