I want to quit my family to spend more time with my job.
Wow, I am so glad I stumbled across this site. Y'all are definitely my people.
I got married back in April to a man with two daughters, 6 and 9.
They're good kids. They like me. They have a good mom. I get along well with her. We all want what's best for the kids.
I have to be honest. I don't love the kids. I've never wanted kids, and I dislike the mud and crumbs and drama they seem to bring to everything they touch. I find being around them and being responsible for them tedious and unrewarding, and I only do it because I love their father and know he can't do everything alone. I never miss them when they're not around. I'm never sorry to see them go home.
I miss my neat-as-a-pin studio apartment and my unallocated time so much that sometimes I go out for a long run and have a good cry.
What I mostly miss is my freedom to stay late at work without thinking about other people's schedules. I used to take it for granted that I could do this all the time. I really love my job. I get here early and run-commute to work (something we agreed I'd continue to do before we got married--it was a non-negotiable for me!), and then usually walk home after work. I find myself coming home later and later, because I hate the whole dinner and homework and getting ready for bed and reading stories routine. I wish I could work all the time and never go home. In all honesty, too, my job's very challenging right now, and I could easily devote 80 hours a week to it if I really wanted to maximize my productivity here.
The contrast between my exciting, dynamic, intellectually stimulating job and the thankless grind of home is so stark. I used to work all day and then head home to unwind a bit and gratefully crash. It feels like I never unwind, except when I'm out running.
I'm also getting more and more of a sense--although he doesn't say it--that my husband is disappointed by the way things are turning out, too. I think he expected that I'd help out more, that we'd be more of a family, that I'd come to love the kids and want to spend time with them.
I love the guy. I don't hate his kids. But I kind of hate my new life, other than the part I get to spend at work.
Does it ever get better?
Thanks to you both. I
Thanks to you both. I appreciate the thoughtful responses. Sometimes strangers on the internet are the best company to keep. Much better to vent here than to hurt the folks at home whom we love.
Ripley, you're spot on about thinking about what it's like for them. I know they're just two nice, somewhat sensitive young ladies who are acutely conscious that they cramp the style of all the adults in their lives to a certain extent. (This isn't an indictment on any of the adults in their lives. But they're smart enough to know that their mother and father have to do a lot of creative scheduling around their needs.) I vowed when I got into this that no matter what, the kids would never ever perceive that I thought they were a pain in the a**, even when I in fact did think that.
I think a big part of my difficulties may be that I'm such an introvert, and that I'm used to walking out of the office and being done with people for the day. I'm just going to need to adjust, and I'm still working out how exactly that happens. And I'm wondering if marriage is a net improvement in my existence or if I was better off single and stepkid-less.
You all are awesome and so,
You all are awesome and so, so wise! Thank you. I love the compassion and just plain CONSTRUCTIVENESS of your suggestions. They make me want to stop whining and fix these things that felt unfixable. In particular, I think the one-on-one time with the skids and the insight about choices are helpful.
Maybe once I hang in here and get through this, I'll be offering sage advice to other new stepmoms a few years down the road.
Can I also say that browsing these forums makes me realize how blessed and lucky I am with regard to the kids' mom? Our only "issue" is that we totally hit it off and have laughingly confessed that we'd love to actually hang out and be pals, but that it would just be a little too weird.
This forum rocks. I can so
This forum rocks. I can so relate to the call of work. Sometimes I feel like Nicolas Cage in Family Man -waking up to a family and responsibilities that seem quite foreign.
I like my work and it's often more enjoyable than being the cook/cleaner/entertainer etc. for skids.
I totally understand where
I totally understand where you are coming from. In fact, the only place I am actually able to relax and feel comfortable anymore is at work. It often feels like the only thing in the world that I am actually GOOD at. I find myself spending more and more time in my office. Luckily I just started my own firm so I have the perfect excuse to burn the midnight oil. However, more times than I would like to admit I finish work, turn on the tv and relax, maybe do my nails, have a bite to eat... Ah, peace!
I really threw myself into the "kid thing" for the past 2 years but got no where. They still hate me (3 teenagers!), the BM has stepped up her slander campaign to encourage that hatred, and my FH and I were fighting more and more about his refusal to enforce rules and actually parent. When they are with us - Wednesdays and eow - the house looks and sounds like Beruit in the 80's. And FH is a totally different person. Why the hell would I want to be there?
Finey is very wise and her suggestions are wonderful. I really hope that you can put them into practice and that they work for you. Unfortunately everyone's situation is different. (Your mileage may vary!) You do sound like you have pretty good skids and a decent BM. Wanna trade?