Struggling
I have never written on one of these before, however, I am, and have been struggling with our blended family for about 2 years now. No end of arguments and disagreements over my husband's parenting with his son, my view is that we live in our house and why should everything change just because he has come to stay with us, we are on egg shells constantly because my husband and his ex-partner do not get on at all (bearing in mind it's been almost 9 years since they split up), it's a mix of his son going home and gossping and his Mum quizzing absolutely everything he has done whilst he has been with us. How much money hs been spent, who we have seen etc. I just feel I cannot be myself when he's around. I have a daughter of my own, toddler age, it just complicates things because the way we both parent her is completely different, she has routine, structure, discapline, he comes from a household where this is not the case, my husband doesn't dare say anything to him in fear of upsetting him as his son is extremly sensitive. However, that being the case, I think he plays a lot on to get attention, as my feelings are different than my husbands toward his son, obviously, I feel I am the only one that can see through this act. I feel like this makes me sound like a really really horrible person. But I have always done my best to be a good figure in his life, when he has needed things for school and his Mother cannot be bothered to sort anything for him, I have made the effort to buy him things for school because I couldnt bare my own child not having what she needs. As a step parent it's just a constant slap in the face all the time, you are forgotten and disregarded but if you take a step back and dont pander to their every need, you're the selfish one. I know my husband is in a rock and a hard place because he is caught in the middle and now I just choose to not really say anything because I dont want to argue about it anymore, it just means we dont get on and that's not what i want. Hence me writing on here, i thought it might help to hear other people's stories and what their situations are?
Welcome to the site!
Most USA people come onto the site in our late afternoon and evening as we Brits are in the minority here! If you do a bit of reading on the site you will find hundreds of us expressing the exact same things you have said. There is no reason why you and your DH shouldn't have standards and rules in your house regardless of what BM chooses to do in hers. SS will just have to adapt, and he will. Your DH is suffering from what a lot of ours do - ie wrap the little snowflakes and their tender fee fees in cotton wool in case they might not want to come round any more. Scuse my French but Eff that. Kids actually want structure and boundaries in their lives, and benefit from it. My own DH wishes he had laid down the law more in the early days - my SDs are now in their 20s. I would suggest that you and your DH devise your own list of acceptable behaviour and rules and apply it to your DD and SS also.
I will never understand
I will never understand parents that are "afraid" to parent.
Parenting isn't all fun and games. It isn't about making the world revolve around them. Parenting is hard. You have periods where your kids don't like you- and that is ok! You are turning them in to people that will one day be productive members of society. LIFE isn't all fun and games, they need work ethics, they need to learn to listen to superiors/bosses, show respect- those are all things they learn at home.
At then end of the day though, you can't care more than the bio parents do. Disengaging is a popular choice because it puts all the responsibility back on the actual parents. It is hard, impossible for someone like me (total control freak) to do totally, but even I do it on some levels for certain things.
I might put a suggestion out and let DH take it from there... "DH, I walked by SS's room earlier and there was a stench seeping out of the door" DH will go running to see what it is and unleash. I sit on the couch and sip my cocktail.
If DH didn't go running, I would let it go for a few days "DH, that smell is getting worse. I gagged, I am afraid to even look!" - that would definitely get him going.
Same would apply to school. "DH, I looked at SS's grade online today/ got an email from his teacher today- He is doing really bad. You might want to look at a tutor."- if he doesn't let it go. Bring it up next time you notice something. Stop doing to school work, buying the things for school, etc- Your mantra needs to be "Ask dad".
As for BM- Ignore the whore -- the best phrase I have ever learned on this site. So what if she asks him a million questions. You live your life and don't care what BM thinks. It is so freeing to just ignore her. If SS brings her up, ignore him and change the subject. If BM talks to/emails/texts your DH about anything that isn't directly related to educations, health or wellbeing of SS he needs to learn to ignore her as well.
What a breath of fresh air
What a breath of fresh air that was!! Thank you, you're right and I have definitely taken a step back in terms of how much I do, how much I get into discussions over the situation, I've let loads of stuff go that 6 months - a year ago, I would have hit the roof. I think he eats a stupid amount of sweets, ice creams etc and then doesn't eat his dinners, if he asks me then I say "ask your Dad" his bedroom for example, it's upside down at the minute, told my DH on Monday to tidy it, it's still a mess and he's coming today, I havent mentioned it again, I've left it. I just think "what the hell, it's not my problem" you are 100% right, why should I care more than the bio parents? The only person coming worse off for it is me. I just worry there's a jealously aspect there towards my own daughter from the SS, because she is with us all of the time, I think subconsciously he is jealous of that,
Thanks been checking for
Thanks been checking for replies but that makes sense if majority are in the US! We have discussed boundaries and rules so many times, they last a week and then die a death. I am determind to not allow this to ruin our marriage but some times are harder than others, other times I can be upbeat, attentive, wanting to make the effort and then other times I just feel deflated, angry, irritable etc. I 100% agree, kids DO need structure, guidance, discipline etc they strive for that, my husband has no issues in that with our own daughter, but with the SS it's a classic case of fearing he wont want to come, BM would reval in that & because all the adults in his life seem to be focused on giving him absolutely everything he wants because he's spoiled - they dont see that they are actually making the situation and him far worse!
The kid's 11, he doesn't get
The kid's 11, he doesn't get to decide if he's going to come or not. I presume there is a court order?
Sorry my mistake, he's 10, I
Sorry my mistake, he's 10, I made a typo there. Yes my DH had to go to court as she was messing around with access. But if he says to his BM he doesn't want to come, she backs him. He usually says this when he's been naughty at home, she can't handle him and she palms him off to us to tell him off! He then doesn't want to come because he's scared he will get told off, so we have stopped offering to help in those situations now and left that if he is naughty at BM's house, that's her job to sort and like wise if he is naughty at ours. I honestly do think the BM is mentally abusing him but that's just my opinion.
Very few divorced parents in
Very few divorced parents in the UK have court orders. It only happens if they can't agree on a parenting plan. Usually this is agreed on during the divorce, through the partners' respective solicitors.
There is CO in place as she
There is CO in place as she messed around with access, but it isnt easy going back to court if either side were to become incontempt of the order, we have looked into it several times when she has thrown her weight around but it's literally a hard process to get through before even going back to Court!
This is true in the US, too -
This is true in the US, too - only 10% of divorces actually end up in front of a judge, vs. the two attorneys (or sometimes just one!) working it out together with the parents during the divorce and having a judge sign off on it.
We are the unlucky 10% on here!
Yeah, he doesn't get a choice
Yeah, he doesn't get a choice in coming. Please tell me there is a CO. If there is and BM won't send him, file for contempt- every. single. time.
Don't let her spew things like "Your son is going to resent you for this" "don't you care about what he wants" etc.
What is important is a father child bond. She has no right to undermine that relationship and that is what she is doing by even allowing a discussion of whether or not he is coming.
100% - she has done nothing
100% - she has done nothing but tried to distroy their relationship, she hates me with a passion and does not encourage mine and SS's relationship, unless she needs a babysitter then I'm good enough. He rarely says he doesn't want to come, like I say, it's usually when he's been told off at home and she cant cope with him and she expects BD to discipline him for something he has done at her home. it's a joke really. She always tries to make out that he doesnt want to come, that he doesnt enjoy himself when he's with us (absolute rubbish) & just in general slates us all over social media,
I nor my DW have ever cared
I nor my DW have ever cared what the Spermidiot and blended family opposition think, feel, etc... All we have cared about is how they choose to behave. On the rare occasion that they were reasonable, we dealt with them reasonably. Since they rarely chose to behave reasonably, we confronted their unreasonableness with zero tolerance. The consequences were their choice based upon the toxic, manipulative neglectful crappy behaviors they targeted at our son and our family.
Their choice. We applied the suffering in response to their choices they perpetrated against our son and our family.
BM is not anyone who should have any say in your family or marriage including any toxic crap that she seeds your Skid with to bring into your home and family. He needs clarity about BM's manipulative lying behavior and they both need clarity that it will not be tolerated to enter your lives without consequences being applied.
You and DH need to filter BM's toxic crap out of your relationship with SS and not allow it to go unconfronted. Yes, this will be difficult for SS, but.... parents owe a duty to their kids to provide them with a childhood that does not require the the kid to recover from. It is Dads and your duty and opportunity to counter the crap BM is perpetrating against her own child and your family.
Abide no bullshit. Period.
For sure your DH needs to be front and center both in parenting his children, particularly the Skid, and countering the toxic manipulations of his poor choice in a prior breeding partner.
BM is toxic, dad made a bad choice. Now dad needs to do whatever is legally necessary to protect his children and family from the manipulative mommy. As the adult partner in your home and marriage and as the mother to your own children, who blessedly do not share any connection with the toxic XWBM, protect your family and child with an even higher zero tolerance perspective towards BM and any of the influence she attempts to infect your family and life with through the manipulation of your SS.
Just my thoughts of course.
Good luck.
So well said! Thank you I
So well said! Thank you I appreciate the honesty, it's definitely helped joining this forum.