Is my 16 y/o SS being inconsiderate or am I just too picky?
Hi everyone. I am new to this group. I really need some support because to be quite honest, I am ready to call my 4 year relationship / engagement off. I'm hoping to find some things I can relate to because I feel so alone and like a complete monster!
Anyhow, SS is 16 years old. His dad doens't expect much from him. He goes to school and when he is off he is either in his room or at the rec center. Which is good because he is not a trouble maker. I do not agree with his parenting style. Dad just bought him a car. Buys him whatever he wants. Doesn't make him cook EVER. The kid doesn't even know how to operate a microwave without someone instructing him. He pretty much spoils the kid and in my opinion, is setting him up for failure.
I work from home. When he comes home from school, I am still working. He is always hungry when he gets home but has never tried to feed himself. The burden falls on me and if not, his dad comes home with an attitude or hassling me about food. "What is there to eat??" It completely distracts me from my work.
I LOVE my home to be clean. I spend time every single day cleaning our home. My partner and his son will take out the trash and pick up afer themselves 75% of the time, some because of my nagging, but that's it. So after me spending my breaks from work cleaning the house, sweeping, mopping, scrubbung and they come home tracking dirt in the house, leaving crap all over, etc., it ruins my mood. I become a petty nag that I hate to be. It's like they are coming home to this irrational, grumpy monster who makes them uncomfortable. My partner and I have been doing lot of fighting about it recently. He gets very defensive and upset if I bring up something his son has done, even if I say it in the nicest way possible. In fact, I will have the conversation over and over in my head, and work up the biggest nerve to even mention it.
I work in finance, so this is my busiet season at work. A couple of weeks ago, I very gently told my partner I need more help around the house. I can't be stressing about a dirty house while I am working. The next morning, I wake up to his sons dirty dishes on the counter. I was really annoyed. Partner and I almost broke up over this. He immediately started saying things like "What about YOUR daughter who leaves the fan in her room on?!!!". I am just so drained with having to constanty remind him to tell his son to stop leaving dirty dishes in the sink, stop leaving dirty cups on the counter, stop going into my bathroom and taking the toilet paper out without replacing it, don't leave your shoes in the middle of the floor, don't leave your face cleanser out on the sink, wipe the mirror down. These are things I feel like I am nagging about EVERY SINGLE DAY! Am I being petty here? Are these just small little inconveniences that I should just take care of rather than get mad about? I truly don't know. I am starting to feel like I am just awfu to livewth or be around, but I am also growing very resentful of this kid.
Also forgot to mention I just
Also forgot to mention I just bought a new rug for our living room this week and asked my partner to please make sure that no one is wearing their shoes on it so it stays nice and clean. The rug was expensive. He got sooo defensive and said "Well me and my son just won't walk in the living room". His son has left dirty shoes on the rug twice already. I don't think it was so unreasonable. Lots of people don't even like shoes on in the house at all.
Yes!
No shoes in the house! I read a scientific study on this years ago and it reinforced what was already a 'house rule'.
Buy (or better, have his dad
Buy (or better, have his dad buy) microwave meals, canned soup or pasta, or sandwich making supplies or whatever else the "little guy" can handle fixing himself. Pathetic that at age 16 he can't even open a can of Chef Boyardee and heat it up. As far as cleanliness, it sounds like your DH and son are both slobs compared to you. That's a tough one if your partner doesn't back you.
I love how you said "little
I love how you said "little guy" because in my head I refer to him as "the baby". *ROFL* So... I brought this issue up when we all moved in together and DH ended up buying him a box of hot pockets... which after a few days became something he complained about because it was too unhealthy for the little baby to eat. I have tried to help the kid learn, but I am over his level of incompetence. My 13 year old has been cooking MEALS since she was like 10.
True story here so you can see what I am dealing with... a couple of weeks ago he wanted some oatmeal. I got up and handed him a box of instant oatmeal packets we had. He tore open the packet, poured water inside the packet and then put the packet in the microwave. I thought he would have been able to handle it, but it was like rocket science to him.
cookbook
I'd buy a three ring binder and make him a personalized cookbook for the items Dad buys.
Instant oatmeal-- go to pantry and open box- - remove packet -- return to kitchen -- open upper cabinet to left of sink -- choose a bowl -- put bowl on counter -- take measuring cup from same cabinet-- close cabinet door--open drawer under same cabinet -- take out a spoon and place on counter next to bowl-- close drawer --open packet and put contents in bowl -- put empty packet in trash-- turn on faucet and ... etc. Be detailed. When he asks about food, refer him to his cookbook.
SS has learned helpness. It's time for it to end.
Ugh
In reality, you do not have a SK problem, you have a SO problem. He's not parenting his child but being his BFF.
I'm much like you....I like a clean and orderly home. I have no issue doing the work but the others living here better do their part. The few times DHs kids lived with us full time, they knew and followed the home rules. I will give those two young ones credit...they didn't like it but they did their part. Unlike their home that was a pig pen with dog crap every where. Ask me how I know. On one of my mulitple "rescues," I had to go into her home. Full garbage bags in the kitchen, stove with pots filled with mold on the stove, dog crap all over the house...nasty! I say this only to show you how those kids really had to work hard at this home. SMH
I urge you to get your SO into counseling with someone who has experiece in toxic step life. This 16 year old is going to turn into a 30 year old with the same expectations. His dad is ensuring that behavior in his kid. Your SO is a Disneyland dad who only wants to see the good in his kid(s) and thinks spending money on them is how you do that. Just do some research on this board and see how that has turned out for many of us. Your relationship needs some serious intervention BEFORE you get married. In fact, if you have a date set, POSTPONE IT.
Your other option is one you mentioned...ending it all.
I will tell you this as someone who has been in this mess for 19 years. It can get better...time does help some things....but it is a battle that will suck up all your energy and you need to determine if you want to make that kind of investment. There were multiple times I just wanted a divorce...but DH always attended counseling with me and SLOWLY made changes. That is what kept me in the "game" so to speak. His willingness to try. Thanks to the Lord, we worked it out and today, we are doing well. Mind you, I cut his kids out of my life for 6+ years. He saw them away from our marital home and we'd rarely speak of them. Today, we are beginning some reunification with two of them. We are aging, DH won't be able to travel alone much these days and I want him to see his kids/grands. As long as everyone is civl and respectful, I'm good. BUT...any BS behaviors and I'm done.
You mentioned your daughter...or rather your SO complaining about her leaving a fan on. LOL Great deflection / projection there, SO. How's she doing in this environment?????
Your partner is an asshole, a
Your partner is an asshole, a failed father, failed partner, and a failed man.
Up your standards and move on to living your best life. For you, and for your DD. Let DH and his failed shallow and polluted gene pool fester while you get on with living well.
Take care of you.
Never discount yourself and never tolerate a partner who is not worthy of you. You are all in. This guy is not in at all. He is petty, immature, and is not a man. He is a stunted teen who is raising a stunted teen.
BF & Skid "Honeymoon"
If you don't enjoy it now, during the pre-marriage "honeymoon" phase, I'm here to warn you that it gets FAR WORSE with this type when you're legally locked in after the wedding.
I joined this site a year or two AFTER marrying. My now-xH was the same type - blame-shifting and making excuses for his teenager (my now-xSS). Trying to be the BFF Disney Dad instead of a parent with standards & respect. Triangulating his son's lazy slob behavior & lies into Victim (SS), Persecutor (me), and Rescuer/Protector (xH). Playing the old "Us against StepUltimate" and raging at ME instead of holding his son to account.
It was a bullshit way to live and I never would have gotten married if I'd seen the red flags you're already experiencing. What Rags wrote above bears repeating: