Kids after being a step parent
Hi everybody. I am really new to this, but I desperately need to vent. And I need to do it to someone who doesn't know my husband. I have four stepchildren. My husband and I have only been married for just over a year. My husband and I have been talking about having a child together. However, I am really beginning to have doubts about it. I am not saying that I think he is a bad father; he's not. And I love him with all my heart. BUT... As I watch him raise the kids he has, our parenting ideas just ARE NOT THE SAME. I completely disagree with what he allows them to do. The 6yr old says what he feels like saying, to whoever he feels like saint it to. The 12yr old has an "I" everything... iPhone, iPad, iPod... What does she need it for? She's 12. She has already broken 3 phones this year. It's hard to mention all the little annoying things but basically my husband does not give them structure. We were raised totally different. My idea of respect is different than his. The funny thing is that we talked about our parenting views before we got married, but listening to what he says and seeing him in action are different. I don't want to feel like I don't want kids with my husband. I feel like I'm wrong. At the same time, I can't help what I see. By the way, I'm in my mid 20's and have no children. And he does want more children (with me). These kids are so ungrateful and just flat out spoiled! I love them but they get on my nerves.... And it's their dad's fault.
What does your DH say if/when
What does your DH say if/when you bring up his inconsistency?
Well, I've brought it up
Well, I've brought it up before and he tells me that he feels guilty that he is not with them all the time. The kids live with their mom and visit us on the weekends. It's not that I don't understand that he wants his kids to enjoy being around him, but he has to be a father to them... Not their friend. I'm hesitant to bring it up again because he usually thinks that I'm calling him a bad parent when I do. It's almost like he makes excuses because he feels guilty for not being with their mom anymore. ...like its his fault that the Ouse is broken. I feel like what's done is done, let's work this out.
I dont have bio kids with my
I dont have bio kids with my SO or from anyone, but from what I've read on here having bios with SO can be beneficial to the relationship. SO couldnt use the "you dont have kids, so you dont understand" excuse either. but double standardds tend to come up. Your bios will have boundaries and rules that do not apply to skids usually. He might punish a bio for a little thing, but not punish a skid for something far worse bc the skid is "beyond" help in their minds. Before you have a kid with him id come up with house rules that everyone will follow while they are under that roof.
I'm not sure that making
I'm not sure that making house rules will work for the simple fact that I don't think he will follow through. We did this for my SKs and when I am not at home with them, they are not followed. There is a part of me that feels like when we do have kids I want to show him that my way does work.
"Your a wonderful mother.
"Your a wonderful mother. Because of you, i can be the type of father i always wanted to be."
This is what my dh has said to me after OUR dd8mon was born.
I worried about the exact same thing. But i knew dh would take my lead. Support me, do what i do, say what i say. With a leader he knows what to do. Left alone, he's clueless and doesnt want to do it.
I think typically in "intact" families, one parent assumes a little more control than the other. The leader if you will. Typically the mom. Not to say dad isnt doin his job, but his job description is different than one of a single dad.
Those things mom takes care of he doesnt have to think about. As a single dad, he has to think about them, but doesnt know how.
The problem there then lies in the fact, that they still dont listen or think about it after sm's enter the picture.
So, what do you think? Do you think dh would follow your lead in raising bk?
And yes, i agree the sk's dont get punished for things your bk would. Unfair, yes. But you can look at it to as dh wanting better for bk. Or not wanting bk to be like sk. Hopefully not becuz he feels more guilty.
Dh said that one day, "i feel guilty becuz i feel like i love dd more than sk"
I told him, "dont confuse love with enjoyment. And dont short change her becuz of your guilt. It is not her fault we made better choices."
See, the circumstances surrounding ss "birth" was not planned or wanted. Ss felt like a "chore". DH words.
So what we have, what we went through together, is closer to what he envisioned. That is why i told him to not confuse enjoyment with love.
Thank you for letting me see
Thank you for letting me see that I'm not the only one to think like this. I think that I take more of the leading role. I'm the one who makes sure sheets and towels are clean, and the kids bathroom is clean, and everybody has clean underwear, and three meals are cooked, and all of them drink water and eat something green and leafy before they leave. Im also the one usually fussing while "daddy" plays games and wrestles with the kids. I'm the "mean" one. In my view, I'm a great SM. But I admit, I'm happiest when im taking the kids back home. It relieves me. One that same note, it frustrates me that my husband only includes me with the SKs when he wants me to do something for them, like pick them up or take them home. Then, he says I'm their mom. All other times, "You're just their stepmother." it makes me feel used. I often feel like I'm on an island alone. It's my husband and the SKs vs me.
Give yourself a break. Maybe
Give yourself a break. Maybe let him take up some of that slack. You actually don't have to work so hard.
You have nothing to prove. when SO has made me feel like an outsider, he gets an outsider. Outsiders don't do extra things for skids.
Your DH has guilty daddy
Your DH has guilty daddy syndrome with his current children. With yours he could be very different. I've heard of that a lot on the boards. The thing that usually makes women mad is that DH is stricter and has higher expectations of the new children and doesn't treat his children from his previous relationship that way.
It must be hard, but I'd rather have a child brought up right than be raised the way my skids were. I've announced several times very clearly to SO, if we have kids I will be making a lot of rules and things will be very different then when you raised your other two. This one is mine. So I've made it clear he needs to follow MY lead.
I do believe that he does
I do believe that he does have guilty daddy syndrome. But, I find it hard to think that he will treat our kids differently than my skids. I don't want him to, of course. There are so many times that my DH travels more than an hour (one way) to go see the kids 3 and 4 times during the week. This puts him getting home at 11pm many nights. Then he complains to me about gas money... Anyway, I am wondering if he is going to keep going to the other kids like that whenever we have our own child. If he does, part of me feels like I will be fine because at least I'll have "my" baby. I know it sounds selfish, but it's a true feeling. I also feel like I'm going to treat my child differently than my skids. I say that I treat them like my own right now, but I don't truly know what that is like being that I don't have any of my own. ...Being a step parent is really challenging most of the time. There are so many unwritten rules and details and things to consider. Real talk: We all need to pray for each other. Only step parents know what other step parents feel.
I totally agree
I totally agree w/alwaysanxious. I am living that right now. SO (we've been together 6 years) had 2 kids when we met. He had the whole guilty dad syndrome going on w/them. And, he still does. We now have 2 kids together, and even though they are quite a bit younger, he is much harder on them (the 2 we have together), and expects more out of them. It can be infuriating, because he lets the older 2 get away with everything, and the younger 2 (who are toddler/preschool age are expected to behave (from both of us, not just him). I wish he'd step up w/the older 2, but I doubt that will ever happen.