I haven't finished medical school but I am on my way and I'm determined to finish. No matter what goes on in my love life I KNOW that my education is whats going to get me through life it is key to being able to have the family I want and the life i want. I also want to give back to my parents. Becoming a doctor will make them so proud and I will in turn take care of them as they have wonderfully done for me all these years. Plus I can help put my siblings to med school as well. Nothing he does or doesnt do or whatever I've gone through will ever stop me from achieving my dreams. I think thats why I'm ready to let go because I've held us together for so long that I can't do it alone anymore.

He thinks by just being here is enough. That i should be grateful enough that he is with me. My desire to talk things through, to have a better understanding, to be more considerate is seen as nagging and annoying. He expects me to embrace the situation so happily and so openly but doesnt see the great strides that I've made so far. And who knows, with enough support from him, maybe one day I could HAVE a more meaningful relationship with them. But it's not easy when he always sees me as the enemy. He hears my words and feelings but doesnt really comphrehend them. He picks and choses what to listen to and then it still gets twisted around.

Yes I have two bm. The girls bm is not as difficult. Although she relies heavily on his sister in law to babysit her. I wanted to be there for him and show that I could grow and mature so we attended one of her ballet recitals. The boy was out of town. during intermission she ran straight to her dad. Didnt even care about all the other loved ones who had come to visit but when she saw that i was sitting next to him, her bright smile turned into sadness. And every other experience is the same. she hates that I'm around. But the mother rarely calls for more money nor ask much of him. Actually the only reason she gets child support now is because the court ordered it when he started paying for the boy. She actually didn't want anything. she was much older than him so i guess she just wanted the baby. I dont really have issues with her except I dont know why she doesnt have her family help her more when they all live in the same city.

actually his family is very supportive of me. his father knows my uneasiness with the situation and instead of condemning me- he is very considerate even though these are his own grandchildren. He loves me just the same. Once he forewarned him not to come by with me the next day bc the girl would be there and he didnt want me to be uncomfortable. His whole family is very considerate of my feelings. They never push anything on me.

Now you've read about the boys mother. Plus she has a new husband and new baby. She angers me so much. No matter how bad the ex may be. One should not bad mouth the other parent or be negative because that parent is still part of the child so when the child hears such negativity it hurts them bc thats their parent. So for her to even teach him to call him by his first name is just so disgusting to me. I'm no angel or perfect but I'm also not a mother. I'm new to this whole parenthood thing and I'm young and inexperienced but she is so vindictive. Anytime anything is going wrong with her life then she stirs up ours- asking for more money, hassling him about the kind of father he is, and demanding so many crazy things.

Deep down I feel for the boy. A few Christmas' ago he was unable to pick up the boy on a prearranged date. So the bm and sd were "stuck" with him. The thing that made me sad was that the boy's sd was like "I HAVE to take care of him too." with such a disgusted and upset attitude. They live together- the bm and sd and my ss and his half little brother. So really why was he so upset. That proves my point completely that this situation is not easy not even for people that do get married and do raise their stepkids. I believe that the son does feel some lost feelings because he now has this stepdad who he is forced to call dad and a new little brother to compete with and you know how that goes in families most times and even worse in a blended family. There's so much I want to help my bf with.

Like i said i once tried to advise him on how to be a better parent because really right now he still is an absentee father. He calls once in a while- holidays, bdays. Visits when he can. He's in a different state and financially unable to visit as often as he'd like. But there are other ways. and though these children are young they're not stupid. You can talk to them and make them understand the situation or even make them more comfortable.

If I were the bm and had a partner such as me- first I'd really strengthen my relationship with my kids. I'd call them every night to wish them goodnight. And set up webcam dates with them every week so that they could see me. Granted these kids are 7 and 9 but still with adult supervision and help it's possible and when it comes down to me and my kids. Nothing is too difficult to overcome. And my bf does have internet access and a laptop and so does his children but of course he does the minimum. I really believe that he does love them because that natural to love ones own kids but really everything else is obligation- not to look bad in front God, not to look bad in front of his family or peers or in society. But he's said often that if he could do it all over again he wouldnt have kids at such a young age nor until he was more ready and more mature. He's even said he wishes that he was baggage free so that we would have an easier life. And these werent said to appease me nor pressure from me.

Even though I'm uneasy about them. I still worry for them because they didnt ask to be brought in this world. I worry about the girl and issues she will have in her future love relationships with men. So many women end up in bad relationships because they werent secure in their father/daughter relationship. Not to mention how she adjusts to the world. You can tell a lot by just observing and I dont see her as well rounded.

It's funny though. When we fight, he always yells to me "FINE! I'm going to call them everyday! I'm going to be in their lives all the time" Thinking that will hurt me. And I'm here thinking. You already have the freedom to do so. That doesnt hurt me anymore. But what hurts is the fact that he can't be happy with what he has.

I used to think it was the worst thing that he had kids. But i have it better than most. He doesnt have custody of them so I dont ever see them. his family loves me and we get along wonderfully. and he gets along great with mine. Its just his inability to be grateful for what he has.

Before i used to be like. Why cant he be a dead beat dad completely? LOL but then I grew up and realized he has a good heart for wanting to still be active in their lives. How would I feel if ever we had kids and he wasnt part of their lives? Actually I would prefer that. For me, I am strong enough and smart enough to raise my children with as much love, support, and understanding that though they didnt have their father, they wouldnt feel incomplete. But of course it's always nice to have both biological parents.

Wow! Again, I've written so much. I'm just a very expressive person. Communication is the key to a successful relationship and so is having an open mind and open heart. I feel like I'm rowing up a river without a paddle. Fighting so hard against a current that never stops. '

He always comes back because even though I have the feelings i do about his kids. He knows the good heart I have and the caring and devoted partner I am. I've stayed by his side through financial difficulties. though he is very unsupportive and immature-lets not even start how many times he acts like he's single when we're fighting. and his temper. No woman has stayed with him more than a year because of how angry he becomes. But through it all I remain.

I dont know how things will end. I give it to God. And I'm throwing myself into my schoolwork, working out, and strengthening the relationships I have with the rest of my loved ones.

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and to respond. It means so much. I have been alone with this for so many years and questioning if i was a bad person.

Have a blessed day.