Should I Ignore BM's Behavior ?
Help!! I am not sure what to do. BM and I had a major argument about her lying and just being down right rude and disrespectful towards me. I actually got some advice from here and the concensus was for me to cut communication with her as much as possible. I have done that and it's been peaceful. DH is now out of town and BM has called for me to take SD to dance recital on Saturday (She left a VM). First, BM has not apologized. Second, I would need to take off work to take SD to dance recital. Under ordinary circumstances, I would be happy to take off for a chance to spend some quality with SD. However, I feel like I am doing BM mom a favor and she has yet to apologize. I feel like if I ignore her last episode, it just sets the stage for more to come. However, I don't want SD to miss dance recital b/c of BM's actions. What should I do? Thanks!
BM can't take her b/c her car
BM can't take her b/c her car broke down. Her car has been in the shop for almost a month. She gets everywhere else she wants to go. I haven't returned her call or mentioned it to DH - yet. I know he is going to want me to suck it up and take SD to recital. One, he wants SD and I to have a close relationship. Two, he knows that I love to pictures and will take plenty at the recital for him to see. But, still - I feel like she owes me an apology.
This sort of relationship is
This sort of relationship is all about control and make no mistake you are being controlled.
Learn the most important words in your life "No"
Your SD will make it to her recital.
If she doesn't be prepared to be blamed by BM. After all it's your fault she didn't get to go to her recital, you know. And BM will make this very clear to SD but kids are smart they will figure out that BM is the reason she didn't attend because you won't even be there.
Don't apologize to SD for not being able to take her. OR else you will reinforce that it was your fault she didn't get to go.
Just play it cool.
If SD asks why you didn't take her (very unlikely)say something like
"I thought your mom was supposed to take you" if she replies "No Mom says you were going to take me"
Say "Oh well I was at work. We'll have to make better plans next time."
and that's all.
Just delete the message and
Just delete the message and pretend you didn't get it. She's just putting out bait to engage you again. She doesn't want to see her own daughter's recital?
IMO - I'd write BM an email,
IMO - I'd write BM an email, and cc DH on it.
In the email, I'd acknowledge her voice mail message about needing YOUR help with SD and the recital, and mention how surprised I was in receiving it, given the tension between the two of you.
I'd go on to say how HAPPY I would be to help HER and SD out for the recital, and how you can't WAIT to see SD dance, and perhaps lunch or dinner afterward!
I'd finish up with something about how, given the issues between the two of you, you realize how HARD it must have been for her to ask YOU for help, you'll do it, just this time.
She'll probably shit herself and not reply, lol.....
Great idea! I am going to
Great idea! I am going to save this one for next time. I have no doubt there will be a next time.
You are so right. Right now,
You are so right. Right now, I feel like I have done soo much for SD AND BM to only be treated like crap and disrespected. I have gone above and beyond to make this situation amicable for everyone. I helped BM get back into school so that she could complete her degree. It's only been about two weeks since the last argument and she is already asking me to do the exact things that I told her I would not do without an apology - as if nothing has happened. I guess my wounds are still open. Both of my parents are remarried and have been since before my 11yr old bio-son was born. I would never be rude and disrespectful to either one of my step parents and then expect them to do something for my son.
I think I need just a bit
I think I need just a bit more time and distance. I tear up just thinking about this. I just dont understand her thinking and I guess I never will. You are right, I will probably never get an apology. I am sure that I will do stuff for her for the sake of SD in the future. I just cant right now.
Yeah, listen to your gut. If
Yeah, listen to your gut. If you don't feel right about doing it, don't, it's telling you that the situation isn't healthy. Emotional blackmail: fear, obligation and guilt. When you feel those, your buttons are being pushed. And I just don't buy it, that you are needed to take SD to the recital. What mother would miss that unless she wants you to take her too? BS!!!
Thanks all! I am going to
Thanks all! I am going to ignore her request and go to work as planned. She wasn't even polite on the VM!
I am sure she (BM) can find
I am sure she (BM) can find ways to do what else is necessary. She will get her daughter to the recital.
I do like the email response that was typed earlier........
We deal with the same situation. BM denies visitation when she feels like it. But bosses husband around with it when she feels like it as well. NO apologies and no thank you's either.
Sometimes BM's have to be
Sometimes BM's have to be treated like a child and by that I mean with consequences and consistency.
This is a tough one and I
This is a tough one and I think can be taken two ways.. you know BM better than any of us so you decide!
She may be extending the olive branch by asking you to take SD... It takes a big person to apologize, and I think alot of people end up apologizing by their actions. So this woman must think/know that you hate her after your disagreement and then your end to communication after that, but she is calling YOU to ask a favor? May be her way of saying OK, I was wrong (without actually having to say it)
OR
She's just using you. She has no family or friends that could take SD so that BM could go too? Seems kind of odd, but again you would know her better than I.