So uncomfortable around stepsons......
Hi everyone, I found this site yesterday and I'm so happy I did. I was starting to think everything was my fault and I just wasn't handling being a stepmom very well, I truly dislike my SS's. I have been living with my bf for 1 1/2, he has 2 sons, 12 and 15, I have a daughter who is 5.
His kids have been rude and disrespectful to my daughter and I right from the start. SS12 is definitely the worst, he has made so many stupid comments towards me, making me feel like I'm just an intruder here, he tells my daughter to shut up all the time, when I say hi and make an effort to be friendly he just ignores me. I have made an effort with them, I drive SS12 to soccer if dad's not available, I pick SS15 up from school so he doesn't have to wait at the library for his dad to finish work (he hates waiting there), I make them meals, get them nice birthday gifts etc... Actually this last christmas when I said "merry christmas" to SS12, he told me to shut up, and if I pick him up from soccer he tells me to drive fast out of the parking lot so nobody sees me. They are SLIGHTLY less rude now, mostly they just ignore me. It has gotten to the point where I am just so damn uncomfortable around them, I can't look them in the eye, I barley bother saying hi anymore, I hide in my room, alot........ I don't eat when I should because then I would have to go to the kitchen area and see them (they spend most of their time playing video games)
I love my bf very much, he is wonderful to me but I find living in this tense unfriendly atmosphere very difficult. We both thought it would get better with time but it really hasn't. Btw, SS's are with us 24/7, their mom passed away 4 years ago, and no I do not feel bad for them, it's hard to have empathy for people who treat you like dirt. My daughter is with me here most of the time, she stays with her dad 1-2 nights a week. I love my daughter so much, she is super friendly, very polite for a 5yo and she loooooves to talk 
Really, she has better manners than both my SS's.
Thank you for letting me vent, any advice would certainly be appreciated!
Sounds like this guy was
Sounds like this guy was looking for a replacement mommy instead of a life partner.
^^Yup
^^Yup
As an adult you get decide if
As an adult you get decide if you want to live with people who disrespect you. Your poor daughter has no say in the matter. She's forced to live in a home with kids who treat her like crap. Why? So that mom can live with her boyfriend???
Moving out may be the best thing for your daughter's sake. Continue to date the guy, but live separately so that you xan protect your kid from his.
He is quite involved with his
He is quite involved with his kids actually, and he is usually the one driving and picking up from soccer etc, I just did it when he was to busy with work or something, but i won't do it anymore, I would rather chew on broken glass than be in the same car with SS12.
DH doesn't really do much to correct the behavior, he just tells them "it's not nice to say that", but some of the stuff they have done/said I really think they should have gotten punished for, like when SS15 took my cell phone and "joked" that he had changed my FB status to slut.....wow funny joke, ummmm pretty sure it's not ok to basically call your stepmom a slut. I have never seen them punished for anything the whole time I have lived here and I have talked to BF about it, I think the kids need to learn that actions have consequences. We talked (ok argued) about this last night, he said that I should punish them when they do this stuff, ummmm not my job, not my dumb kids. I am 28 so having teenage stepsons is a little weird, I am also shorter than both of them and look like a teenager myself so I don't think they have ever really seen me as an adult. I really need to learn to speak up for myself and maybe disciplining them since their dad is to afraid to. If my kid called an adult a slut, they would get their computer/tv privileges taken away for at least a week.
It may be to late for you to
It may be to late for you to change the way they treat you. The Facebook thing means that kid has balls the size of Texas. You showed weakness by not flipping our on him then.
They already know their dad won't do anything about their behavior.
Both of you have shown them that they are fee to do as they please.
"he said that I should punish
"he said that I should punish them when they do this stuff"
I'm doubtful. I have yet to see a Disney Dad (one who never punishes his own kids) back the SM when SHE doles out a consequence. I find it much more likely that if you DID punish them (say, early bed time or loss of TV/game privileges, that your DH would override you and not enforce it.
Normally I say disengage. Certainly for SMs who have their skids twice a month I think it's generally a good idea. But you are, for all intents and purposes, custodial. And your SO has told you that he's giving you permission. So I say do it. Next time one of them makes a rude comment to you or your daughter (WTF?!?! by the way), hand down a consequence that makes it hurt. No xbox for a week. Whatever their currency is, find it and use it HARD.
One of two things will happen. I hope, for your sake, that your SO will back you up. If he does, things might actually get better. It's unfortunate that he's making you do his job, but if you want to stay with him it looks like you're going to have to.
But I think it's more likely that your SO will tell them they can have the xbox (or whatever) back. He won't back you up. So the question becomes "Where do you go from here?"
You can't control your SO, you can only control you. For myself, I would never let my kids live in a situation like you describe. If SO wouldn't deal with it, and wouldn't let ME deal with it, I'd be gone. What's your breaking point? Where is your line in the sand? You've got to figure that out, and you have to MEAN IT.
"I'm doubtful. I have yet to
"I'm doubtful. I have yet to see a Disney Dad (one who never punishes his own kids) back the SM when SHE doles out a consequence. I find it much more likely that if you DID punish them (say, early bed time or loss of TV/game privileges, that your DH would override you and not enforce it."
THIS!!!!
AND also UNDERMINE you in front of them. Possibly getting downright dirty by making YOU look like the "bad guy" (aka eeeeviiil SM) and even get angry at YOU for DARING to discipline his children (too HARSH doncha know)
RUN NOW GIRL WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!! You have to think of your DAUGHTER first!!
Oh hell no you don't hide or
Oh hell no you don't hide or tolerate this crap. You confront them and bring the pain immediately. Belt meet snarky 12yo boy bare ass. SO needs to shred some ass or you do it. Give DH clarity that he either steps up and deals with his POS toxic spawn to end this disrespectful bullshit from them or he can STFU and have your back while you do it.
Those little fuck trophies would be two miserable young men if they pulled that shit in my home/relationship regardless of if they are my biospawn or not. Grrrrrr!d
Why in the hell would you tolerate the presence of a "man" :sick: that does not have the character or balls to respect you enough to end this shit before it starts or the intelligence to be a decent enough parent to kick the shit out of his POS spawn until they no longer polute society with their snarky bullshit?
Move on to a partner of character and put this POS and his fuck turds in your rear view mirror. For damned sure you do not need to force these POS idiots (all three of them) on your beautiful young daughter. That your SO does not beat his spawn stupid for the crap they spout to you and to your little girl tells me he is not worth the piss it would take to put him out if he was on fire.
Sorry but this guy pisses me off.
Thank you for all the
Thank you for all the feedback everyone! First I would like to make it known that my daughter is ok! She is not even around them much, we are usually out at the park, movies etc. and I go to great lengths to avoid "family dinners" with them these days. I have never heard the phrase disney dad until today lol, he definitely sucks at the discipline thing but he is a great bf and treats me very well besides that.
I have to start speaking up and I will start handing out consequences as well, it is my only option because I can't live with this stress much longer, I actually found a bald patch on my head a couple days ago, probably due to stress :jawdrop:
Where do you get biotin? I do
Where do you get biotin?
I do agree that it should come from him but he doesn't do it. At the very least I will start enforcing consequences when they are rude to my daughter, she is only 5 and I expect much more out of a 12 or 15yo than I do from a 5yo.
From experience....and what
From experience....and what every therapist and blending family book will tell you....don't allow them to be rude to you. Especially don't chalk it up to teen behavior. Your BF needs to back you on this or you should seriously question the relationship. Plus, you don't want to show your daughter that this is how girls and women should be treated! It will affect her.
Thank you, I agree. And being
Thank you, I agree. And being a teenager does not give them a right to be rude little sh*ts. When I was a teenager, i would never have spoken to an adult the way they speak to me sometimes because there would have been some serious consequences }:)
Agree with Ally and Rags.
Agree with Ally and Rags. Since you are not ready to end the relationship, give it a try to set discipline. If bf does not back you up, and there is a good chance he won't, you need to cut bait. You will probably be ready when you see the triumphant sneer on the little hellions face while dad is chastising you for being so harsh.
These kids aren't "rude." They are despicable. Calling you a slut? Are. You. Kidding. Me?
In the meantime don't do anything for them. The rides are over.
At 28 it really is a bright outlook for you starting over. But at 12 and 15 it is going to be a thousand times harder for dad to change his ways. Dad has done a bad job with these boys and he's comfortable continuing to do so. What would he do if some guy in a bar called you that? Yeah, I thought so. But when magical DNA bearers do it, somehow it's your fault.
And him thinking it would just "get better with time" is ludicrous. The kids learn over time just how much they can roll over both of you, that's what happens over time. See, the kids ARE learning lessons the whole time--Dad has to make an effort to make sure it's the right lesson. He hasn't. Likely he won't, either.
Really, my nieces are your age, it makes me sick to think of them chaining themselves to a situation like this. Please don't do it. Over the years you won't recognize yourself anymore as you carry the burden of this hostility in your shoulders, your face, your skin, your eyes, your figure. You're already losing hair over it. When you are 38 or 45 or 51 you will finally have enough and be sick that you spent your life like this. Save yourself NOW!