SD of five years regretting many decisions...
Hi all,
I've seen this website several times before in the midst of trying to work out some issues that I've been having with my girlfriend and her two children. Right now I'm at a point where I don't know what to do, because it feels like any step I take will be in the wrong direction.
So for starters:
I met my girlfriend in 2005 and we hit it off since day one. I knew that she had children, but their biological father was a deadbeat (who, by the way, hasn't seen them since). Things were so well between us that we decided to live together (I moved in to her home) after a short period in which I would visit her and spend time with her family.
Now for the good:
I get along very well with everyone (well, almost everyone)--her sisters, brother, mother, and extended family all think that I'm great. They've commended me countless times for taking on this "great responsibility" of being a father in a role that isn't even legally relegated to me as such (I suppose since I'm not legally married to her and I haven't officially adopted the kids). The children call me "dad". This is by their own choice, as I never pressured them into choosing me as their father.
As a provider, I provide well for my family. I pay for bills, family fun days, and
Continuing from my first
Continuing from my first post...
...and I have supported my girlfriend throughout most of her college matriculation (financially and academically). On our own my girlfriend and I have great times. At the start of the relationship, we were such a hot item together that our families consider us as a power couple of sorts. Over the years, however, things have changed.
Now on to the bad:
In spite of our love for one another, my girlfriend and I have many compatibility issues. When it comes to practically anything we disagree. Now when I came into the picture, I made the mistake of not voicing my opinion on many things because I was just trying to be an accepting stepdad.
I realized quickly that the way my GF treated her kids was vastly different from how I would treat my own (which I don't have BTW). Things like teaching the girls to clean up after themselves isn't a priority I her, and for the majority of this relationship I've had to live with three really messy females. They GF also had this nasty habit of cursing at the girls when they didn't behave--something that I am ashamed to admit that I have even done after years of frustration over them not listening to or respecting me. I take full responsibility for having these moments of weakness, but I am also saddened by the fact that my GF kind of established this as a precedent so early on in our relationship.
Speaking of precedents, I never really voiced my opinion on many things until recently because I didn't want to impose as a stepfather as I said above. I always wanted to cut back on expenses for cable tv for the sake of the kids and to save some money and she wouldn't have it. I wanted to limit the amount of toys the kids get to avoid spoiling them and she wouldn't have that either. These are just some examples...
And the sad thing is that my GF doesn't necessarily disagree with me. She knows that the kids are hard to deal with and she has enforced rules in the house. But it doesn't change the fact that the three of them together are just on a different wavelength... It's like I feel like theyre not my real family.
And when I think this I feel terrible. The kids treat me like crap but they say they love me. The youngest one in particular is very clingy to me, although this clinging as is on her terms because she usually ignores me unless she wants something.
What all this amounts to is this: I feel like I am doing a tremendous amount of work that isn't being appreciated or reciprocated. I feel so neglected because of this thy now I've begun to withdraw further and further away from my GF and my Step kids. I know I haven't been a great father figure, but in this environment, without the support I need, how can I be?
Hi atu1982. I can relate to
Hi atu1982. I can relate to you and you will see that a lot of others on this site will relate as well. I have been with my fiancé for over 2 years (planning a wedding for April) and he has a 4 year old daughter from a previous relationship (not a marriage). We have SD every other week for the full week. SD loves me but she is just such a spoiled brat. My fiancé (and his entire family) spoils her, I guess because he feels guilty that he doesn’t see her every day. I’m not sure what goes on when she is at her mother’s but I do know that everyone feels sorry for the kid because her mother is such a POS. As you know, feeling sorry = spoiling. From what I have read on this site, everything you have described is totally normal in stepfamilies. The kids are always spoiled because the bioparents feel guilty. The stepparent is never appreciated and is frequently neglected by their partner. My fiancé will not take SD to the store without buying her a toy. It’s ridiculous. When I am sitting next to him, she will squeeze in between. She will yell “MY daddy” when he hugs or kisses me. I’m not sure if it’s jealousy or what but it’s crazy. It’s like whenever she is not the center of attention, she freaks out. Unfortunately, I have not found a solution yet, but I have found a lot of support on this site! Best of luck to you!
Thanks so much for the words
Thanks so much for the words of encouragement. One thing I've learned from this site is that a lot of the same issues come up over and over again, which is frustrating but at the same time comforting because I'm not alone.
And like you mentioned above, the kids are definitely on their mother's side all the time, even though she has disengaged as well. It's come to a point where both of us are terrible parents...
With that said, has anyone here made the decision to leave from a situation like mine, where you're not legally connected to your girlfriend and her kids but still feel pressed to take care of them? How has it been for you in that case? I just feel like this is the only out for me because the kids and their mom have been a certain way before I was in the picture and continue to be that way while I'm in it.
It sounds like your GF is
It sounds like your GF is quite content with the status quo, so it's no wonder she's resistant to any suggestions you might have. She is supported by you financially, emotionally, and as a co-parent, but you have little to no say on discipline for the girls or how the house is run. It's a pretty sweet deal on her end, if you think about it.
Don't think think for a minute that because you don't have "your own" kids you shouldn't have equal input on the parenting decisions. This might be a surprise for her, but you DO have your own kids - those girls! You've helped raise them for years - if that doesn't make you a parent, what does?
I say before making any decisions about the relationship, try couples counseling. You need a neutral 3rd party to sit down with the two of you and help you sort through these issues. Check with your and her health insurance, and also check if there is an employee assistance program where either of you works that would cover a few sessions. It'd be a reality check for her and a godsend for you.
Mella has great advice with
Mella has great advice with the couples counseling! I forgot to mention that my fiance and I went and it actually made a difference. He seemed more willing to listen to my feelings and the counselor also told him it is important for us to have couple time (even when it's the "kid's week", which was a shocker for him!). We only went to 2 sessions because after that there wasn't really much else to discuss, but I definitely recommend it!