My DH refers to BM as "your mom" or "her mom." I don't think he likes having to actually say her name.

It is totally how he should refer to her to the kids. What do you want him to say? "Call Karen, she can tell you where the book is?"  Or are you just wanting him to say, "Your mom" instead of "Mommy"?

Now, this advice applies only if the kids are little.  If they are older, then it should be "Mom" and not "Mommy"

As for your ex, that's totally different.  If he were calling BM and saying, "Mommy, where is Jr's book?" then I'd think WTF? But he's not doing that, he's calling her that to them.

IMO, this is you being insecure.

"Okay. Tried to draw a parallel by saying that I don’t call my ex-husband “sweetie”, even tho I called him that for 6 years, because we are not together anymore."

BIG difference.  Your EX is no longer your Sweetie... BM is STILL that child's "mommy".

And.. you are NOT the child's "mommy" so how does calling HER that make you feel not part of the family?  BM is that child's mother.  That is a logical way for your DH to refer to her when speaking with the child.  I guess he could say "your mother" vs "mommy" but honestly.. that's semantics and it shouldn't make any difference.  To complain about that makes you appear insecure.  That may not be.. but this does not seem to be a hill to die on.  It sounds like something that you would be better served learning to ignore.

I refer to BM as "your mom" when talking to the boys, or to DH as "your dad". DH does the same when talking about BM. He may have said "Mommy" when they were younger.

 I don't really see the issue. It's not a term of endearment like "honey" or "sweetie". "Mommy", while juvenile-sounding, is a title like Professor, Doctor, Captain, Grandma, Aunt, Cousin, etc. Would you be equally upset if he told his son "well, you'll have to ask Grandma about that"?

DH and I both refer to BM as "mommy" to SD. 

SD has started calling me mom or momma (I think she's copying my 15 month old son with that one) and mommy is reserved for her biological mom. I don't like her calling me mom, but whatever, it's what she wants to do. But yeah, we both say "ask mommy" or "tell mommy" if we're referring to BM. Not a big deal whatsoever. 

it is fine to call the ex "mommy" when talking to the child.  When the child is older "mom" or "your mom". 

I think it would be weird to call the ex by her first name when talking to the child.  It might even cause the child to start calling her by her first name, causing a whole new set of issues.

I completely get how this irritates you.  It would me too.

We referred to the blended family oppositions by their title with their first names added when SS-26 was young.  Now we just refer to them collectively by their family name.  

When he was young it was Daddy(firstname), Gramma9(firstname), etc....  Now it is just "How are the Cadidlehoppers?". For disclosure sake... that is not their IRL last name and was used only for example's sake.

I think I see your dilemma. Your SO is calling her "mommy" implies that relationship is still active to the kid because he's not saying the determiner word "your" mommy. That little word "your" is pretty crucial - like commas in the following two statements:

• Let's eat, Grandma!
• Let's eat Grandma!

The comma is small, but KEY!

If you'd like, maybe weigh in like this... ask him if he's like to be referred to as "Daddy" or "YOUR daddy." Kid says, "Rachel, may I please play with this book of matches," and you say, "I dunnnnno...... Better ask a. Daddy or b. Your daddy." He'll either understand the subtle nuance (or not).

When SKids ask questions that are out of my jurisdiction, I will say "You'll need to ask your mom" or "don't forget to ask your dad." I don't refer to "mommy" without the determiner unless I'm talking to the dogs. "Wanna sit in mommy's lap?" That's because the dogs know her as mommy and me as daddy. Weird, right?

Interestingly, the SKids pick up on this, and I think SS15 thinks I prefer the dogs over him because I keep that determiner "your" in the discussions when talking to the SKids about their mom and dad, but not when talking to the dogs. And he's right! I love those dogs! Him? Uhh... he's OK, sometimes.

I’m saying a lot of what other’s above me already said but here ya go-

Your ex-husband isn’t the child’s “sweetie”. You partner’s ex is the child’s “mommy”. It is a VERY different situation between a pet name between adults and what a child calls the parent.

Your partner is speaking to his child about his “mommy”. When we do the same with SO’s kids it’s “mom” because that’s what THEY call her. If THEY called her “mommy” then it would be “mommy”.

What your partner should NOT do is call the child’s parent by name to the child. He shouldn’t tell his son he needs to call “Sarah”. (Replace with whatever her name is). That is an adult name to be used between adults. 

Bleh, the whole "mommy" and "daddy" thing in general is irritating to me, so this would bother me too. There's just something so babyish about it. It's mom and dad, especially when it's your DH referring to her. "Ask your mom".

My SO and I just call her Crazy when it's just him and I.

My SO's kids are 6 and 3.  A couple years ago, he always referred to BM as Mommy when he was talking to them.  Over time and as they've gotten a bit older he has transitioned to mostly "your Mom."   He still says Mommy occasionally but it doesn't bother me.  I've also heard BM referring to SO as Daddy when she's talking to the kids.  If that's still going on when they're teenagers I'll probably be annoyed by it, but for now it's pretty far down my grievance list.

He always referred to North Korea has "mommy" and I met him when his kids were 9 and 10. I have a 9 year old now and she doesn't call me mommy. She calls me mom. My four year old calls me mommy. This would creep me the hell out when he did that. So I feel you

I think a lot of this is kind of age dependent on the child.  If the kid is like 6 and younger.. I think your DH saying just "mommy" is fine.. it's simple and understandable by the child.  Maybe 6-8 or 9.. "your Mommy".. beyond that.. I think "your Mom or Your mother" is reasonable.

What your DH is saying is technically true.. but there is also the matter of fact that it is upsetting you.  If he could transition to adding the "your" quicker.. it really is the same thing.. and sometimes our partners should do things for us.. even if the things we want them to do are "stupid" or "not big deals".

When talking to his daughter about her mom, my DH has always said, "Your mom ", so it's never been an issue.

I do get it, married couples with kids, often refer to each other as "mom" or "dad" when talking to the kids, so using that term, without the "your", does imply togetherness and familiarity (that is not there, anymore).

For example, when I talk to my niece about my dad, I say, "Grandpa", because he is part of my family, as well as hers. If I'm talking to her about her grandfather on her other side of the family, I say, "Your Grandpa," because we are not family and I don't have that familiarity with him.

Your partner probably just does it out of habit, but I understand that it can feel kind of like he is still calling her by a pet name.

So my SSs did this in the beginning. One was 10, other was 7. It just sounded weird, especially from the older one because he’s huge. I agree that calling her her name is alienation. We just use ‘your mother’. It sounds very formal and doesn’t have the familiar vibe that ‘mommy’ does. And they called my husband daddy and it continued until about six months  ago.  

To stop it one day, I made the remark in front of all the kids (now 18,15, SS14,SS11), ‘he may be your dad, but he’s my daddy.’ Just because I couldn’t take a 250 lb 14 year old, and a 140 lb 11 year old saying ‘daddy.’ They haven’t uttered it since. 

break DH's bad habbit when he says to skid "lets go ask mommy" just look at DH and say "yes, you should ask your mommy"   use a friendly/joking face when you say this.  Then DH will say "shes not my mommy!" shes skids mommy!" then you could laugh and say "oh, I thought you said lets go ask mommy!" this can all take place in front of Skid.  then you can all laugh and start saying "lets go ask YOUR mommy" in the future

This may not be what you want to read, but this is a non-issue in my opinion and yes, probably more about your own issues about being "only the girlfriend". If it bothers  you, examine why it does. A generic title like "Mommy", has no implication of intimacy to me - and the comparison to your ex being called "Sweetie" is false equivalency as he is an ex Sweetie, but Mommy is not an ex Mommy - these relationships were and are not the same.

I am always amazed at the faux indignation at "Mommy" or "Daddy" ... must be  a cultural difference. Not one worth getting in to as far as I am concerned when it is not my right to prescribe what others call each other.

In step-life there are usually bigger battles to fight. This one gets a pass from me.

I didn't read the whole thread. 

It used to drive me bonkers when EXDH used to refer to Biomom to SD as "Mom".  

"We can call Mom and see if she knows where your book is."   

Over time, on his own, he started to use "Your Mom".  Which I preferred.

Referring to bio-parent as "Mom" or "Dad" rather than "Your Mom" or "Your Dad" to me implies a sense of familiarity that shouldn't exist now that parents are divorced.  

Its not a hill worth dying on.  

Here's another thought.  It never would have occurred to me, as a Stepmother, to refer to EXDH as "Dad" to SD.  As in, "Lets call Dad, maybe he knows where your book is".  Instead it was always: "Lets call your Dad".

So is  "Mom" and "Dad" only allowed to be used by the First Family?  

...maybe helps to put it into perspective.

I've noticed that determiner word, "your" is pretty significant in a lot of scenarios. For instance, let's say I bought a really nice blender.

To me, it's MY blender. I picked it out, I paid for it, I brought it home, I opened the box and set it up... Mine, right? Of course.

DW comes in, "What didja get?"

"A blender! Niiiiice, right?"

"Yeah, awesome!"

Now it's sort of hers and mine.

Thing1 and Thing2 come over. "What's THAT?"

DW says, "It's Java's blender. Nice, right?"

"Meh." Teenagers, right? Everything is meh, AT FIRST.

A week goes by... Thing1 and Thing2 see me using it, and they want a delicious smoothie, too. But they don't ask me. They wait till I'm out of earshot, then ask DW, "So, how does this work? I wish I could have a smoothie..." So DW makes each of them a smoothie. Then they go gaaaagaaaaaaaa over it. Next thing I know, Thing1 and Thing2 are blending all sorts of stuff in it without my knowledge. Even on days these twerps are supposed to be eating their dad's groceries, they're eating ours and blending the hell out of stuff in my blender. GRRRRRR...

And NOW, the three of them are calling it (whose?)

Not my blender.

Not OUR blender.

It's THE blender. This way, they don't have to take any responsibility, and they get to enjoy it all they want at will. Friends coming over, sleepovers, school projects, WHO CARES??? It's THE blender.

Then it breaks.

"Java, your blender broke." It was never their responsibility because they never took responsibility - and now that it's broken, it became mine, as if I broke it in a store with signs all over that say "I break it, I cry... You break it, you buy."

Subtle. But it's everything, and they know it.

I get where you’re coming from. Seeing as about half the people responding see it one way and the other half sees it the other, I don’t think it’s necessarily an insecurity. To me, there’s a certain sense of intimacy in referring to someone as ‘mom’ instead of ‘my’ mom or ‘your’ mom.

I heard BM refer to DH as Dad once & it sent chills down my spine, I think because it made me feel outside ‘their’ family and felt quite intimate. DH always refers to her as ‘your mom’ to the boys, though I’ve never asked him to do that. 

I think some of us see it as an intimate reference, and some of us don’t. There’s nothing wrong with either point of view, though if it really bothers you you need to talk to DH about it. 

I think it is fine to ask SO to refer to his ex as ths kids mom or mommy.  I would not differentiate between mom, mummy, mommy, etc.  Fine to ask him to say YOUR mum, whatever.

But comparing mommy with sweetie, is WAY off base, and you will likely lose credibiltiy with him.  If you cannot accept that, you are in for many fights.  Mom and Dad, and any versions of that name should be reserved for biological parents, and IMHO, it is an attempt at parental alienation to refuse to allow the kid to use those words.  

OP, if you cannot accept that the kid has a mom, you need to look for a man who does not have kids. 

It sounds like he's only saying it to the kid. I think that's totally normal. When talking to me Psycho is "the ex." He only uses the term mom when he has to and when talking to the skids. Because that's easiest for them to understand. If he started claling her "the ex" it would likely cause more issues than not, a lot of questions and confusion, especially for SD5, and it woul dundoubtedly make it back to Psycho in the form of SD5 calling her "the ex" which would then end in a dramatic pissing contest from Psycho.

It's just simpler during the few times she come up to say "your mom." Even for me. And they call me mom too. LMAO

I know down south "mommy" is a common nickname, but in my neck of the woods, anyone over the age of 6 saying "mommy" will probably earn a few side eyes.

It bothers you because of the implied intimacy and you told him this? And he still does it? I would find it not only weird and annoying, but now hurtful as he doesn't seem to care how it makes you feel. 

In divorce, the kids aren't getting divorced; just the parents. But everyone experiences and feels it, and everyone must get over it. The kid needs to learn to understand "Did you ask your mom?" means HIS mom, because she is and always will be - and because all parties know everyone has to get over the divorce and keep it civil.