Parent Teacher Conferences and Related School Issues...
My significant other has a 13m and an 11f.
As the future step-mother (we aren't married yet), I feel that as a modern blended family, all parents (step and bio) should be an active part of the children's lives.
I've ran into an issue where I was told by my SO that I would not be taking part in parent-teacher conferences for the foreseeable future (even possibly when we finally are married).
I should mention that I have no problem whatsoever with the bio mom, and she has no problem with me (not that we go out and have drinks together, but we get along well).
Aside from that, I often feel like a third wheel when it comes to taking a parenting role with the children. Sometimes issues like this make me feel unimportant and like I am not a part of the family. My SO often doesn't tell me what is going on in the kids lives unless I pester him (as in participation in school, swimming, band and other events).
I think I'm pretty normal in wanting it to be different, but the way he acts makes me feel like I am unvalued. Does anyone else deal with these issues?
I have heard some opposition
I have heard some opposition to our line of thought, that we should be included as the life partner... and I have heard a loud minority opinion that we have no rights because we are not the biological parent.
I don't know what to think actually. I feel like we are in this together like as you say...
Thank you for your comments.
I am glad there are some
I am glad there are some people on here who think this way. I want to be an active SM. I do go to parent-teacher conferences with my DH, help coach sports teams and do class parties. When we are getting along BM encourages me to do these things when we aren't getting along she texts my DH complaining about it. I just do what I think is best for my skids, but my DH wants me to do these things. I can't imagine him not encouraging you to want to be there. I would try to talk to him and figure out what his reasons are for not wanting you to go and take care of any concerns he may have. I have seen many people say on here you only have as many rights as you take. I plan on doing anything for my skids that I possibly can.
There's no reason for you to
There's no reason for you to be there. It's a PARENT-teacher conference. You are neither the parent nor the teacher.
These two parents can handle raising their child(ren). You are your SO's partner. You can help and support him in his role as a father. This does NOT mean that you need to attend every little things regarding his children.
And it sounds like he's made it clear to you that he wants to handle it on his own.
I just don't understand why women seem to think being with a father suddenly, magically entitles them to everything!!
I should clarify that I am
I should clarify that I am more concerned about when we are legally married and I legally become the step-mother to the children.
I've been a "legal
I've been a "legal stepmother" (married to the father) for a total of 17 years of my 37 years on this planet. (Give or take a few months.
)
It doesn't matter. Those are THEIR kids. There's no reason for you to be there. (I don't understand why you WANT to be?) Anything important, your (then) DH can relay it to you.
In my case, I actually attended conferences for my older SD INSTEAD of either bioparent. Long story.
For my DH's kids? Nope. Didn't attend a thing. It wasn't my "place," and I couldn't have cared less.
Because I am a believer in a
Because I am a believer in a modern blended family...
I'm happy if your way works out for you. I'm not so sure it would work out for a lot of people in my situation though. We are all different people though.
It's what YOUR SO wants. He's
It's what YOUR SO wants. He's already told you he doesn't want you there.
Now, I'm sure you'll be pissed off, tell him all the reasons why he's wrong, and you'll wind up attending.
It has NOTHING to do with being a "modern blended family." Nothing at all. Be modern. Be blended. But allow your SO to be the father he's always been when he didn't have you telling him what to do and how to do it.
Personally, I'm a believer in the nuclear family. WAAAY less headaches and hassles to deal with, imo. And that's coming from someone who's never been the "first wife."
Hmm.... I didn't mention
Hmm....
I didn't mention telling him what to do or how to do it. Where did you get that idea from?
And no, I won't end up attending anything he doesn't want me to. I am not interested in being where it makes people uncomfortable. I'd rather not make people uncomfortable.
My question was more to connect with those who have dealt with such things, so that I can better learn how to deal with such things.
Well, you mentioned he told
Well, you mentioned he told you he doesn't want you there, AND you mentioned that he only shares info with you after you (quote) pester him (end quote.)
Sooo... it sounds like you keep after him until you get what you want.
And you've connected with me...and I've definitely "been there, done that."
StickAFork, Well, thank you
StickAFork,
Well, thank you for connecting with me as you say. However, you are wrong about what you assume my behavior or motives to be, especially in the future.
I have long since dropped discussing the issue with my SO, months ago. I'm done with it. I was seeking friendly advice and support.
I know that my SO's behavior (most of which I have not even mentioned here) is mostly abnormal. I have come to that conclusion from speaking to multiple people about it, and I also take my own feelings and thoughts about his behaviors into account.
And just to be clear--- even if I was to do what you say, and "pester" him until I get what I allegedly want, it wouldn't be your problem. Why you are so hostile with me about this is beyond me.
I'm not being hostile at
I'm not being hostile at all.
I was quoting what YOU said about YOUR actions.
I wasn't assuming anything; I was using your verbiage.
Like I said, I was the ONLY parent who attended SD's conferences for several years. Imagine showing up, as the SM and then "ex" SM and telling the teachers I'm there because BOTH of SD's lived in different states.
I'm all for being an involved stepparent if the bio parents support it. I just don't think that a step should push their way in, especially against the bios' wishes. In your case, you said that your BF doesn't want you there, now or in the future, and you stated that you have to pester him to get information out of him.
Perhaps, instead of accusing me of being "hostile," you reread what you wrote. Read the words you used. It might help you understand why I, as an outsider, said what I did.
BTW, be careful labeling your BF's behavior as "abnormal" based on what "people" have said after YOU gave them your side only. That's a dangerous way to start seeing him. Instead, why not go to a counselor who will be an objective (key word) party and can help the two of you navigate this new situation? Getting married is a big deal, and becoming a stepparent changes everything.
MommytoTwinAngels, So there
MommytoTwinAngels,
So there is a contingent of people who believe SM's can make BD's do whatever they want? Interesting.
Grown adult men make their own decisions, and I'm with you that good husbands include their wives (if it is to be a good, cohesive, happy blended family that is).
This can look different because every family is different, but some kind of inclusion is healthy in blended families.
Thanks again.
I think the issue with a lot
I think the issue with a lot of S-Talkers is that in a lot of way the menfolk involved are NOT true adults who make sound decisions and handle their business appropriatly.
Heck, if the people we are involved with were so great at being on top of things Step talk may not even exist!
I am in the "no steps at conferences" camp- my skids have two parents, I am not one of them. they are both actibly involved, there is no reason for me to go. Same goes with my bios- the homewrecker doesn't need to involve herself when XH and I are both involved, active parents- she can worry about her own kids, I've got the mom thing covered for mine.
Thanks @MommytoTwinAngels
Thanks @MommytoTwinAngels
I'm at least happy that I have no personal problems with the BM or the Skids like so many seem to have...
Hello stepdown, No I am not
Hello stepdown,
No I am not worried they will speak, or that I will necessarily miss anything. My SO and his ex-wife speak and email and even see each other frequently, and I'm not around.
I should be told about the children's activities because it has to do with day to day living. It changes plans, and it is probably a good idea if I know where the kids are when my SO is gone from the house. It only makes sense.
I should mention that my SO has a grown step-daughter himself, and he DID go to parent-teacher conferences and other things. That is partly why I cannot understand his perspective (but I do respect his decisions).
I am not sure what to think about the parent teacher conferences. I stated in another post that I am not yet married, but that I think when you are married it becomes something that a lot of step-parents do. Some people who are not yet married that are in my situation that I know personally actually do attend parent-teacher conferences. I actually don't really want to go to parent-teacher conferences at this point.
Yes, he probably is embarrassed... divorce is frowned on in the Catholic church, and they attend Catholic school.
I see no conflict with my going to back to school night though... like another poster said, that's a good thing.
Thanks for the reply.
Come on, SAF, you know it
Come on, SAF, you know it takes years to realize it's actually more peaceful to disengage and let the bios handle their own kids! Sounds like she is new to this and I remember being at that stage at the beginning...not knowing where you stand, feeling your role is undervalued, not knowing how involved you should be, feeling like DH has this bond or connection with creepy BM and you're left out of your own husband's family...
Gotta hand it to her, she's asking the right questions and I don't think she feels "magically entitled." It's just a tough spot to be in at first, and sometimes always.
Yes Frustr8d1, it hasn't been
Yes Frustr8d1, it hasn't been quite a year yet. Good observation.
I have to say, you may have convinced me that it is okay to not worry about it so much.
DH will always have some bond with the BM... because of the children. There is nothing I can do about it though. It can be sort of discombobulating at times.
I will have to evaluate my situation and see how I can better emotionally handle things.
Believe me, sassykat, you
Believe me, sassykat, you will likely get to the point where you don't want to be involved in all the parent-teacher conferences, etc!
After I learned to just be on the sidelines with SD9, I felt better about many things. She's not my worry and what she does in school only concerns her parents. It's a relief really, more than anything!
Still, I totally know how it is to feel like the undervalued 3rd wheel. Don't let that part get to you. Eventually, you will be glad that you don't have to stress about the skids grades/behavior in school.
Hahaha, yes I understand that
Hahaha, yes I understand that side of things as well Frustr8d1.
Since my SO has custody of the kids 50% of the time, and they are actually here every single day M-F until 6pm, it's a really big part of our life.
I didn't ask to fall in love with a guy with children. It just happened. Now I am learning how to deal with it in an effective manner, without stepping over boundaries or causing strife in my life (or anyone's).
Thanks for the encouragement!
Trust me, sassykat, I have SD
Trust me, sassykat, I have SD 100% of the time with NO breaks ever. SD's lazy ass loser BM has abandoned her to us full time. Not even phone calls. Needless to say, SD is unfortunately a "big part of our life" too. That makes it even harder to disengage but listen to SAF and try to care less. It's hard as hell when the skid is in your face 24/7 but it's somewhat possible with alcohol and heavy denial!
"I'm a believer in the nuclear family." Oh HELL YES!
Thank you Mrs. Taylor I'm
Thank you Mrs. Taylor
I'm fortunate. I have a great relationship with the kids.
I think what you have experienced is all too common with the bio-families though.
Is it perhaps a position of least resistance (the stance you take), or just a logical solution? I think there is no one right answer for everyone, but I value almost all viewpoints.
Although my SO and his ex-wife (the BM) have only been divorced a little over a year, they were separated much longer. I suspect he is afraid of letting me in close, but I could be only partially right (or perhaps not correct at all).
I actually don't feel comfortable discussing it with him anymore at this time. I need to sort some emotions out myself.
Steppin Up This is the
Steppin Up
This is the viewpoint that my friends in similar situations as I am in hold to as well.
I go to the kids events, but we don't sit with the BM (but we are friendly and always say hello).
I suppose I am just confused.
Anyway, off to dinner for me! Thanks for taking the time out to answer.
I hope that it works out for
I hope that it works out for you. It never did for me. After 12 years its still pretty much the same. I feel like the outsider when it comes to SD. Thank goodness she is 18 and graduated from school. Now If she would just move out !!!
so justthemeanstepmom, Does
so justthemeanstepmom,
Does your husband integrate you after all of these years, or is it more that the SD doesn't get along with you?
Hey there curlysue321, You
Hey there curlysue321,
You are assuming that I am "stepping in" where I am not wanted. Not at all. Both parents do their job, and I never interfere.
I consider myself an adult friend to the children. I'm okay with that.
And it is never okay to be made to feel like you are a third wheel. There are other ways of handling those situations than being made to feel like you are unwanted and not a part of anything, which is certainly not the case.
Here's the deal. You have no
Here's the deal. You have no legal right to be there. If your SO says no, you can't go. If BM says no, you can't go. The school will not let you. I suggest letting him know that you want to know about the kid's activities so that you can attend and support them if you are able to.
You are not a legal parent. There's no such thing as a "legal step-parent".
Enjoy the fact that this is the only drama you are dealing with and it is not NECESSARY for you to step in.
Here is how is see it as a SM
Here is how is see it as a SM and a BM at the same time: you have every right to be involved if the kids are in your care all the time, but having a right is one thing, not stepping on anyone's toes is another. As a BM, my kids' SM's aggressive inserting herself into everything put me off initially. It took time for us to become "friends". So here is an idea: why don't you express an interest in attending back to school nights? They are not about individual interactions with the teacher, but about you getting a general idea of what happens in school, what the school looks like, what your Sk's day looks like. My DH and me have just been to 3 back to school nights for 1 SD and my 2 bio-sons and all those events have been very informative. I have disengaged from my skids but i support my DH in his efforts to have a relationship with them. So we talk about the books he is now reading because the SD is reading them ( she is a senior, and he has been reading Greek tragedies, which i love discussing - with him, not with her). We then went to my 2 boys' back to school nights and now we are all on the same page re their teachers, classes, etc. I have actually invited my boys' SM and my ex to come to both schools and they never showed up. Too bad.. Since it is all very new in your scenarion i would not push but let things develop... what your DH is comfortable with right now is not what he may be comfortable with later. Those things do evolve... being a SM is a thankless job, however. It is great that you have a good relationship with your skids. Make sure it stays that way ... Your contribution is a valuable one but it is not likely to be overtly valued or acknowledged... no matter how many games or school shows you go to. May be when they are grown...
@Pilgrim Soul Thanks for the
@Pilgrim Soul
Thanks for the advice. I'm never aggressive in inserting myself into anything; I actually take a step back because on some things (like when they did have back to school night), I simply didn't feel welcome by my significant other. That I did have a problem with, and I discussed it with him. It was even more important because if I was to be dropping kids off or picking them up from school on occasion, the school needed to know who I was.
Ironically, I am not really all that interested in parent-teacher conferences because I see them as a pain in the behind, and also because I am not yet married to my SO. However, my friend in a similar situation to me does go to her SD's and expressed concern about many things that I was not included in, for someone who is going to be there for the long run. I've had many conversations about different things with my friend and other people, and it seems my situation is slightly abnormal (there are things I have not mentioned as well, but not that important in this query).
Mostly I just want to be a good person and valued and somewhat included. The kids are kids though. I have no control over the actions of other people, including my SO. I'll just keep trucking on and do what I do. If it gets overwhelming I'll re-evaluate.
Thanks again.
Objectively, how do you
Objectively, how do you equate "pestering" him until he tells you what you want to know with "not inserting yourself" or being "aggressive?"
Look, if you're doing it, own it. Don't say you're not doing it and then pester him until he shares with you.
That's contradictory.
@StickAFork, I was using
@StickAFork,
I was using pestering as a euphemism to get my point across. Surely you understand that I mean questioning him about it (because the daily activities of the kids actually affect both of our lives). I don't need to pull teeth to get information from him, he just isn't very good about sharing.
Hello stepdown, My friend
Hello stepdown,
My friend goes to conferences with her fiance, and also the school has his express permission for certain things. Its not like she goes by herself, although I'm sure she could if her fiance set it up that way with the school.
I didn't say he was only divorced a year. I said I have only been living with him for that long (actually 9 months). They've been divorced about 3 years now...
I completely understand where
I completely understand where you are coming from. I married my SO when my SD was 2. She is now 11. Her mom and I got along perfect as long as I was helping her out, ie. giving Child Support Early, Sending all my kids clothes to her kids, just a lot of things. She then started taking advantage of me thinking like I owed it to her for some reason. I made a lot of mistakes thinking we could be civil with each other. She has a lot of kids and her and her SO live with her parents upstairs in the garage. They barely get by. I live 1000s of miles away, and since we WERE on good terms, I LET her screw me in many ways. 9 years later, we do not speak. My SD loves me unconditionallly. But since I stopped allowing her to take advantage of me, she is trying to get mad at any little thing she thinks she can with my husband, which makes him mad, which makes our lives horrible. Good luck, but from experience, it's better to not try to be anything. Only come when invited, b/c you will always be the bad guy and you will feel like the majority of SMs around. I thought I could be different, but it took me realizing that I couldn't be. Good Luck, I wish you the best.
Thanks AFMOM and all the
Thanks AFMOM and all the others who have shared their viewpoints and advice.
I will continue to tread carefully on the subject when it comes to my household and living situation. I'm more interested in having things run smoothly than anything else at this point.
Good Luck
Good Luck
Thank you AFMOM.
Thank you AFMOM.
wayinovermyhead, I'm just
wayinovermyhead,
I'm just going to take it as slow as I/he needs to. If I feel that it is more than just taking it slow, I will have to discuss it with him.
Honestly the best I can ask for at this point in my life is that I get along really well with the kids, they respect me, and have fun together. I'll continue to address my emotions as they come up. I've never been in this situation before...
Does the bm have a problem
Does the bm have a problem with you being there? If so, its probably easier to just leave it. If she doesn't and this is all your so, then stop doing anything for the skids. Don't cook for them, clean up after them, get them ready for school, help with homework, NOTHING. I'm going to guess you do a lot of these things as you have them 50% and sound like you are doing your best to be a good sm. Let him know if he wants you to be part of the parenting 'team' its an all or nothing deal. He can't just expect you to do all of the menial stuff and have no say. I am a great believer that people treat you they way you LET them treat you. As a sm, you need to learn to set boundries to protect yourself and be very firm with them.
Erin005, No, the BM has no
Erin005,
No, the BM has no problem with me that I am aware of, and we are really friendly to each other. I would certainly understand if she did. The reality is she has more of a problem with my SO than she does with me...
Yes, I do a lot of things such as those that you mentioned (homework, getting ready for school and activities, cleaning up after them laundry, etc. etc.). In fact, without me here I'm not sure how this household ran smoothly at all. I do my best to be a good SM and just what I consider a responsible person and role model (for both myself and for the SK's).
I really feel what you mean by being treated like I am there just for the menial, which is sort of what it felt like and at times continues to feel like. I'm not sure I can make my SO understand without him getting upset. I have to learn to deal with this in the best way possible without his input right now. I feel he does not listen to my concerns (or rather, he feels he is correct).
I think you have great advice about setting boundaries and protecting myself (including being firm with the boundaries). I have had times where I wanted to step back and stop doing those things that I do for them and my SO and the household, but I don't feel right about that.
Great advice Erin. What you
Great advice Erin. What you just said took me 9 years to figure out. Hopefully, she can really understand it a lot better than I did. A lot of heartache and pain could of been stopped. But I know in your heart you just can't back down, b/c you feel as if the SKID is the one ultimately suffering. But trust me, they aren't in any more pain with out not trying to be the best stepmom.