Mother in law & the ex wife issues
Hello all,
I am in need of some advice. I'm so angry & hurt that it's making me crazy. My husband & I have been married for 5 years, he's been divorced for 9 years. My husbands family remains very close to his ex wife & the ex wife holds on to them with claws. My mother in law is currently not speaking to me because I told her I did not like my husbands ex wife, trust me I have plenty of reasons not to, she has been bitter, ugly, spiteful, and so on to my husband & I. My mother in law basically told me that my husbands ex wife was still her daughter in law & she has definitely been treated that way by her and my husbands whole extended family. I don't feel like the wife at all. I am also divorced & I do not overstep in my ex husbands family or situations, which my husbands ex wife doesn't even know the meaning of knowing her place. My husband also does not reach out to her family or overstep in any situations on her side. There is so much more I could write including my children do not get treated at all like family by my husbands family, while my family has embraced my husbands children & except them as family, and on & on. But, the straw that finally broke with me was my mother in law shared a very personal conversation that my father in law had with me on his death bed with my husbands ex wife. It wasn't hers to tell & was none of the ex's business, she did it to stir up drama & I can't get over it. I don't think I can ever forgive her for doing that. My husband has been very supportive of me & he knows what's going on. It just sucks that things have to be this way, I want a relationship with my husbands family but not when I can't trust them and not while they are treating the ex wife as she's still his wife. I don't understand why ex wives can't just move on, I do feel sorry for her sometimes that she hasn't. But now, because she can't, I don't have a relationship with any of my husbands family. Anyone else deal with this & how do you handle it?
I am confused
Your MIL chose to share a conversation she had with her DH. She is an adult, she gets to decide what to share. If I had a DIL and she tried to telll me what I could say to anyone, I would tell her to stick it.
It takes two people to have a relationship, it seems like you need to stick with your family and your DH.
No, it sounds like OP and her
No, it sounds like OP and her FIL had a conversation that was very personal while he was on his deathbed. All because MIL was aware of that conversation doesn't mean she was free to share it with other people.
DH and I talk about conversations that one of us has had with others as a way of getting perspective or gaining support if it's a tough topic. But if I am telling my DH about my friend being stalked because it worries me for my friend, he certainly shouldn't decide to tell someone else about it.
It's a breech of trust no matter how you slice it. BM isn't a member of OP's family, and BM has zero need to know about what was said in the convo.
Oops sorry.
But you do not get to tell MIL what she can share. She can share with the ladies at her church, her kids teachers whatever. If you do not want her to repeat stuff, zip a lock on it
I understand what you're
I understand what you're saying, but perhaps OP thought that her conversation between her and her FIL, that MIL wasn't part of, was confidential. This isn't a case of OP telling MIL something that MIL shared. This was a conversation with a dying man, and it's unfair to "blame" OP for MIL sharing that info. OP has now learned that MIL cannot be trusted, but what MIL did was awful on all accounts.
Wow!
1st of all, I did not tell my mother in law about the conversation I had with my father in law, there was no one in the room but my father in law, my husband, & myself. I'm assuming my father in law told my mother in law what he shared with me. It was NOT her place to tell the ex wife what was said to me in private!! And just an FYI her & my husband do have children together, but they are grown, the ex wife does not need to be front and center with my husbands family, period! There is a big difference in being cordial to their grandchildren's mom, etc. but to treat her like she is still the wife, is insane. I've never wanted anyone to be ugly to her but there are boundaries that should be in place.
Girl bye
To person who commented first ..... Not helpful next time try sticking it urself and move on!
Welcome to the site!
I hear you on the MIL/ExW axis of evil! When I got with my DH, he told me his mother loathed his exW with a vengeance - and it was mutual - MIL initially welcomed me as "anyone who was not NPD BM" would be embraced warmly. Scroll on 15 yrs and DH and I have been no contact with his mother and step father for the last 2 yrs, but guess what? NPD BM and MIL are now Facebook friends and frequently "like" each other's posts. Frankly, they are welcome to each other, I'm just glad I don't have to visit the selfish old harridan who is my MIL, any more.
If you can't trust them, and
If you can't trust them, and they treat you and your kids poorly, why do you want a relationship with them?
Concentrate on your own family and let your husband's family dysfunction remain theirs.
I don't believe that in every situation the ex needs to be totally cut out by the family, but there still needs to be boundaries and the current wife still needs to be respected as the wife.
Your MIL not talking to you because you don't like the ex is childish. If the ex is bitter, ugly, and spiteful to you and her own son, why would you like her?
DH and I have very little to do with his drama stirring family. His parents are deceased but his older sister likes to pretend she's the matriarch. Nothing could be further from the truth.
MIL and I have no
MIL and I have no relationship because she is enmeshed with BM and GBM. It causes issues for DH, and has interfered with his custody before. I tried to be the "bigger person" with her for a while, but when I realized every bit of info got back to BM, and BM was using MIL to extort money out of DH, that stopped.
I'm polite to her. I don't forbid her from my home or anything. But we certainly don't talk about anything that I don't want getting back to BM.
It sucks, and I feel for you. But, sometimes it's better to drop the rope than to continue to struggle in an unwinnable game of tug-o-war. Be firm in your boundaries and thank your DH for his support. Support him in his efforts to have a HEALTHY relationship with his family (that word "healthy" is key; don't just support whatever relationship he has), but focus on maintaining healthy relationships with the family that you can have good relationships with.
Good luck!
MILs are like stepchildren
MILs are like stepchildren - you have no control over them, they often bring drama into your home, they are difficult to avoid, and sometimes the best you can do is disengage.
My MIL is a born meddler. She does it to all of her children, who all take advantage when it suits them and then rail against it when it doesn't. I told DH that he has to decide if he wants to have boundaries with his mother or if he wants to take advantage of her perceived "generosity" to help him out with SSs. If he accepts her help, then it is more difficult to tell her to buzz off when she tries to meddle, because she'll say she has to meddle because he's always asking her to help.
I even think DH putting up boundaries led MIL to become more close to BM. The two of them try to work together to get DH to do what BM wants. This means that I tolerate MIL and try to give her the impression that I don't despise her, while also avoiding her as much as possible.
Just remember that most people who end up in bad marriages had dysfunctional childhoods and for many people that dysfunction can be traced back to dear old mom. My counselor - who I see because of BM's drama and MIL and BIL's aiding and abetting of that drama - has pointed out to me several times that MIL shares a lot of the same tendencies as BM. She has also reminded me that I shouldn't take it personally that DH's family is rude and treats me as if I'm not part of the family, because they also treat DH like he's not part of the family.
The moral of the story is that families have to work through their own dysfunction. If they won't and you don't want to get sucked in to the dysfunctional vortex, you need to figure out how to disengage. It's not easy and it's quite unpleasant to deal with, but dysfunctional people will never be self-reflective enough to perceive their own bad behavior, so it's better to work on reducing their impact on your own life than it is to try to convince them that they are behaving in hurtful and destructive ways.
Your MIL is a write off. It
Your MIL is a write off. It really is up to your DH to put his foot up his mom's ass on this and brutally call the entire family and BM out publicly at the next family event BM shows up for by loudly pointing out that it is a family event, announcing that BM is not family and that she will be leaving either on her own immediate volition or escorted by the police when they arrive.
My MIL still talks to the
My MIL still talks to the harpy BM as well and I cared at first but not I could really care less because they are both peas in one f***** up pod. Considering all the crap they have pulled I just try my hardest to pretend like both of them dont exist. OP you are married to your NOT his family, the skids or the psycho BM. That is my thought process that helped me try to not care what these idiots do toward me.
There’s a lot of solid advice
There’s a lot of solid advice here. The two main takeaways being 1) In knowing the kind of person MIL is, would you associate/want a friendship with her is she weren’t your DH’s mother, and 2) Drop the rope.
I’m all for healthy confrontation, so I’m also with Rags here. If your DH truly supports you, then he needs to be the one to call out his mom’s behavior. I’m willing to bet it won’t matter, though, because this MIL sounds like she’s well aware of the cauldron-stirring she’s doing. Some MIL’s are incapable of moving on to healthier pastures and supporting their adult child and their spouse.
This relationship, or whatever it is, between MIL and your DH’s ex and her family... I know it all too well. This is exactly the situation in my life - and I will tell you - it never changes for the better.
Funny part being: I was always told by DH that BM disliked his mom. And from what I gather, especially now that I really know what kind of backbiting person my MIL is, the feeling was mutual because BM took her baby away. But hey, guess who are pals now? You guessed it!
Thanks & I agree, I don't
Thanks & I agree, I don't think anything will change no matter what. It's funny because my husband has also told me that there were a few of his family members that his ex wife did not like when they were married & actually a few of his family members didn't care for his ex wife either, but now, yep, they are all best friends. I don't get it!! It just seems so spiteful. I'm just going to move on with my life with my husband & our kids & not worry about the rest. There is no way to form relationships with his family at this point bc I can't trust them, she can have them!