need advise
Hi- I am new here and just found this site. I read several conversations and it is so nice to hear so many others with the same feelings I have. I have been married for 4 years and have 3 Skids. I also have a son of my own. Lately I have so many negative feelings when it comes to my skids. There are several factors that play into my situation- One is we have a 2 weeks on and 2 weeks off schedule with not only my skids but also my DH. He works away from home for 2 weeks at a time and so its 2 weeks of just me and my son (so nice!!) Then 2 weeks where everyone is home. Its gotten to where I just cant stand the time when everyone is there! The 3 step kids are so disrespectful and just constantly causing chaos! the fighting and bickering and tattling and attitudes every 5 min. I am so sick of listening to it. There are ounishments for bad behavior but its short lived after its said and done and they are right back at it! If they are not fighting and tattling then they are running around crazy and screaming or being the worlds most picky eaters! One of my skids (11yo SS) is the worst of them all. He is so obnoxious and annoying- its gotten to where every thing he does grates on my nerves.
I thought after a few years that I would naturally love and mother these kids but sometimes I dont even like them. I dont know that I will ever love them. Another thing is we have them half the month and still have to pay their mother a ungodly amount of child support that she spends on herself!! And she sends them over knowing full well we will get them what they need. School supplies, snow gear, haircuts, ect. Im sick of hemorraging money to her and on top of it still having to drop tons of money on them.
I feel like they have no rules what so ever at their moms house and the going back and forth is harder on them but they KNOW the rules at our house, yet it takes the whole 2 weeks to get them to start acting right then its right back to their mothers for a free for all!
They half ass chores, have no hygene without being told constantly to brush their teeth, wash their hands ect. And on top of it the 11 year old still wets the damn bed everynight. So we pay for pull ups for him and he is embarrassed about it yet- still does nothing to make his problem descreet. Putting his wet piss diaper in the bathroom trash, throwing his piss blankets on the floor till we make him wash them! Hes also the one with the most problems. ODD and ADHD. He has a temper problem and cant sit still. He thinks hes funny when hes acting like a 6 year old and has no table manners.
I dont know what to do!!! Do I feel worse because half of my life I live in a nice clean house with my son and its quiet and fun? How do I take control of my life?!!?
What are you getting out of
What are you getting out of this marriage? This sounds awful. You never even get alone time with your husband, or even just time with him and your son.
I don't know if I would last in your situation. If DH wanted to hang on to me, he'd have to cut down his visitation time or find a local job that allowed for week on/week off, which he probably doesn't want to do.
Hi - thanks for the reply.
Hi - thanks for the reply. They leave 3 days before he goes back so I guess we have 3 days together. I love my husband and he is so good to me and my son. He really is my best friend.
We actually have plans to move out of state this year and put in to have the 3 skids for summers. I think that this will make my life so much better. I feel like it is harder on the kids going back and forth and constantly having different rules. I just hope that when we are out of state and have them 3 months strait that I can handle the 2 weeks being a single parent to all of them.
Only summers?
When dad has them 50/50 as of now? The typical long distance schedule is several weeks in summer, Spring Break and then every other holiday (Christmas and Thanksgiving plus some long weekends). I would think your DH would want to see his kids more than once per year and it would be better for the kids for him to have them more often.
He will be seeing them more
He will be seeing them more often as he will still be working in this state and can see them when he is flying back and forth. he can come early or stay a weekend each time he comes and goes. They just wont be coming to our new home during the school year.
No, that doesn't sound good
No, that doesn't sound good either! I'd have to request that DH takes 2 weeks off in the summer, spends a month at home with the skids, and then back they go. And if they come on other breaks, he's there for them.
3 feral skids on your own is just not fair. I'm going to assume he has a lucrative job, or a job with a commitment that he can't get out of easily, but no way I'd spend 2 weeks watching someone else's kids. Not for love or money. (Maybe for money but not for love
).
Sorry You're Going Through This
I don't really have any advice, but I just wanted to let you know that OMG I LOVE IT when it's just me and my son. I wish it was like that ALL THE DAMN TIME. I know how you feel.
I do agree that it's not helpful for the skids to go back and forth between households. I have my SS10 EOW and I feel like he is lethargic with his life because there is no consistency for him. He also half-asses everything but I feel like it's because in our home, he's expected to be responsible for himself and be a productive member of the household, and then he's back at his bio-mom's where he's waited on hand and foot. He has to be told what to do, step by step, and God forbid he gets distracted and then we have to start over from where ever point he got distracted. It's gotten better with age but he's far behind from most of his peers.
My only suggestion, which is what I'm also working on, is just turning the other cheek to their awful habits and manners. I know it grates on the nerves to do so, but you are literally only parenting 50% of the time. That's a huge chunk of their lives where they are not being influenced by you and your husband. Focus on raising your son and just be there for your skids as much as you desire (which can totally be ABSOLUTE ZERO). Good luck and keep us updated!
chores
LOL YEEES! That what I deal with. I dont think they do any chores at their moms and we have to do the step by step and point out everything. I feel like just doing it myself at that point.
Its just so nice to come here and say what I feel to people who understand!!!
ugh.. those years almost
ugh.. those years almost broke me. New baby, f'ed up skids. How to have a peaceful life with mayhem running around. What I did was many many outings with my bio. Which actually turned out to be great. Now we call each other Adventure Buddies. Skids would sleep in as older kids do.. and since their bio parents did not limit their laptop, phone or tv.. so they stay up super late. So as people were getting up, bio and I were heading out. The tough time was like 4pm until after dinner. Once dinner was done I was upstairs with bio to do bedtime wind down time and a niiiiiice long bath, stories etc. So really it was a few hours a day I had to try managage my resentment. But.. we had every other weekend not 2 weeks (good god!!).
If you want to stay with your DH.. the option is to busy yourself with bio. Mommy and me classes. Long bed routines in your room where you can close the door. Tell DH if you aren't here, the skids need to be with their Mom. I can not agree to watching them on my own. I can't handle it, sorry.
Other option is have 2 homes. Which I seriously considered. I even told DH.. I'm moving close to my job.. hope you come with me. You can get a cheap apartment near skids for visitiation. I mean it. I was at the end of my rope. It was that or divorce in my mind. Ultimately.. as the skids got older, they disappeared to their rooms to stay glued to their laptops. I had a strict rule about no TV or gadgets in the main living space. Even for myself and SO. Because I read early exposure to gadgets was not good for development for age 2 and younger. So I stuck to my guns about that, and by the time 2 years was up the house was used to the TV not being on. Which was a feat in itself because they were "we are up, TV is on" people before that. Now we play music in the house all day and do movie family time after dinner. We talk more, get outside more, play and have family time more. While my SS14 grumbles sometimes about detaching his gadget from his face.. when I say nothing he does seek us out to come hang with us. He always joins DS and I outside for our activities. So I feel good in a way that I got him to see the natural light of the sun and not just the blue light of his gadget.
Not sure if this helped. But it is the story of how I got through what you are going through. Be busy, but busy fun. Disengage from the skids.
All else fails.. move out. Tell DH, you need your own place with DS because the skids are too jarring on you. Your heart can't take the huge life upset of peace.. to mayhem. And you need to keep yourself in a good head space to be a good Mom for DS. Maybe just that talk would inspire DH to try settle the skid behavior?