Not sure how to continue...
My boyfriend and I have been together for around 4 years. We lived together, with joint custody of his son, for a year and a half. Things were not working out with us, mostly because of issues relating to his son. After reading several books on stepparenting and going to counselling with my boyfriend about our issues, nothing seemed to get better. We both tried very hard, but I couldn't take it anymore. I moved out and we have continued to see eachother for the last year and a half on days when he doesn't have his son. Our relationship is definitely more enjoyable now, but still somewhat strained because of having to work around the custody arrangement. There are a lot of serious unresolved issues between us from when we lived together and I'm not sure what the best way to deal with these issues is. It may seem highly impractical, but my plan at present is to wait until his son is out of the house (I assume that will be about 10 years from now) and then move back in together. I know this is sort of ridiculous, but I don't know what else to do. My boyfriend and I are very much in love and are best friends. I can't really imagine being with anyone else.
When we lived together, life was miserable. I have no kids of my own and felt like I was immediately expected to become "instamom" to his son. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I devoted the better part of the year and a half we lived together trying to find ways to make our new family work. It felt like I lost all the passion I used to have for the things in life that I used to enjoy. It was exhausting and extremely frusterating when my boyfriend would not back me up with things we agreed to try. He would get upset if I did not spend every spare minute I had with his son, who is a very emotionally needy child. If there were days when I just felt like lying in bed and reading, he would get mad when I tried to tell his son he could not do something he was told not to do. It seemed like his opinion was either I was totally involved or I had no right to tell his kid what he could or couldn't do.
Has anyone else ever had this problem? Should stepmoms necessarily be expected to have the role of a normal parent? I just felt like some days I couldn't do it. I didn't ask for a kid and I really came to resent looking after his son when I felt like the ultimate decisions regarding parenting were made by my boyfriend and my authority was always second to his. I felt like I was expected to do all the shit jobs without getting the bond that parents share with their kids or even the authority to take control of my own home. I wanted to love his son, but I just couldn't make myself. It still makes me feel terrible that I wasn't able to do this.
The reason I'm asking these questions is that I'm starting to wonder how we should go about continuing our relationship. Sometimes I wish we could all live together happily, but then I remember how things were before. Is it even reasonable to wait 10 years for his son to be out of the house?
I think
that you are WISE beyond belief. Ten years of hell, or ten years of anticipation? Which is better?
You don't have to be a mom to this boy. Be like a nice aunt----not your child, not your responsibility.
If ten years is too long sweetie, move on. Moving on might be better for you.
Good luck sweetie.
"Ten years of hell, or ten
"Ten years of hell, or ten years of anticipation?" I like your thinking...
That is a long time
I would say it all depends on what goals you have for your life . . . do you want to get married, do you want to have kids of your own? If you do and do not want to deal with a ready made family, as hard as it is I would let this guy go. If you feel you love this man so much you have to be with him, maybe it would depend on if he will support you having authority with this child. It does take a while to gain this but you have to have it from him.
But I am not a fan of dating for a long time. Unless there is some reason you don't want to be married, I wouldn't want to just date someone for that long myself, it seems kind of like planned drifting? but what do I know. I like the commitment, of course that is never a guarantee, but it is a little harder for either of you to back out if you are legally married and it protects you financially too.
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
Well, I think eventually I'd
Well, I think eventually I'd like to get married, but I'm in no rush. I have pretty much decided I don't want any kids of my own, so that's really not an issue.
I enjoy my own independence, too. Sometimes it's hard not being able to see my boyfriend whenever I want to, but mostly it's nice not always having someone to answer to when I walk in the door.
About the commitment issue - even though we aren't married, we are both entirely monogamous. I know marriage adds a degree of certainty to a relationship, and sometimes I do wish for that, but it also scares me too. I'm mostly afraid of moving back in together and/or getting married because of how miserable my life was when we lived together before. I don't know if I could handle trying it again and then failing once more. Especially if we were married.
My main issue is that, even though I felt entitled to having control over my home and what went on in it (particularly concerning my boyfriend's son), I resented being expected to play the role of full-time parent. Just wondering if it is fair to expect what I did or if things only really work when the stepmom completely embraces the parenting role.
what ever makes you happy
If you are content with waiting than thats great . I know for me i dont think i could do it. I am living with BF now and we are getting married in one month. His skids live with us. (part time) . Right from the get go we seemed to have an agreement that they are his kids and his responsiblity. IF i choose to do things like babysit or cook or do laundry it is my chose. He asks me when he needs a favor , like babysitting and i have no problem saying no if i cant or dont want to. This works for me.
They have a mom and im not it. Mostly i do things for them because i want to...not because i have to. When they get on my nerves i just say to myself......."not my kids, not my problem". That little saying really helps me during the rough times.
His SD is a real piece of work. She is very clingy and needy. SO it can be really difficult...but when she goes to her moms i get a break. SHe can also be a real sweet heart too.
Kids are kids...its not easy. Especially when you dont have any of your own. WHich i dont.
good luck!
So, when the kids are
So, when the kids are misbehaving, does your boyfriend mind if you correct them? That was always our problem - I could correct his son, but only if I was willing to be involved in raising him 24/7. It was not OK with my boyfriend when I just didn't feel like doing the whole family thing sometimes. I couldn't just retreat to our bedroom with my book for the better part of the day if I felt like it. It was all or nothing with him.
Yeah, my boyfriend and I
Yeah, my boyfriend and I have had that chat. He made it pretty clear that his son would not be living at home into his twenties. I guess we'll see if that really happens or not...
Mustang's Right
I'm sorry to burst your bubble, praha, but if you're waiting for the magic number "18" to solve all your problems in your relationship with your BF, then I suggest you read the posts in the Adult Stepchildren Section!
Children, no matter what the age, are a lifelong, neverending responsibility. It's always going to be a challenge, be it a financial obligation, or an emotional heartbreak for parents. It's just the nature of the job.
And when a child turns 18, it doesn't mean a parent has 'crossed the finish line' and can walk away from all their problems and live a magical happy life.
Oh- if it were that simple
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
I see what you mean. I don't
I see what you mean. I don't expect to never have to deal with his son again once he moves out, but I assume it would be a bit easier to "disengage" once I don't have to deal with his son constantly hanging off my leg, in my face, and in my home on a constant basis. I think that would make things a bit more tolerable (I know that sounds kind of harsh). Am I wrong?