Need some boundary help...what are yours?
Ok, so I think I need to set some boundaries with BM. She has issues with having to control all the communication between us and also under minding me as an SM, if not a human. She has spoken to me a few times, but only when SHE has information about my SD to pass onto me… if “I” have information…forget it…she wants no part of the conversation. She will literally blow me off! This goes for anything to do with the kids, family, friends… she has to be leading the conversation and informing me! Second, she likes to under mind me when she doesn’t have complete control making me feel very unimportant and worthless. Just recently I had to have a conversation with my SD on the phone when she was visiting her BM. BM was sitting next to her when SD and I had the conversation. SD had lied to me about taking care of her responsibilities. Her dad was in the field for work so SD’s failure to be responsible was falling back on me! I had a stern, yet respectful conversation with her about it... next thing you know BM is sending my DH a text asking what is going on. Really? Why are you asking my DH “what’s going on?”… how on earth would he know? Wouldn’t a logical person ask the parties involved in the conversation? This is what she does when she’s not confident she can control the communication. No way she’s going to talk with me and have me “tell her” what’s going on. We are only allowed to speak when she’s in complete control.
Truly, this doesn’t happen too often because we don’t have much verbal interaction at all. But anytime we do have verbal interaction this is the crap I deal with! UGH! I can’t help but feel like she’s setting all these boundaries, and I’m just letting her have her way. I let her contact me about whatever she wants… but she is not willing to do the same. So should I set a boundary myself by saying “hey, I want nothing more than for us to communicate with one another…for you to be heard and me as well. When you feel like you’re capable of speaking and LISTENING then I’ll be available. Until then, please don’t contact me…contact DH directly for all matters. Now, she does mostly contact DH, BUT there are times when DH is not available being in the military and it’s those times she’s going to be struggling. What do you think? Should I set this boundary? I’m really tired of feeling powerless.
What boundaries do you have for your BM’s or SM’s?
I think that you are correct
I think that you are correct in demanding mutual respect. If she can't respect you as a person and another adult, she doesn't need your help that badly. Let your husband deal with her. I tried dealing with my husband's BM and she was so nasty, I just let it go. When she ceased being able to manipulate the situation even by calling my husband, she started keeping my SS away. My husband and I have adjusted, and if SS ever returns it will be with court-ordered visitation, which will keep much of the drama down. If she can't be polite, you have no obligation to deal with her, or help with the child. Let your husband deal with it. In addition, when he is not there, consider not taking visitation, if she can't respect you as a parent, why should you shoulder the responsibility for her benefit?
I agree that you crossed a
I agree that you crossed a boundary by calling your sd at her home and givng her a stern lecture. Your bm is doing the proper thing by coparenting and discussing any concerns with your dh. If you want to talk to your sd about her responsibilities that is a conversation best held on your time. If she doesnt want to speak to you she doesnt have to-it sounds as if she wants to issue orders to you as if you are beneath her but does not want your input. If this is not a comfortable role for you (bm also used to like to try and issue me orders)then stop all communication with her. That's what I did. I could not make bm treat me respectfully so I just stopped letting her treat me anyway.
From Day One, DH handled any
From Day One, DH handled any and all communication with BM. BM does not have my cell number, or the house phone number. There was, and is, no reason for us to speak with each other. By the same token, I do not tell DH how to communicate with her. That is strictly his business.
It sounds like this person is
It sounds like this person is a control freak. In fact, it may be part of the reason why her marriage failed in the first place. I used to have an issue with communicating with the BM. Well, she had a problem dealing with me, but once we were forced to talk to each other and she heard what I had to say. She developed a respect for me and we are now friends. I know it sounds crazy, almost impossible to imagine being friends with the ex-wife, but it can happen and it's for the better of the children involved.
See here's the problem. This woman like any other mother feels dreadful that she has to share her children with another woman in a motherly role. You see the part that really sucks about being a SM is you grow to love the children in your home, it's natural, they are your family, but those children will never love you like you love them. Two reasons, one they just can't. I'm a "former" step child myself, so I am speaking from experience. Don't get me wrong I care for my step parents and do love them in away, but it's not the same love I have for my parents. I can't explain it any other way. Two, BM feels threatened by another motherly figure in the child's life, so I'm sure BM shares her deepest opinion of you with the child.
Anyway, now that I've rambled into to nowhere...let's get back to what you can do. This is how I survived four-years of uncomfortable glares and NO interaction with the BM. When my SD would want me to fix her hair I say "sure, but I'm not going to be able to fix it as nice as mommy would. Are you okay with that?" She would smile big and give me the yes nod. Or when the SD was leaving to go back to BM I'd be sure to tell her to be extra good for mommy. There were many times where my SD and I would be doing something like cooking for example and she would say mommy makes this all of the time, it's one of my favorites. There again I would gladly take a backseat in saying, "well I doubt mine is going to be as good as mommy makes, but we're sure gonna try." Oh, and trust me....the last thing I wanted to do was say something nice about this woman. She was horrible to say the least. She accused me of cheating with her husband, told everyone she could that we had an affair behind her back. Her behavior was just absurd. It was no easy task saying these nice little comments, but it did help build the foundation for later. When the moment was right I thanked the BM for sharing her children's time with me. I explained that being a mother myself I couldn't imagine sharing my children with another person like she has. She said it was by far the hardest thing she had ever done and she thanked me for loving them and looking out for them while they were away from her. I told her how I felt and where I stood and she respected me more after that conversation I promise you that. I told her I've never wanted to, nor have I ever tried to be their mother. I explained that I loved them deeply, but I was only their SM, another loving parent figure in the home. Once she realized that I wasn't brainwashing her children or trying to steal they're love away from her, she was truly a different person. My suggestion to you is be the bigger person. Reach out to the BM and see if you can't try to appeal to that side of her. Because it's been my experience if a mother feels threatened in any way, she will act out. Doesn't matter if her feelings are based on nothing, a woman's mind is a dangerous place sometimes and we tend to think the worst.
Also, remember this, it's a good rule of thumb, never let the SD hear your bashing the BM. BM is doing enough damage bashing you don't partake in that. The child will remember mom always talked bad about her SM, but she's never hears you say an unkind word about the mom. My SD has many times came to me and said "mommy was mean, she did this or said that today." I look at her each time and say, you know what, mommy might have had a bad day and I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt your feelings, she loves you more than anything. I know it sound like a kiss ass, but it works. It did for me anyway.
Sorry, to ramble on and on. I certainly hope this helps in some way.
still-hopeful I really like
still-hopeful I really like your attitude. I recently posted separately -- I'm a BM and a SM and my daughter has a SM and has for about 7 years. I made a point of never bad mouthing the SM to my daughter, or allowing my daughter to bad mouth SM to me. I told her she was not allowed to. I told her that if SM was being abusive that I would be glad to listen, but if she just wanted to bad mouth her I would not allow her to do that becuase it it hard enough to be a step mom.
I'll admit it was hard to watch the SM hug and kiss my daughter goodbye and tell her "I love you" -- and it made my stomach cringe because it did make me jealous, but I would never let on to my daughter those things because I wanted her to have a good relationship with her SM.
For several years my daughter did have a good relationship, but I'm not sure what happened. I know the relationship with my ex is deteriorating, and therefore relationship with my daugther is also deteriorating. So that makes me sad for my daughter because SM is taking her anger out on my daughter also, but my daughter is 17 and a big girl and thankfully has a good relationship with both me and my husband, so she is a strong girl and will pull through it, but it still makes me sad. SM called me crazy (long story) and my daughter heard about it -- obviously I'm sure that didn't go over well. Even then I did not bad mouth her to my daughter. I was angry over it, but just told my ex to tell her to leave me alone so that I could stay out of their drama. Frustrating.
Sounds like you are a
Sounds like you are a wonderful stepmom
I to have taken this higher road you talk about. I have NEVER talked bad about the BM in front of or to to my SD. SD is now 17 and old enough where she is starting to see BM's lack of committment to raising SD and making her a priority. BUT, when she does say something to me I've always done what you do Still_Hopeful and that is give a pleasant reason (what sometimes feels like an excuse for porr choices) to my SD. Example... SD was talking to me about her visit to her moms house, how there relationship seemed to be improving some, and as SD is talking I'm noding my head in approval and saying little things like "great!", "glad to hear it" "good, things are looking up"... then she remarks that there are times where she still feels like her mom (BM) is acting more like a teenager than a 40 yr old mother. Ok, what I'm really thinking is SD nailed it right on the head and BM IS acting this way... but what I say is "I know it can still hurt sometimes. Try to remember that your mom's relationship with her boyfriend is new. She's probably experiencing all the excitment and butterflies a person gets, just like when you and your boyfriend 1st got together. She loves you, and if there are things that bother you ask her if you guys can have some time to yourselves and talk. Let her know how you feel and give her a chance to respond". Something like this usually makes her feel better. There have been SO MANY times I've sat with my SD while she sobbed about her relationship with her mom... it would make no sense for me to encourgae her to hate her mom... SD NEEDS that relationship to become and well rounded woman... plus, it's just the right thing to do.
I do know that BM and BD are
I do know that BM and BD are the parents... although it may not be in your home, I do have a small role in "co-parenting" in my home. It has to be that way with my husbands job. I did not call my SD and give her a nasty lecture. It was civil conversation... there was no yelling, or brow beating. I DO NOT agree that I over stepped any boundaries by making the phone call. I know this is hard to see with not knowing the whole story, but it is the truth. We do not have a rule between our 2 households that we cannot contact the child while at the other parents house. BM calls when SD is with me and DH, and DH or I call SD when she is with BM. I do not look at her visiting her BM as she is "off limits", and I'm sorry, but if SD lies to me (or even her BD) she is going to hear about it and so is BM so she can also tell SD that lying is not acceptable. My SD is 17 yrs old... old enough to know better! If you do not let a child know that BD, BM, AND SM are on the same page as far as what behavior they expect from the child, then the child will divide and conquer the parents. It would be like telling her it's ok to lie to your SM and BD and then run and hide at BM's for a fun filled weekend, or visa versa. Ain't gonna happen. BM was not upset by the conversation, she just wanted to know what it was about...understandably.
I didn't say she "likes" the
I didn't say she "likes" the fact that I'm involved.. she never has for many of her own personal reasons, and many insecurities. In the very beginning when my DH and I were just dating she actually did talk to me...we talked a few times on yahoo chat, helped each other send Christmas gifts for the kids...she even asked me to help with my SD. Then when my DH came home from his deployment, we bought a house, and SD moved in with us. Shortly after that she just stopped talking to me without any warning. I didn't even call her out on it... just left it alone. She then told DH that she couldn't stand to see us so happy and from there she just made me her enemy. So, no she doesn't like my involvement... she probably didn't like the fact that the phone call came from "me", but she understood the "reason" why. BM doesn't want to talk to me...ok... but as an adult, with a teenager living in MY home 95% of the time, who has a mom who "chooses" NOT to parent 80% of time because she's so wrapped up in her own life... that can't just be ignored. My DH is a 1st Sgt in the US ARMY...he doesn't get to pick when and where his job will take him... the government sets his work hours, where he goes and when. SO YES, because I love my husband, and care about my SD...I AM GOING TO CO-PARENT... it would just be wrong not to! My husband deserves to know that his daughter is being taken care of... my SD deserves to live a normal life! This whole blended family is not about BM and what she "likes"... it's about what “right”. In this instant my DH wasn't around (he was in the field for a week)... it was ME and BM who he handed over the parenting responsibilities to. I drove 1 1/2 hrs to the city to meet BM half way to get SD home so she could go to cheer camp... oh wait, that's right, BM texted me that day asking if I would meet her earlier in the morning... when I said I had plans for the morning already (after giving her the choice to pick the time in the 1st place) she got bent out of shape... so instead she recruits my older SS to drive SD to the city so she can go to the same lake she goes to EVERY WEEKEND with her boyfriend and friends... so forgive me if I'm not empathetic about BM not liking my "involvement". The problem here is not that I'm "to involved"... the problem here is that BM is not involved enough, but yet pissy and controlling over what little involvement she decides to take part in. I could go on and on about all the crap she “doesn’t” do, but then doesn’t want anyone else to do it either. So to clarify… yes, BM prefers to control and under mind me because no BM doesn’t “like” what involvement I do have, but that doesn’t mean I’m stepping over the line… I’m not taking anything away from her… I’m only stepping in for my DH when it’s necessary because it is the right thing to do!
No reason to ever speak to
No reason to ever speak to the bm imho. in 8 years i've never had a conversation with skids mom, have only seen her twice.
I talk to my kids stepmom, we plan holidays and make sure we're not both making ham for Christmas etc. we discuss gifts for kids so we don't get them the same thing and make sure we take care of xdh for bday and fathers day. well, now that the kids are all older we don't do the last. I've watched their dog, they offered to keep steppup. i've never had a disagreement with my kids sm at all.
skids bm on the other hand is a looneytunes mooch cheap ass selfish bitch. Her, I hate. And I love to get her riled up and then listen to dh phone start going off. bling bling bling 17 text messages later she's still not done. i especially love it when dh ignores his phonne to snuggle with me!
Wow! There are so many
Wow! There are so many different opinions to take in and consideration. Thank you all for sharing your thoughts! After reading them all I do feel as if maybe I didn’t do a good job of getting my point across. This is the hard part about "writing" instead of actual verbal communication. What you write can be taken many different ways.
Let me put it this way… BM told my DH a long time ago she will not talk to me. So, I leave her alone. I do not attempt to communicate with her at all! I leave that up to my DH. Moments will arise where she needs or wants something and when DH is not available as quickly as she needs him to be she will call my phone. I graciously except the call, and help. Then, after all is said and done we are back to she doesn’t want to speak with me. We will be at a event for SD and she will start a conversation with me about SD or anything really, and seem perfectly comfortable leading the conversation. But, if I were to walk up to her and try to do the same she would snub me. This feels like a controlling behavior to me…I want what I want when I want it. She knows I am open to communication, so she just uses me to her advantage… I don’t like it. As far as her going to my DH about me, instead of coming to the source … still doesn’t make a lick of sense to me other than again, it’s her controlling the situation… but I guess if I cease communication with her period, then this problem will be resolved also.
Thanks for all your input
I would ignore her than. If
I would ignore her than. If she needs somehting she can talk to your dh and if he is not available at the time too bad! If you are at an event and she starts talking to you ignore her. If that is the game she wants to play then so be it! She just wants you at her beck n call and nothing more. Stop giving it to her. take yourself out of the situation. your sd is 17 plenty old enough to handle her own. Meaning that mom can also ask her DAUGHTER!