Need advice --Guilt over bio daughter making it hard for my stepkids
I'm a remarried dad with a 12 year old daughter from my first marriage who lives with her Mom; she's with us every Saturday. Her Mom and i divorced when she was 7. My second wife, a wonderful, patient woman, has two kids, a boy and a girl, 13 and 9. For the most part the kids get along pretty well, and there are no major issues there. My relationship with my daughter is very good as well; she knows im there and inlove her, shes a confident, happy kid.
The problem is me.
My wife recently pointed out to me -- in the kindest way possible -- that I exclude myself from family activities unless my biological daughter is with us. That my unspoken rule seems to be that we can't be a family until Saturday when she's with us. And it's true. I don't do anything individually with my stepkids. No going out and doing things together. And the reason is this:I have never ending, tremendous, tremendous guilt that I am in some way betraying my daughter by doing things with them. Something as simple as helping them with homework is enough to send my guilt spiraling out of control.
I love these two kids. They're good kids, and in my heart they are like my own. We get along very well and they both look up to me, especially since their biological father is the classic abusive narcissist. Long, long story.
But despite how i feel about them, I have held myself back from getting close. From taking my stepson fishing, or to a football game together. Or going out with my stepdaughter. Or doing anything where it's just them, my wife and me. The only time I suggest we go somewhere and do something is when my daughter is with us, on Saturdays. So again, I am putting life on hold, only allowing us to be a family when she's there.
This isn't good for any number of reasons. It hurts me, it hurts my wife and although they don't show it I am sure it hurts them. They have to see that I only get involved when my daughter's around.
I have to do something about this, I have to stop it. Have to let go of guilt, forgive myself, whatever...but I have no idea where to start and am in desperate need of advice. If any of you have similar situations or have found ways to overcome, please tell me what worked for you or what's in the process of working. I'm sick to my stomach about this. Gratitude in advance for any wisdom gained you can share.
Awesome post!
Awesome post!
My situation is a lil
My situation is a lil different, I used to feel this way with my own kids, my DD lives with her dad (b/c of school) so I have her EOW. At first I wouldn't do anything fun with my boys, I would wait until we had DD in the w/e, I also used to get upset if my brother wanted to pick my boys up and take them out for a fun day, I felt guilty that we were 'betraying' my DD and playing happy families w/o her.
She (@ 10yo) told me to get over it! That it was fine if I took the boys bowling or out for dinner w/o her b/c she does a lot of that stuff with her dad. That was a huge eye opener for me, it made me realize that I had put my life on hold when she wasn't with me but she was still living her life and having a whole lotta fun!
I still save a lot of the 'big fun stuff' for when she is here but I managed to get over the guilt and I no longer put my sons lives on hold til DD is here.
So for me, b/c my sons are my bio's, obviously it was a lot easier for me to change my perspective. Maybe if you write on a calendar the activity you'll be doing on the Saturday with your DD it will give you the reassurance during the week that you are NOT leaving her out and start with small things with your SK's
Just like my husband. I even
Just like my husband. I even posted about it. Hope you can do something about that, because it's very hurtful in my family.
He is in standby mode until every second weekend when his son comes. Make us (my bio son and our son together) feel like he is not valuing us, try to save the gas, time, and his smiles for every other weekend.
Me and kids needs to enjoy life every day, not just when SS is with us. It's just not fair.
Just think about if you would be love to be treated the same way.
You are loosing opportunity to love, be loved and appreciated by other people than your daughter. You are not cheating on your daughter if you are happy without her.
Agree, let go of the guilt.
Agree, let go of the guilt. Maybe try something quantifiable, like trying one event each wk with each step kid (or one with both together without bio). Ease in slowly and see how it goes. I think stepdads generally have a lot more potential of having a positive reciprocal relationship. You could really bless these kids.
Thank you all so much for the
Thank you all so much for the thoughtful replies. This perspective is what I needed. Let me ask you all another question:
Should I sit down with my two step kids and explain/apologize? I am feeling like I owe them an explanation, and I want them to know that the way things have been are all me, not them. That despite my actions i care about them deeply. That they deserve more and that I am going to try harder. Maybe encourage them to ask me to do things, to give me a little nudge.
Thoughts?
I think explaining things
I think explaining things would probably help. I'm sure they've sensed it and it would be a relief to know it's your guilt, not them, that is the reason.
No, you may never feel the same about them compared to bios. Still, your love and influence can be pivotal in their lives.
Perhaps you could just ask them to pick one activity that they would like to do with you together (e.g. martial arts). I'm sure practicing a sport would be a really helpful and meaningful to them.
If you have a hard time thinking of things, you may just want to pick a time on the calender every (or every other) wk (kids rotate) and say that's kid's choice night. You and he or she get to go out and they can pick whatever they want to do (with a $ limit of course). I'm sure this would build a lot of good memories.
One of the hardest things with kids is feeling like you never know how long things will take. I learned a good trick with my son (kindergarten) who wants to play all the time is to set a timer for 15-30 min of play or so. Otherwise I feel like I am trapped. Maybe the once a wk date night will help you to feel like this is doable in your time schedule. Other than that going out and throwing the ball or taking a nightly walk (15 min) as a family would do wonders.
I think it's really insightful that you recognized all this. I hope and pray it goes well for you.
God bless you and your
God bless you and your family. The fact that you're here seeking answers is rly admirable! Don't give up!