I'm 24 and my fiance is 28. We've been together for 2 years and he has a 7 year old son with his ex-wife. We've been living together for a little over a year and we do everything as a family; from homework to vacations, karate class, and school events. My stepson's teachers have never even met his mother, nor have his karate instuctors or school counselors. This would all be fine if she were in the least bit cooperative or supportive of anything relating to their son.

It started when my fiance and I first started dating. She demanded to meet me the first week, even though my fiance and I decided that I wouldn't be introduced to his son until later in our relationship. I agreed to meet with her though and, despite him asking her to not bring their son, she did and forced him to meet me and call me "stepmom" right there on the spot. A huge argument ensued between my then-boyfriend and her over the phone afterwards but she hung up and wouldn't return his calls for the next two days. Since then, my stepson and I have worked on our relationship on our own terms and now we're inseperable. I work at a library so every day, he calls before school to ask what books I'm bringing home for him. His mother however, has fought tooth and nail to make him hate both me and his father.

She was openly caught lying to the judge during the child support hearing, has filed a domestic abuse report with police only to admit in court that she lied after two months of my fiance being ordered to stay away from their son, has told their son that his father and I are going to "burn in hell" and that one day we're going to have children and give him up for adoption. She's constantly calling me a "bitch" and refers to me as "your whore" to my fiance, all in front of my stepson. She threatens to kill herself or kidnap their son, she forces my fiance to pay for everything their son needs on top of the child support he pays or she will keep him from us for days at a time. She insults our stepson, calling him a "whiny baby" and refuses to hug him or even say hello when we take him home at nights. It's gotten to the point where he cries hysterically every night when it's time to leave but it feels like there's nothing we can do.

We filed for full custody months ago and we're waiting for our mediation date but the courts, nor our lawyer, can actually give us a date or a timeframe. They all just tell us to "sit tight" and wait. A month ago, our stepson grabbed a knife off of my plate at dinner and when I took it from him and told him they were dangerous, he held out his exposed wrist to me and said, "Well then cut me, I want to die." This upset my fiance and I so much that we went and saw the school counselor again the next day who said he would talk with him. Things like this happen frequently and as time goes on, it only gets worse. The ex is so hostile that even normal exchanges become verbally abusive in the matter of a split second and we never know when she's going to blow. We've been reading books and researching a lot about coparenting and came across something called Hostile Aggressive Parenting which lists warning signs for both parents and kids. The ex matched 40 out of 50 listed behaviors and my stepson matched 7 out of 10 visible effects. When we mentioned this to her and even printed out a packet on it, thinking maybe she would finally get the hint when she saw just how damaging it was to their son, she laughed and threw it over the railing of her apartment building into the pond below.

We feel like our lawyer doesn't listen and the school counselor is helping but can only do so much. We really think mediation will help but we can't get a straight answer from anyone as to the date or how long it usually takes. As far as children's rights groups, none will intercede without an official request from our lawyer or the courts, both of whom are just telling us to wait it out and stop worrying.

We try taking it one day at a time but everyday gets harder when we have to see just how unhappy my stepson is. I've read so many sites about stepparenting and blended families, to try and get ideas and suggestions but the biggest wall I've yet to climb is the realization that everyone wants us to love these children as our own, to nurture and protect them while simultaneously criticizing us for trying to take the place of their mother and reminding us of our small, insignificant place and how we're nothing to them.

I love my family. When I say that, my stepson is naturally included because that is what he is. He is my family. According to his mother and every other angry ex-wife who feels infringed upon, I may be nothing, but to me, he is just as much my family as my own blood and I have loved him no less because he isn't. I realize that divorce must be hard and seeing your child build a relationship with someone else may hurt but as someone with no biological children of her own, I can sit here and say I could never be that way. It kills me when my stepson cries or says he wants to die or when I find him hitting his stomach in the bathroom after dinner because "mommy showed me how to be skinny". I may not have children by blood but I love my stepson even without that inherent biological connection and it's nearly impossible to respect someone who can hurt their child so much despite it.

I didn't really have any specific questions but related experiences or suggestions are always welcomed.