Parent Orientation at DDs school
This week is parent orientation. I have been asking DH to go with me for 2 weeks now. I'm a young mom, well younger than most at the school and last year I went alone and got tons of funny looks from other parents. Beyond that, I really wanted to DH to hear what the teacher had to say about the new school year, etc. We were trying to find a babysitter when he realized that it wasn't a one on one with the teacher and said we both didn't need to go. I was a little upset. Obviously, we both don't NEED to go but I wanted us both there. I told him what bothered me the most was I know he will say the same thing when it comes to OUR DS but when it comes to SS4, he will make sure he is there...for everything. He said the situations are completely different bc we can trust and rely on each other to give any and all information afterwards and he can't trust BM to tell him anything. I told him that I understood that aspect of it but why does she get my husband at all the important events and I have to go alone? Why does SS get daddy but my DD and our DS don't? Can we explain to the other kids that BM is a bitch and that's why? No. So the other kids will just see it as they will probably see everything else, and that is SS gets more from daddy. Don't get me wrong here...our DS is just like DH. He loves DH like there is no tomorrow and he has completely adapted DHs personality and I think it's awesome. I just can't help but feel like BM will always get more than me. He attends the Drs appts, speciailist appts, preschool functions, etc. I know DH can't trust her but why does that mean the other kids and me don't get him also?
I can see the validity to
I can see the validity to what your DH is saying. If BM will not give him information, that makes it all the more imperative that he go to SS' school events.
What kind of relationship does DH have with DD? Is DDs biodad in her life? In some way, these things might factor into why DH feels the way he does about going to the school.
DH has a right to go straight
DH has a right to go straight to the school and get any information needed. Therefore, it's unnecessary to do everything on the basis that 'BM won't give me the info.'
Your DH should treat your kid
Your DH should treat your kid together, the way he treats his kid with BM. Period. And you should not be left alone in the big moments. If the tables were turned, and you were running off being a 'family' with your ex, I'm sure your DH would feel differently.
I know EXACTLY how you feel.
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have DD12 and DD8 from prior relationship and raise them with little to no involvement from their BD. I had them very young and look young for my age the way it is so I KNOW what you mean by the "looks" you get and how you feel judged when you got school events for them and are way younger than everyone else and are their ALONE - it is equated with young single mom that doesn't know what she is doing and all sorts of other judgments. I feel it constantly - especially when you get the looks when they realize that I'm DD12 MOM and not her sister - even from the other KIDS!
My DH also doesn't rarely come to school functions because he doesn’t' think it's "necessary" for us both to be there and thinks it's easier for him to stay home with our babies (DD1 and DD7months). But GOD FORBID he ever miss an event of SD10. He is there for EVERYTHING. Two reasons 1) He doesn't trust BM to give him information (half the time she doesn't even tell him of things, but we always contact the school/teacher at the beginning of each year to ask that we get direct emails and mailings or what is happening at the school and with SD) and 2) BM is a complete idiot and he doesn’t want people think that SD has idiot parents and that she has at least one normal parent.
It irritates be beyond belief that everyone sees DH and BM at SD’s school for all of SD’s things and they can look like their “family”. Because no way in hell could I also be present. Tried that a few times and BM throw’s the biggest fit in front of everyone including SD’s teacher and I just don’t think the stress of how BM is going to react is worth trying (stress and anxiety that it causes me, SD and DH).
But then at my DD’s school I’m looked at like a SINGLE parent and most probably don’t even realize that I am married. If people seen my DH out in public wouldn’t even know he was my DH, but if people from SD’s school did would associate him with BM and SD. And yes, it sucks because I get to sit there through all the music programs, open houses, conferences, carnivals, book fairs, sports sign ups, etc ALONE and BM gets to have the company of MY DH.
It’s not fair and it totally sucks. I have tried to point this out time after time to DH and it’s still continues on the way it is. I don’t have any solution or suggestions for you – just sympathy because I know exactly what you are going through.