My Mom Made It Look Easy
Man I must say my mom made having and caring for a blended family look easy. I was raised in a family of blended families. My mom was married to my SD, my Dad was married to my SM; my maternal GM was married to my mom's SD, so on and so on. Literally generations of blended families. It seemed like the norm back then. I grew up with step siblings and step parents and for me it was not a horrible thing. Sure there were some times where things were hard or chaotic, but I thought families were just like that sometimes. My SO was raised by his Dad and SM too so he is not new to blended families either. From our experiences growing up, blended families were not a problem. With that said, apparently being the offspring of a blended family is not the same as running one and it has become quite discouraging for me.
Hey all, I (37 F) and my SO (34 M) have been living together for almost 3 years now. He has 2 kids (M12, M10) and I have 3 kids (F18, F15, F8) and together we do our best, but let me tell you most days our best feels like failure.
We have gotten pretty good at communicating (not fighting) about our stances on certain things as it pertains to our kids and different parenting styles and disagreeing items. His oldest son (M12) considers me his mom and he and I have built a pretty good relationship. My youngest (F8) and my SO have also built a similar relationship, but when it comes to the rest of the kids, it is still a work in progress. My So and my oldest (F18) had a great relationship after year one (honeymoon period) and they talked all the time and she went to him for everything and even would confide in him things she would not in me. It was really a nice thing to watch, however recently my SO has had some very strong feelings about my 18 year old that has me very frustrated and I am not sure how to work it out.
My 18 year old is, for the most part, very responsible. She has carried a full time job for almost 2 years, she has enrolled in college starting in Fall 2024 where she will stay on campus in dorm housing, she has a vehicle that she pays her own insurance on, etc. I have to admit I did a pretty good as a single mom raising her. However, she is 18 adn is testing her limits. She wants freedom and respect and wants to do her own things all while living under my roof. This has caused a problem with me and my SO. His oldest is 12 so he does not have a whole lot of experience with teenagers yet and he is losing his mind over me allowing my 18 year to come and go as she pleases minded that she follow some simple rules. These rules are ones that her and I agreed to in writing with a negotiation clause.
- She has a chore that has to be done daily. If it does not get done by 5pm on day 2 then I will do it and she owes me $20 of her own money.
- She has a 1am curfew on the nights that she is not staying somewhere else for the night.
- She is responsible for caring for her two cats 100%. Buying food, feeding them, cleaning up after them, etc.
- She is to tell my SO or I if she plans to leave the house to go somewhere that is not work and her GPS is to stay on at all times (I pay for her phone).
- She is not to use the younger kids to do her bidding.
- She is to pay for her own car and medical insurance. She is on my plan for both, but she pays her portion to me directly.
- She is not allowed to have uninvited guests at the house ever and is to ask permission to have anyone at the house no matter for how long.
- She is to communicate if she is going to stay the night somewhere at least 2 days before the first night. I do not track her on this, I take her word for it.
- She has to cook dinner for the family a minimum of twice a month on her dime. Since I do not charge her food monies, this makes up for that.
These are the rules. The rules if not abided by have consequences such as taking her phone, grounding her to the house, or extra chores. The option is available for her to be asked to leave, but honestly I cannot justify kicking my daughter out on the street for not remembering to clean the cat box. Anyhow, recently she got into a relationship. She has been spending a lot of time staying the night at her boyfriend's house. She literally comes home to eat, do laundry, and get ready for work; that is pretty much it. On top of that she has not been abiding by the rules as far as informing us of her leaving the house or she will text me after I am in bed to tell me she won't be home by curfew (I think the timing is intentional). She has been half-a**ing her chore and has been neglecting her cats. We are like trains passing in the night except on the days she cooks dinner. We hardly talk about anything anymore, we do not do stuff together anymore and she spends maybe 3% of her time with the family.
So now my SO is getting upset with my 18 year old because he feels she is taking up an entire room that we could migrate my 15 year old into so she can have her own space (all four other kids share rooms; 2 boys in one room 2 girls in the other). He also feels she is taking advantage of the situation. She has not been following through on the rules and I have not been enforcing them because honestly can does one go about disciplining an adult? It took me almost a year to stop looking at her like a little girl and now my SO wants me to treat her like an adult that is not following the rules of the lease and kick her out.
He keeps making comments like "She should just go live with her boyfriend since she is there everyday anyway" or "She is never home so what would it matter if her stuff is here" or "You wasted your time and breath having this contract, it is pointless since neither of you are adhering to it". I just cannot find it in my heart to ask her to move out to live with a guy she has been dating for only a month and a half. This whole thing has my SO and I at odds because even though she is 18, she is my baby. My first born. The one kid that influenced me to want to be a mom. I just fear if I do not do something soon that my relationship is going to end and I really don't want that.
I know that I am part to blame but at the same time I feel that he cannot ask me to kick my kid out. She is going to move out in September, but he does not want me to wait that long. Any advice would be awesome because this blended families thing is hard enough without the added tension of an adult child still in the home. I would ask my mom but she is grandma mode and doe snot want to get involved, figures *eye roll*.
Your partner has many valid
Your partner has many valid points. You made a contract with her but don't seem to want to enforce it. So what is the point? Why wouldn't others be able to use the room if she's not ever home? Also what kind of example is it setting for the younger kids if you make rules for the older kid and they don't have to follow it?
Accurate
You are completely right. What kind of example am I allowing her to set for the other kids when she is getting away with breaking rules.
I’m with your SO
People coming and going at all hours, using your home and tying up a much needed room does not sound like a way to endear oneself. She is an adult, but your other children are not. If she wants to live wild and free, she needs an apartment. Not to move in with someone she barely knows!
If she is truly a responsible adult she can balance sleep at home alone, work, family relationships a boyfriend and courtesy. Letting you know when she going to be home. Or if rarely home, she starts to share a room and the 15 yo gets her own room.
You shouldn't need to kick her out, she's leaving in September. But she's setting the example for the next kids. Trust me, when one of the kids who you don't hold in your soft spot of first born baby starts pulling this nonsense, you're going to be glad to be able to say you set limits and are just treating everyone equally!
Very Interesting Take
The thought never even occurred to me to move the older daughter in with the youngest daughter since she is hardly ever home. That is a very interesting take on the situation. Thank you for that thought. Something new to think about.
Honestly.. I think you gave
Honestly.. I think you gave your daughter a mile and she is taking the marathon... Your husband probably didn't agree that while she was still under the familial roof that she would be allowed to model behavior that he probably doesn't condone.. in front of the younger kids. Yes.. she is an adult.. but she is also dependent on you and your SO to provide her home.. and I'm assuming that in part her education is being funded.. and that she will be looking to your home to stay when on school breaks.
He may not approve of her "defacto" shacking up with a Boy either.. possibly overprotective that she would end up pregnant for example..
And... if the other kids are cramped.. I can see him wanting to move someone up into that space. But.. even if that does happen when she goes off to college.. I'm assuming that she would maybe bunk in with her sister who would be promoted to a room of her own?
Don't think of yourselves as failures because you can't always agree.. your parents probably had similar struggles.. but it happened behind the bedroom door (as it generally should).. so what you need to do is find out why he is so frustrated.
Does he think you are too permissive and do your dissagree on what kids should be allowed to do if still living at home. Not everyone is the same. My parents would have never allowed me to have a BF over in the same room even as an adult.. but I have know parents who have allowed their under 18 kids to stay over with a bf or gf.. so I understand there is a range.
I do think you also need to have a come to jesus meeting with your daughter.. that you get the "young love" and all.. but she is shirking her reponsibilities and she is showign the younger kids a bad example when she skirts her responsibilities and rules. That if she can't live with the freedoms she has been given.. she may find that they are taken away.. and she will have to wait until she leaves home to practice her freewheeling ways.
I am soft but not that soft
I agree that she is taking advantage, I also agree that I am allowing it. I have a soft spot for sure, but my catering to her ends when she leaves for college. She was given an ultimatum after graduation that she had a year to either get a job and save up and move out or she could enroll in college and she could stay until her classes start. The college she plans to attend requires all first years to live on campus. So regardless whether she ws going to go to college or not, she only had until June of this year to move out. I extended it to September because she will be relocating for college so she will lose her job here and I did not want her to go broke her first yera of school. Also, she has a scholarship so I am not paying for her schooling at all.
I do know that my SO does not agree with her "shacking up" with her bf, netiher do I; but at the same time I want to believe that she is capable of making good decisions - until she isn't.
My SO and I have had endless discussions about his frustrations and it boils down to neither of us living at home after 18. I was out on my own at 15 and he left home at 18. He does not understand why she wants to be at home when he is physically only home 20% of the time. He also believes that if any child lives under our roof that they should all have the same rules (ie. bed times, curfews, equal chores, etc.) but I believe that rules need to be age appropriate and I cannot expect the 8 year old to have the same as the 18 year old and vice versa.
Today is the monthly review of our "Housing Co0tract" so I am definitely going to use the input I have received on here to help negotiate the deal. Lots of great input and views. Also just for the record...I know my SO has valid points, I just know what it feels like to be left on my own when I wasn't ready and I don't want to do that to my kids, step or bio.
Team SO from me on this one.
Team SO from me on this one. An 18yo can abide by the rules their presence in the home requires, or... move out. Keep it simple. This is a zero sum game. Comply, or go.
I moved back home for a few years when I was 21yo. I did not bring women to my parent's home for overnights. In fact I can count on three fingers the number of women I even invited over for a visit at all. If I was intimate with a woman, that occurred at their place or at hotels.
It never even entered my mind to violate the basic rules of decorum and respecting my parents and the family home. At least at that age. I pushed the envelope a bit when I was a few years younger, though under notably different circumstances.
Just my thoughts of course.
On this my SO and I agree
My daughter is not allowed in any way to have her bf in her room with the door closed, much less an overnight stay. That will never happen. ON that my SO and I have no problem agreeing. She stays at her bf's house most nights with him and his family.
If that standards is set and
If that standards is set and enforced, enforce the others. KISS. Keep It Stupid Simple. For your own sanity, and for your DD-18's clarity.
The she is leaving eventually model, is a huge point of failure for raising this one and injects drama into the raising of the younger ones. No discussion. Enforce, enforce, enforce.
So many parents focus on what the kids want. Kids have no idea what they want. Not even 18yos. They are about instant gratification. That is why they have parents to tell them what they will do regardless of what the kid thinks they want minute to minute.
Recogize the want, then tell them what they will do. You can even tell them why. Which likely will just result in arguement. Which is when you play the "Because I told you to" or "Because I said so" cards.
IMHO of course.
Have you spoken with your
Have you spoken with your BD18 about the fact that she is not following the contract she agreed to? While I think kicking her out on the street is a bit harsh, she does need to be reminded that these were the rules she agreed to, if she can not follow them then there either needs to be a re-negotiation of the terms, she sucks it up till September, or moves out now. I would expect you would feel the same way if your SO and his child signed a contract and neither of them were following it.
Today is the Day
Today is the monthly review of our "Housing Contract" so I am definitely going to use the input I have received on here to help negotiate the deal. Lots of great input and views. Also just for the record...I know my SO has valid points, I just know what it feels like to be left on my own when I wasn't ready and I don't want to do that to my kids, step or bio.
I might tell her that the
I might tell her that the consequences of not keeping up her end of your very generous deal is that the boundaries have been tightened.
No more overnights outside the home unless planned well in advance .. obviously one of the difficulties in her doing her chores etc.. is that she isn't home... so she will need to BE home more so she can take care of those things.
Maybe it needs to be a temporary lockdown .. consequences for pushing boundaries.
The typical conversation is.
" I know you are technically an adult.. but you are living under our roof and as a result we do have a say in how you are living in our home. You have rules.. you have responsibilities and you have been letting them slide. I don't want the younger kids to see that this is OK.. and that we don't mean what we say.. so for now.. curfew is going to be 10PM unless you have a work shift. You won't be staying overnight unless it is cleared a week in advance.. and as a result of all the recent mistakes in your behavior.. nothing is going to be allowed for the next two weeks.. I have raised you to be a responsible person, but you are not holding up your end of the bargain and that is very frustrating and making me question whether you are ready for this level of freedom.. so for a while.. we will see how the new more moderate level works.
bottom line.. your kid needs consequences.. and perhaps fewer freedoms until she can manage them better.. I'm slightly on your SO's side here .. though I do understand you want to trust her.
Do not step down from the
Do not step down from the parent position to negotiate. This is a tell and comply thing at this point.
IMHO of course.
- She is responsible for
- She is responsible for caring for her two cats 100%. Buying food, feeding them, cleaning up after them, etc.
This is going to have to be figured out soon, Dorms don't usually allow pets.
- She is to tell my SO or I if she plans to leave the house to go somewhere that is not work and her GPS is to stay on at all times (I pay for her phone).
Does she have to tell you exactly where she is going or just that she is leaving? Exactly where is pretty restrictive for someone 18.
- She is to pay for her own car and medical insurance. She is on my plan for both, but she pays her portion to me directly.
Adult working full time - perfect.
- She is not allowed to have uninvited guests at the house ever and is to ask permission to have anyone at the house no matter for how long.
Your house. Your rules.
- She is to communicate if she is going to stay the night somewhere at least 2 days before the first night. I do not track her on this, I take her word for it.
- She has a 1am curfew on the nights that she is not staying somewhere else for the night.
I never did a set curfew while they were in high school. Time to be home varied by where they were going. After high school and 18, the rule was that you were either home when I got up in the morning or there was a message on the answering machine that you were ok and staying at X.
-We are like trains passing in the night except on the days she cooks dinner. We hardly talk about anything anymore, we do not do stuff together anymore and she spends maybe 3% of her time with the family.
Sounds normal to me. She's 18, planning to leave for college in the fall. She has a job, friends, and a boyfriend. I'd be more worried if she spent her time at home. Young adults pull away. It's part of their growing.
As a parent what would concern me is the boyfriend. The relationship is recent for overnights. I'd redo my safe sex talk.
I think the rules were not
I think the rules were not entirely off base (more latitude than I would have had.. but I realize families differ).. but the problem they are facing is that her new relationship seems to have shifted her priorities and she isn't taking care of things.. or living to her end of the conditions.. probably not caring for the cats as well as she should be.. being lax about notifying them.. etc..
The cats would be a huge
The cats would be a huge problem here. They are her cats, not family cats. Pet owners need to be responsible. If she's not home to take care of them, and she's going off to college in the fall (where they can't go), they need to be rehomed.
I had a cat when I went to
I had a cat when I went to school, perhaps the plan is for her to have them with her after the first year..when she can get an apartment off campus? It may be that her mom would be willing to take care of them for that time? My parents took my cat for several months when I was at school until my own apartment was ready.
I also know a ton of animals that become the family pet when the kid goes off to school.. my inlaws have had several.. lol.
Many families assume care of
Many families assume care of pets when the adult child owner is unable to, and while I could be wrong, based on the post, I don't see SO agreeing to the cats staying while his SD is on the dorm.
You must be careful
18yo can be thick headed. I don't see your SO out looking for a bigger home so everyone gas there own room, No matter what you do room/sleeping in. It's only going to cause more problems. 4 kids 3 rooms. Two kids are going to have a room to themselves, the other are going to share. He wants his kids to get there own room. As your kids share a room. ?? Is this a ploy just to solve his problems ?
since you can't put SS and add in the sane room . The kids are going to figure out that they got screwed.... DH throwing out DD so his kids get a single room as DD'S are still sharing. Can of worms
Actually.. the way it seems
Actually.. the way it seems like it would work out (and what he is suggesting).. is that HER 15 year old daughter get the single room.. not one of his own kids.
So.. now the 15 yo gets it.. when his oldest is 15.. it would be their turn to get their own space (and at that point.. the at home kids would all have their own room I think).
I think he is mad that her daughter is taking advantage of her mom's kindness.. there is likely a balance here that can be struck.. but it's hard when kids are wanting freedom.