Plans for giving birth to first baby
I'm due to give birth to my first baby in March next year. My 11 y o stepdaughter is with us every other weekend and also in the holidays. She is with us the week before Easter. There is a good chance she will either A. Be here when I go into labour B. When she is here at Easter, I will be overdue and she will be around while I'm going into hospital to be induced.
Either way she will be here throughout the very vulnerable first few days of her baby sibling's life.
I do want her to have a good bond with her sibling but I am very nervous about her being here during the early stages because it will be a vulnerable time, I don't know what my physical state will be and I was hoping to have time to bond with my baby and adjust to being a new mother.
My husband has basically said it's non negotiable and his ex wife is very inflexible with this sort of thing and not wanting to arrange weekend/week swaps. Everything is always arranged to suit her schedule and work needs.
I don't feel confident or comfortable to raise this with husband again, I find it difficult to raise things where my stepdaughter is concerned. I have tried to explain but he seems to always have an answer for everything. Perhaps I am being unreasonable? It's just that a few people I have spoken to have said that they arranged for their r kids to be with a relative for a while. It's not that I don't want her around at all, I love having her here and my relationship with her is important to me, it's just that it's going to be such a new thing for me and all my husband says is "We'll look after you. We're all learning together." But I just want some time to find my feet first!! Am i in the wrong here? I just don't think he will ever see my side of things.
You are not being unreasonable.
You are not being unreasonable. It is normal in "intact" families for existing children to go stay with a relative or friends for a few days around the birth of the baby. You need to talk to your DH again and insist that he hear you out and figure out how to make you comfortable. What is his plan for SD while you are actually at the hospital? Does he really expect her to sit in the waiting room alone? Does he have relatives on his side that could help? What about your relatives?
Yep. Relatives. I hope this
Yep. Relatives. I hope this delusional guy doesn't expect his daughter in the delivery room, or up in your space during the first few days post delivery. My older child stayed with grandparents the first few days during and after my younger's birth. Might have been as long as a week, and they were both my bio kids. Damn i feel sorry for you ladies who have to entertain a young stepchild during and after childbirth. The feeling of being "on", or watched while you try to navigate new motherhood and step-life all at once.
Also the whole "we" will look after you as in he and SD. Creepy vibes.
I agree that it's creepy.
I agree that it's creepy. What exactly does he imagine an 11yo is going to be able to help with? Can she cook? Do laundry? Keep the house clean? Would daddy even allow that? No? Then WTF use is she going to be?
I can see him in his mind
I can see him in his mind seeing his daughter happy to run glasses of juice to SM.. but the needs could be much larger (and grosser) than that.
I spent 3weeks with my
I spent 3weeks with my grandparents when my brother was born. Doesn't she have grandparents?
No need to negotiate with BM, just refuse to have SD over for a couple of weeks. Tell your DH that's how it's going to be or you won't be coming home, you'll go to your parents' instead.
So dont swap.
No means no. No to SD being there for delivery or for the first X weeks. BM has no choice but to care for her own DD if you and your DH decline that visitation to keep the new baby delivery for you.
This is not an intact breeding mommy and daddy relationship where SD's parents are the ones having the new baby together. This is YOUR baby with YOUR DH and it is time for YOU and YOUR DH to have new parent time with YOUR new baby.
Skids and their new half sibs can be introduced at a time when both new parent partners agree.
My SS was not there when his three also out of wedlock Spermidiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas were born. We would not have sent him for that other than if it occurred during his COd scheduled visitation. If the SpermClan had declined visitation for a new child's birth at that time, great. We would have gladly kept SS with us.
Time to give DH clarity that his failed family baggage will not interfere in your new addition to your home. and YOUR marriage. SD not a party to your marriage. She is a beneficiary of it. Keep her in her place, keep BM in her place, and make sure that DH keeps them both in their place. Cancel the visit that coincides with delivery whether natural or induced. If BM won't discuss, she can just keep the kid until YOU choose to accept the kid on a scheduled future COd visitation. Once you get some baby time.
IMHO of course.
I can understand your
I can understand your concerns.. and many families handle these things diffrently.. some kids go to stay with a relative for a few days.. some families have a sister, aunt or mom come and stay with the couple to help out (including with the other kids) and sometimes the father steps up and makes sure the other kids are taken care of.
The thing that your DH needs to consider is that in his mind, you go have an easy delivery but the reality is that things can and do go not according to plan. labor lasting days.. complications with birth meaning longer time in the hospital for you.. or the baby is born with problems needing to stay in the hospital.. birth could come earlier than planned.. or later.. but in the end, the environment could be very difficult for your older SD (not to mention you.. just putting it out there that his plans aren't considering her much)
I would also think that his daughter's maturity and independence would need to be taken into consideration... is she an independent child? At 12 (or almost 12).. would she be capable of caring for her own needs.. getting herself fed.. cleaning up after herself.. entertaining herself? Is she a "helpful" child that you might see doing more chores.. helping with laundry. or meals? But even an independent 12 year old shouldn't be left at home for days while your SO stays in the hospital with you.. or forced to rot away in a waiting room when better plans could be made.
Does your SO have family of his own in the area.. or would be coming to the area? If so, that sounds like the right solution.. he can still take visitation, but his family takes a handover of SD and cares for her.. in your home.. or theirs..(or airbnb if they are from out of town) If you have a nice, easy birth? she could come home within a day or so of you coming home (if it's still his visitation and she is not a "problem child").. if you don't.. the relative can continue to hellp with her until it's her mom's time again. I would try to plan this..
The other option is a bit more to leave it to fate.. and if there are reasons why SD can't be ther (bad delivery.. immaturity).. then your SO needs to return her to her mother and tell her it's non-negotiable as it's an emergency.
BUT.. the best option is to plan now for SD to have somewhere to go.. and to let her have a less stressful tiime of it... having her present at the hospital when your DH and you will be extremely distracted? it's not a good plan. Whether that plan means she needs to stay with relatives a couple days..week.. really depends on how things go in my mind.
Concerns for stepdaughter
Yes Esmod I completely hear you and one of my major worries is that if it is bad/traumatic/drawn out etc that it will be a bad experience for her and potentially damage our relationship. My husband takes a simplistic view that her being here throughout that time = good because she is involved but in this scenario, I want to make sure her being introduced to her sibling is done in a way that's going to be really positive for her and not have her exposed to me being hormonal/stressed and potentially snappy.
She is mature and independent but as you say that's really not the point, she shouldn't be forced to do those things. She does enough of that at her mum's house and want her to just able to enjoy her sibling...without her being burdened with my grown up mess.
Does your husband have family
Does your husband have family nearby that could take care of her "on a moment's notice"? if so.. tell him THAT is the plan and she can come "home" (if it's his time).. once you and he are sure that the coast is clear so to speak..
My SIL had a traumatic C section.. she couldn't walk for weeks.. my brother had to do all the care of HER and the baby for quite a while after she gave birth.. it would not have been a possibility to have them deal with another child if they had had one..
He has his mum but
He has his mum but unfortunately their relationship is a little strained. I think he could/would ask her and I have family nearby also. My sister has already kindly offered to there on standby to pop her home to her mum if needs be.
It's a sad indication of where I've ended up in my relationship with my husband right now that even though I know you are all right, I'm scared to confront him on this again. It's sad and depressing when he confirms my worst fears about him - 1. That he doesn't see my side 2. Clearly doesn't respect my opinion enough. Working up the courage to speak to him again though
That is indeed a sad
That is indeed a sad indication, and particularly at the time when you're at your most vulnerable. In a way, your husband sounds like someone who would come across as a lovely man to everyone else, but in your intimate relationship with him you know he's just learned to weaponise the therapy/modern sensitive man speak to beat you into submission, where you're scared to bring up something as little as refusing one visit from his daughter when you'll be bed ridden and in pain/discomfort for days.
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Just say NO
If DH takes his DD .. Then he makes arrangements for DD to be someplace else . Just explain to DH this is the way it's going to be.
Is he this stupid all of the
Is he this stupid all of the time? Maybe it's time to be blunt with the reasons for not wanting her there?
If all else fails, get your midwife or ob/gyn to explain to him in graphic detail why having his daughter around at this time is not a good idea.
Be blunt with him, be direct. You want this to be a memorable experience for you and him with no outside interference. Do not be bullied into a situation you do not want.
Please talk to the nurses at your maternity and be very clear that she is not to be admitted while you are giving birth nor to your room later. They know how to deal with these situations effectively. I was lucky. I was in a high risk maternity and under-15s were not admitted...
Stick to your guns.
If he brings SD into the room
If he brings SD into the room while OP is in labor or within a few hours after delivery, OP should ask that both of them be escorted out by security. She will be better off with just the nurses. When i was in labor it was long. 48 hours with the first. I only allowed my husband in the room. Idk if he realizes that sometimes labor requires one or more overnights in the hospital. SD is likely not even allowed, but if she is, she shouldn't be there.
I agree with everything other
I agree with everything other posters have said - this is your baby and the only people in the delivery suite should be those YOU have requested. Your husband doesn't get to dictate who'll be at the hospital/in the delivery suite ... he's not the one giving birth!
Honestly, a deep concern of mine is that you have expressed your concerns to him and he's arrogantly swept them aside and continued to state how things are going to be. And you are "scared to bring it up again"...
It's a big worry that you are scared of your husband's reaction.... there's a definite power imbalance in the relationship. It's absolutely not healthy.
I think you need to take a deep breath, have your sister/Mum with you if need be, and sit him down to say that SD is NOT to be at the hospital at all while you are in there. Furthermore, she is welcome to come to your house AFTER you have settled in back home with the baby and feel ready to see visitors.
Agree 100% here! I was so
Agree 100% here! I was so thankful that DS2 was born during COVID! We didn't have much to discuss. No visitors. Period. (I would have wanted it that way anyways). SD (11 also at the time) happened to be at BM when I went into labor.
Update
Thanks everyone for your comments.
I spoke to my husband last night reminding him of some of the undignified facts about the postpartum period. He said that he understood where I was coming from and that he is open to my stepdaughter staying with his mum or us making plans to send her home if the environment isn't right for her at the time. I am relieved and I do think this will end up happening!
In answer to previous poster, he was around for the birth of my stepdaughter but I think it was quite a different experience because she was in a special care unit for a few weeks. So although they were very tired and stressed/anxious, her mum was not at home grappling with breastfeeding etc:he has probably forgotton how intense it can be.
I feel reassured now and even though I do think we need a back up plan in place, at least he is not as oblivious / stupid as I thought!!!
No. There will be no sending
No. There will be no sending her away if the environment doesn't suit HER. Please insist that there will be no discussion, no evaluation of HER feelings. Do not wait until she is there to voice your concerns! You won't be able to get her out of there and even if you are, you will forever be the bad guy. Make it clear that she is not to be there in the first place. End of story.
Yeah. I'm proud of OP for
Yeah. I'm proud of OP for voicing her concerns but it's OP's environment that needs to be considered first during the birth of her first child. I fear that OP will be put in the position of having to be the "bad guy" while in labor. SD should not be in the delivery room at all. Not in the hospital room after delivery except for a short visit brought by whoever is keeping her, if OP is ok with that. This is considered common for intact families so there is no reason OP should have to suffer more if there is someone who can keep SD. Also - OP - don't let them send you home from the hospital too early. With my second i had the option to go home a day early. My husband at the time talked me into it but it was a mistake.
Also - OP - if there is
Also - OP - if there is someone in your life who could be a support person while you are in labor who you trust will put your needs first, consider having them with you. A mom, sister, cousin, friend.
I agree that what should
I agree that what should happen is that there needs to be a firm plan in place that
If you go into labor while he has custody.. he will immediately call his mom in to come pick her up (from the house.. from the hospital if he has to take you there.. and you can't wait for mom at the house).
Mom can bring SD to the hospital to see baby as I'm sure mom wants to see baby.. but Mom can take care of her until she needs to go back to her mom's for that cycle of visitation.. then after that.. circumstances can dictate whether she comes to your place for the next visitation cycle. Mom is probably going to be visiting you at your home.. so she can bring SD for those brief and currated visits.. but not put you in the place of having to make a send her away decision.
I am 100% on your side on
I am 100% on your side on this one, and it's good that your husband is giving a bit - hold him to that!
When I was pregnant with DD, our plan was for the SDs to go to their mother and stay with her for the first week. If BM wasn't available for whatever reason when I went into labor, my mom was on board to pick up the SDs and keep them as long as necessary. As it turned out, I went into labor during our time, and DH dropped the SDs off with BM (who, unlike your BM, is reasonable and flexible). We did have my mom as a backup plan, though. And skids being with BM was a good thing, because I ended up being in labor for nearly 48 hours. I also didn't need any skids around when we got home - I wanted privacy. BM brought them by the day we got home to meet DD; they stayed an hour and then left. I would not have been happy to have to deal with the SDs during those first few days of adjusting to a newborn. If DH wasn't willing to have the skids elsewhere, I honestly would have gone to my mom's house and left him home with the SDs. Luckily, DH was totally on board with my desires.
Your husband needs to understand that his daughter with his ex
Is not gonna be centre of attention or first priority with bubs around. Your baby will be crying, needing frequent feeds and diaper changes and all hands must be on deck between you and your husband for your baby.
in my case when my daughter was born ss was 17.5 and 19 when our son was born. Hubby has sole custody as exwife disowned ss with the divorce. When it was time to go to the hospital, my husband told ss that we were going to hospital so nothing he wanted was a priority because it wasn't a medical emergency.. ss understood that.
when our son was born we dropped our daughter at my husband's elder brothers place as it was a few mins away from our hospital and hubby picked our daughter up and brought her home. My husbands sister and father stayed with us and sil helped out immensely with laundry, cooking, cleaning and caring for my daughter as my son was delivered by emergency csection.
so i would say from what you have explained so far, if sd is not independent and incredibly demanding and self centred, that nonsense needs to stop now. Your husband needs to understand that there will be a nee baby so the status quo/original family dynamics will not continue anymore. Sd feefees and being treated as a princess will not continue anymore.
what does court order say? Is there a right of refusal if an emergency (which giving birth you will be at hospital), hubby shouldn't be bringing his daughter to hospital when you will be focused on childbirth and recuperating.
is there an option where sd can stay with hubbys parents or his brother or sister for a few days? Biomum refusing to allow this is not her call if its during hubbys custody time. She can either keep sd and you guys take sd the extra week or couple of days she was with bio mum for.
but since biomum is high conflict and self centred, this is often difficult to suggest so you may end up having to suck up some more and offer to take sd a few more days just to keep the peace. Its never easy and incredibly frustrating to deal with.
Your last paragraph is exactly why I don't give a crap about the
what the other parent thinks, wants, or says.
If DH in this scenario is the NCP, he needs to just not accept the visitation that occurs at the birth of his new baby. IF labor starts on the NCP's time, Uber the kid to the CP and the CP can STF up and do what the CP is paid CS to do.
In one of several clarifications we asked of the Judge, it was made clear that if the NCP refuses visitation they do not get that time back at a later date. They tried that early. "We did not take the 5wks visitation last summer so we want 10wks this summer!". We were the CP side of the equation for the 16+ years of the CO. If they declined visitation, we kept and cared for the kid. Without a second thought. We were happy that he was not infected by a visitation. If I were the OP or her DH, I would not offer to take time later. BM, can suck it up do what she is paid to do, and OP and DH can bond with their new baby without the distraction of SD and the antics of BM. When they are ready, DH can accept a future visitation. Until then, BM cares for her child.
IMHO of course.
Toxic idiots are told and they suffer if they fail to do as they are told. BM in this case qualifies I think.