Need advice from someone who's been here
I have a 3 year old son with my fiancé (he’s my bio son). I met my fiancé about 4 years ago. My fiancé had two daughters at the time (one bio with a previous ex, and another daughter who is not his biologically, but his ex’s with another man). My problem stems from the fact that when I found out that I was pregnant with my son, this sent the girl’s mom into a fit of rage, and because my fiancé has no legal ties to his stepdaughter the mom prevented his stepdaughter from coming to visit. This went on for 2 years until the mom finally decided to let her daughter start coming again. I guess my issue is that maybe I got too comfortable with not having his step daughter come and I got too used to it, which I see now was an error on my part. The other problem is that the last time I saw her, she was 13 years old. She is now 15 years old and a teenager to say the least. When my stepdaughter came back, she wasn’t the same person, but more like her mother who is a very trashy person. The girl’s mother is the kind of woman that I purposely stay away from because she’s deceiving, and likes to play the victim, and is constantly leaving her daughters at home alone to go out and party, just to name some of the things she does. Needless to say, I am having a very hard time dealing with this, as when my stepdaughter comes, all I see is the mother and I become furious inside, that rather than talking to my stepdaughter I clam up, and I let my emotions show through my face. I know it’s not fair to her and I know it can’t be a pleasant experience for her either.
My fiancé and I recently found out that our stepdaughter has lost her virginity at the age of 15. Not only was this bad enough, but my fiancé had to find out by chance when my stepdaughter told a lie she couldn’t keep up with. This has sent me over the top and her mom and my fiancé have agreed to put her on birth control pills which is not something I would ever think of letting my daughter do, that’s not how I was raised. This of course is normal for mom as mom was pregnant at age 16. My fiancé keeps telling me that she’s a teenager, and acts like this is normal behavior and says it’s me, but I have to disagree with this behavior. I feel like the odd man out.
The other issue is that my stepdaughter’s own father has been out of the picture for 15 years which is basically her entire life as he has been in prison. He recently got out of prison and is still not fully involved in his daughter’s life. He’s allowed supervised visits with her, which I totally see. Sometimes I feel like just telling my fiancé to let her go and have her parents finally take some responsibility.
Can someone please offer some advice? I don’t feel comfortable letting this girl into my house, but I also feel that I have no say as my fiancé has made me feel like I’m the bad guy and that I’m the only one with the problem. I don’t even feel like this is my home anymore because of the uncomfortableness, but I have to give her credit-she’s not rude or impolite, and has never been disrespectful to me. I just feel like if I let her into our home, that I’m pushing my feelings aside to please my fiancé, and also I feel like she’s going to let my fiancé down. I don’t want her to use and abuse him, which is what the mother has done to him.
Given the family history of losing their virginity at an early age, I worry that she is going to get pregnant at a young age and in my mind I’m preparing for the worst which would be that she ends up living with us. I just can’t fathom the idea, but given the way things are going, it may be a reality sooner rather than later. The worst thing is that I am able to tolerate my fiance’s biodaughter so much more than our stepdaughter. Can someone please offer any thought or advise. I’m trying really hard to work my feelings and frustrations out.
No words of wisdom, and I
No words of wisdom, and I hope this poster doesn't mind me saying this... but you should really read ghostwhocooksdinner's blogs and reach out to her. Her situation isn't identical but it seems like there are some similarities.
Thank you so much for taking
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my post, in a time which is really difficult for me. I am a new user on here, and don't know how to read her blogs. Do I have to friend her to be able to read her blogs? Thanks again.
If you want to see a user's
If you want to see a user's previous blogs you click on their name and it will take you to bio page, towards the bottom there is a link that says "view recent blog entries"
Make her get the Depo. It is
Make her get the Depo. It is a shot, last 6 months. They forget to take the pill. Believe me, the last thing you want is a knocked up teenager. :O
Not even. Make her get the
Not even. Make her get the Nexplanon! Good for 3 years! Thanks to Nexplanon, my first child (who is 17) won't make me a grandma before I'm 40.
I think it's incredible that
I think it's incredible that your fiance took his responsibility of being a stepdad so seriously and continued to be a dad to this girl even after calling it quits with her mom. For that he should be commended. I think you need to look at her as his child, and not his former step daughter, even though that's what she is, because she is obviously important enough to him to treat her as his own. Celebrate the fact that you are marrying a stand-up kind of guy and try to find a way to accept her as part of your family. You said she's not rude, impolite or disrespectful to you....that's HUGE! Teenagers are a difficult breed and they make mistakes. LOTS of them. I know this mistake of having sex is terrifying to you, but it is all too common with today's teenagers. I know this from my own experience with my bio-teens. I don't provide birth control for my son either, as I feel it sends a condoning message, but I have encouraged the use of birth control if he is going to insist upon acting on the choice to have sex. It's hard to go through finding out that we can't control our kids anymore when they get to be teenagers, but we can still have an influence on them. Be a positive influence on your fiance's step daughter...it might be the defining factor that helps her to avoid making her mother's same bad choices.
The mother of the 18 yr old
The mother of the 18 yr old girl that is now allegedly having a baby from my 16 yr old son said the EXACT same words. That she didn't put her daughter on BC because she thought it would give her daughter the green light to have sex.
Newsflash - they ARE having sex, why not prevent the problem instead of crying about it later?
I agree about the OPs DH being commended on loving his stepdaughter from a previous marriage.
let me clarify for a
let me clarify for a moment....even though I don't supply condoms for my 18 year old son (who has a job and can pay for his own condoms), the story would be different if I found out my 15 year old daughter was having sex. I think there is a way for you to express your complete disapproval of her having sex while still protecting her from getting pregnant. I think it's also different when a teen is "considering" having sex than "already having" sex. Since you know she's already having sex, I think it's best to get her on birth control so that she doesn't end up pregnant, complicating her life and your life as well. Just be very clear with her that you'd prefer she were abstinent, but since she made the poor choice not to wait, her poor choice is forcing you to put her on birth control. Make her understand that she is responsible for the outcome.
Absolutely birth control.
Absolutely birth control. Recommend the long term one like Depo to your husband to send back to his ex-wife. She IS having sex - right now they're playing the "pull out" method of birth control (hahahahaha) ask millions of Catholics about how that works or using condoms if they've got the money. Or the "rhythm" method (see Catholic comment above).
I'm surprised that the kid even wants to visit - almost very kid that age would prefer to be with their friends especially "the one". I'm with others who, since she's otherwise well behaved, advise you to "put up" with it and wash that look off your face. Supporting your husband in what he wants to do is part of married life I hope he's doing the same for you. Put the visiting kids to work at easing some of your chores. Not slave labor - they're only there two days right - but they can dry and fold the clothes or whatever. Maybe an hours work in all for each of them - earn their way so to speak.
Honestly, I would have to say
Honestly, I would have to say " give the girl a chance". Maybe your fiancé and you are the only decent role models that she has. As far as the birth control, don't be so shocked. I used to feel the same way thinking that teenagers are having sex and need birth control. It beats her closing several doors on her life to take on the responsibility of being a parent. And I think it's fabulous that she is not rude or nasty to you like the now 20 y.o. "thing" my boyfriend has. You actually have a chance to be a positive role model to her.
Parents who do not set very
Parents who do not set very firm rules on responsible sexual behavior become grandparents very young.
My parents put my younger brothers and I though the boys growing up bootcamp for years. We knew how things worked and what the risks were of unprotected sex.
We all dodged the young baby daddy bullet.
My DW was a 16yo single teen mom. Unfortunately my ILs abdicated their role as responsible parents with the bullshit of "they are teens and are going to do what they will do". So, 3 out of their 4 children had out of wedlock pregnancies in their teens or very early 20s.
Sadly my DW is the only spawn of my ILs who made a decent life for herself. She is a graduate degreed CPA while her sibs are all aggriculture laborers or cashiers who rely on tax payer handouts to feed themselves and their children.
My ILs all blame my SS's Sperm Idiot for my DWs teen pregnancy and absolutely fail to recognize that the repeat behavior of their children point very directly at the failures of their crappy parenting.
If she gets pregnant, it will
If she gets pregnant, it will be harder to get rid of her. And you will be stuck helping to raise the baby. Sad but true.