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Just needing to vent, thoughts appreciated

Lalalala's picture

Submitted by Lalalala on Mon, 10/04/2021 - 12:24am

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Blended Family Issues

Hi, I just need to vent and this seems like a good place to do so, with less backlash for my feelings, I am 23, living with my 26 year old boyfriend. He has his daughter every week Friday-Monday. She's 3. Him & the mom split before she was born, and they're civil. When I came into the picture, she wasn't even started potty training, and was still using a nookie obviously affecting her teeth. I got her off the nook, and got her potty trained. My boyfriend has a hard time being "parental", she throws a tantrum, he picks her up and cuddles her about it. She doesn't eat dinner, he lets her go get a popsicle, etc. I have no children of my own. So first off, am I crazy for feeling like I'm battling with a 3 year old for my SOs attention?? When she's around it's like I don't exist, and he does everything to make her happy, and doesn't care about anyone else. We watch kids shows all day on the tv, even if she's watching one on her tablet. She throws tantrums when he's giving me attention. And when I watch her alone, she's pretty good, if she gets fussy, it doesn't take much to correct it. I go and let the dog outside and smoke, and she will just relax and play, but the second he is out of view she freaks out. She's constantly throwing tantrums for his attention. What do I do?? I feel like he hates to hear my feelings about it because he just takes them as against her when that's not it. Also, I do want to have kids with this man.. but why do I feel like it won't matter to him because he already has one? Like it won't be as special to him, and he won't love our child as much as he does his daughter?? It makes me sad to think that we won't ever have a special bond because he already had it with someone else. What can I do about those feelings? 

shellpell's picture

Submitted by shellpell on Mon, 10/04/2021 - 1:23am

You're only 23 and want kids of your own. Why saddle yourself to a guy who already has a kid who he will be living with and supporting for at least the next 15 years or more? There are PLENTY of guys in your age range with no kids who would love to start a family with you. Go find one.

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Mon, 10/04/2021 - 1:29am

Read around on here and you will hear about hundreds of men like your BF, "Disney dads" who dont parent but want to be the good cop while their SO does the heavy lifting, like potty training.  You ask what do do about your negative feelings.  The answer is to direct them at the person responsible for the girl's poor behavior, dad.

You are young.  Getting a Disney dad to reform is a long, tedious task that some never accomplish.  Do you really want to go thru all that while dealing with a toddler Friday-Monday?   I'd say throw this one back and look for a guy with no kids.  Good luck.

 

  

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Mon, 10/04/2021 - 1:47am

This is a failed father.  You have taken on a rescue project.  They are rarely salvageable.

Dont waste your time.

For sure do not pollute you own gene pool with this failed father.

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Mon, 10/04/2021 - 2:23am

You are obviously much better at parenting than your bf, but do you really want the aggravation of constantly battling with him over these kinds of things?  At 23, it is time to enjoy yourself for a few years before getting bogged down in such things.  When you are good and ready, find an unencumbered young man for your partner who is better father material. 

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Mon, 10/04/2021 - 5:26am

I'm with the others. At 23 the majority of men your age won't have any kids. Find one of them, so you two can start parenting together with a discussion of how you want to raise your kids. 
 

You are seeing a lot of red flags about how life will be if you marry him and have kids. Don't ignore them. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Submitted by Rumplestiltskin on Mon, 10/04/2021 - 7:21pm

I give you my solemn promise that these 2 pieces of advice will change your life for the better:

1) Dump this guy.

He has already shown himself to be a bad father, a bad partner, and is saddled with baggage that most other guys are not. Do you really want to put up with being second to a bratty girl and dealing with a babymamma for the rest of your life? Now that you have seen these red flags, avoid them in the future. Find a guy with similar views to you about how he wants any future marriage and family to go. 

2) Quit smoking.

It f's up your heart, lungs, puts you at risk for a stroke and causes premature aging. I know i sound judgy but you won't regret it i promise.