Need to vent and would love some advice from people who've been through this
Hello,
First off, after reading a couple posts you can not believe how relieved I am to see other people with the same frustrations. I swear I though I was the only one dealing with this complete shit!
I married a single mother of two 12 years ago. We've had a great marriage, I have a good relationship with the older daughter who is in her early 20s and lives with her boyfriend now. We talk, joke around, I do her income taxes and help her out when she needs it, it's great. Her son though, is a different story. He is beyond rude, disrespectful and disobedient. I have spent years trying to do the right thing with him; Help with school work (he's been borderline failing classes at best), tried to do stuff with him, but it's been nothing but years and years of misery.
The older he got the worst his behavior. He's been nothing but rude to everyone, and he's spent years in the basement screaming and swearing at his video games. I've tried everything, so has his mother, except for the fact that she's always excused his behavior as someone else's fault. It's the teachers who are responsible for his bad attitude at school. Apparently the football coach owes him the position he wants and all the playtime he desires or else she'll go and have arguments with him. There's always a problem. He doesn't solve any problems, he just moves on to a new one.
Recently, my wife starts telling me he wants to do chores around the house for money. My response, I suppose, should have been to tell her to leave me out of it but I chose instead to point out that he's been failing classes, not doing homework, not helping around the house, so maybe instead he should go apply for a job like other 17 year-olds (he has already refused to show up for a job he would have gotten without question because the place was desperate). This makes me mean. I then ask what he wants to do with the money.....get this...HE WANTS TO BUY A PAINTBALL GUN!!!! He does not play paintball, so what does he need one of those for? Seems I'm now aggressive for asking.
Now she will not hear my opinion, but I will be asked to go buy gardening supplies for this retarded nonsense. I'm an idiot and I do. I come back, find he's back at his mouthy miserable shit because he hates doing work so I leave because I'm getting furious. In the house the phone start to ring, I get there too late but I see it's his friend. I tell this to my wife and she calls him in to talk on the phone instead of doing his work. She then tells me I'm being rude by not bringing the phone to him. I'm a retarded moron and I bring him the phone peacefully. He then looks at the phone, mumbles something in a snotty tone and walks past me. Now I scream "Oh fuck this, just get a job!" Since then he's screaming and moaning that I have problems, tells his mother I was in his face with the phone (which is a lie and she saw that it wasn't true but took his side).
Then after she tells me off, I stand there stupefied that after years of this she's decided to take his side and she tells me that she's willing to sell the house and I can leave with our 2 kids, she'll take him, but she won't stand for him being treated like a "foster kid". I'm not good at arguing and I was too blown away by this to respond.
We have not spoken since then except for necessities. I've been sleeping on the couch for a week now, can't stand the thought of being in bed with her. I need to make a quick decision.
Should I take her offer? It's really tempting right now. I've gone through a lot of bad times for her and this is just a line I can't see myself recovering from. Too much is too much.
Really sorry about the loooooooooong post. I just need to vent.
First, welcome. You are
First, welcome. You are definitely not alone. I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish I could tell you to take it, I wish I could tell you to stay. In my heart I would say GET OUT ASAP...this crap never ends with these crazy people! If you have kids together, she is even worse to put this pathetic loser in front of her other kids.
I am in a crappy situation and the only thing stopping me is that I worked for 20yrs, supported this idiot and his pathetic daughter and now I have no job...but if I had one, and WHEN I find one, I'm not putting up with their crap anymore...I am out of here...
Just know that if she's like this now, when she should kiss your behind for being there for kids that aren't yours, she'll make your life HELL if you find someone new and have your kids with you...sigh...it never ends with these people.
But I wanted to let you know that I do understand how we get sick of it and how sometimes moving on is really what is best.
Thanks for your much needed
Thanks for your much needed second opinion. You are just saying what I've been trying to avoid telling myself. Ugh! I swear to God I do not like this at all.
Good luck at finding a job. I can only imagine going through this and being dependent on someone as well.
I would leave - it will never
I would leave - it will never change after 12 years - and this kid is only going to get worse and since he won't work he will be living with you forever - do you really want that - who owns the house - if it is jointly then tell you DW that you are leaving with your kids and that you will file for divorce and if you both own it you want to sell the house and have half - and then make sure she pays CS to your other children.
I also find it very telling that she told you to take her two children with her with you - does she not like them - also if you really act like you are going to leave and she has a change of heart - get her in counseling and find one that is not into child adoration - and try to work it out but if you can't then remember you have one life to live and you do not want to look back and see 30 years from now that your SS is still a lazy, non-working POS and is living with you and you and the wife are still fighting over the situation - life is too short. Good luck with this - my DH understands that if I don't come first I am gone - it took about 4 years of our marriage for him to get it but he does now and if it were not for my SS's lovely mother I would not be on this site at all.
Oh I forgot btw my SS17 refuses to get a job as well - must be an entitled child of divorce thing - drives me nuts but he is 700 miles away so I don't have to deal with the BS and my DH refused to help him get a car and will not pay for the insurance - we pay a nice amount in CS but I don't think our BM realizes the gravy train stops next June!!
Why does he live with you
Why does he live with you instead of his mom? Not your problem so get him out of there and put your foot down.
His mother and I are still
His mother and I are still married. Otherwise he would never be in my home.
This kid isn't a child of divorce, they were never married. I think it's a "chip on the shoulder, I'm the saddest boy so I get to be an asshole and cry to mommy for money" thing.
His real father disappeared as soon as wife stopped hounding him for child support. At the time I didn't care seeing as I had no interest in dealing with her ex. Now I wish he was around, that way he could have pulled off that "I wanna live with dad" bullshit and I would have a pre-packed bag ready for him to go.
I have to say I feel much better after ranting and reading other people's stories. Misery loves company I guess.
Forget how the SS is a total
Forget how the SS is a total jerk. I think teenagers in general can be jerks and find every reason to be selfish. I am not condoning his behavior at all. I remember my dad and brother arguing, the yelling and what have you. My dad loves my brother very much and my brother loves him. They did go through this and I know my dad felt he was at his wit's end. What my mom did though... she took a step back and let dad be... get this... a dad. There seems to be that awkward point when a boy will buck up to his dad. I really think he is at that point and rather then letting you re-establish boundaries and rope him in and set him straight - she is coddling him and that sucks for the boy. He won't learn to be self sufficient until he comes across a person who will stick it out with him tolerating his crap and setting him straight (I did that with my husband - his mom coddles too much and lacked stability and discipline).
You by no means are evil. You were just denied your right to be man of the house and father. I think most likely if she had let you be the dad he needed in a few years the boy and you would have a good relationship.
I think the fact that she would sacrifice a family, two kids and a marriage just to do what - continuing indulging an over-indulged teen boy - I think that is ridiculus and sad. Those two kids must feel so inadequate.
Good luck to you. Whether you give it a last go or leave. Just don't beat yourself up for trying.
Leave...pronto... just the
Leave...pronto... just the fact that she told you to take your two kids should show you where her priorities lay. You weren't one, and now apparently either are her other two children. The hardest thing you are going to have to do, (besides physically walking out the door, after you do that a weight will lift I promise) is going to be not saying anything negative about her or ss within earshot of the other kids.
You can do this, you can make it through to the other side. As parents we are human and there is nothing we wouldn't do for our kids, but sometimes there is a line we wouldn't cross for our spouse. Stay strong and have faith. You deserve some TLC too!
K.
wow. i dont know what to tell
wow. i dont know what to tell you to do be that kid needs some help it sounds like. I hope he is not talking bad about you in front of your kids! teenagers are always hard to deal with but you would think that after 12 years he would stop being so rude to you. I say do what you feel you need to do for you and your children. if she is willing to give yall up that easy then its pretty apparent that she didnt really want yall to begin with. sorry your going through this and hope it gets better for you.