I need space. Boyfriend doesn't get why I wouldn't want to see his son 24/7
I read half of your complaints here and get so ENVIOUS. "We have SS7 every weekend, I hate it!" Well get this, we have SS4 mon/wed/fri 5-9:30 (11 or later in the summer depending on BM's work schedule), then Sat AM-Mon AM overnight. Yet somehow, BM is listed as having full physical because he sleeps there more nights than our house, so she gets a cushy check yet barely ever watches him. This custody arrangement sucks, everytime they go to court she makes it revolve around her work schedule instead of doing like 1 week with mom, 1 with dad, it's "I work Mon, Weds, Fri, nights, so watch him then. I will get him after my shift ends."
This is too much time to spend with someone elses kid, but I can't tell my BF that without him taking offense. He's trying to get full custody, and we are looking for new apartments. There is a cheap small one-floor one, or a more expensive, much larger, two story one that would mean more sacrificing to make rent- but I NEED MY SPACE. I don't know how to tell this to him- I need more personal space or I am DONE. Or a more logical custody arrangement, like 1 week here, 1 week there. What kind of judge makes the kid swap houses every day? I can't blame the kid for acting out because he has no sense of home, and doesn't stay in once place for more than 12 hours at a time. Even when BM has him he is dropped off at different relatives. She refuses to do preschool or daycare unless we pay for it OUTSIDE of her child support.
When the SS is here, he cries if his dad even goes outside to carry in groceries. Our kitchen connects to our living room and if we are cooking and say, "go in the living room" he cries, "I don't wanna be alone!!!" (he is 5 feet away, there are no walls, it is a 20x20 open kitchen/dining/living room space. Bathroom is also connected to that space, but he can't pee alone unless his dad stands in the door way.
He also has no bedtime. I keep hinting at 7-8 pm "Go get him in jammies and in bed." and my bf doesn't do it. Maybe he will on weekends, but if it's a night he has to go back to his moms at 930 he keeps him awake watching movies in the tv room because he gets scared being alone in his room. I really want that wind-down time IN MINE OWN HOUSE at night. Forget sleeping alone- he wakes up several times a night screaming for dad or running into our room. And dad goes and lays with him til he falls asleep, or else he pulls the trump-tantrum, "I WANT MY MUMMAAAAAAAAAA!"
Yeah, you want mumma because she lets you have a pacifier, sleep with her, and eat and do whatever you want. But what she doesn't do is discipline or structure- he doesn't know his ABC's, and colors in scribbles at a 2 year old level. I had to show him how to hold safety scissors the other week, and teach him what letter his name starts with. He can't even pull his pants up after peeing.
I'm at a loss. Do I wait around to see what happens custody wise? How do I tell my bf, "I need space from your son!" because all he says when I say that is, "He is a little guy who needs love." I guess I just need help.
Oops I wrote a novella
Oops I wrote a novella
So is this the 4 yr old
So is this the 4 yr old you're talking about? Yes, most of that is immature for 4 but not so much given his parents throwing him back and forth so much. You're right in that he needs more home structure. Wow this has got to be hard. I could say he'll grow up eventually but if this is how you feel when he is 4, and things don't improve with the parenting, your bf will still be sleeping with him when he's 12. That happened to me, I met my dh when ss15 was just 12 and ss was still wetting bed and DH would go sleep with him to settle him down and a couple times came back to bed all covered in piss. I know, really gross, but these kids just go through such trama. I hate to think of how your ssons are going to be in their teens if things don't change. It took my ss two years to settle down and grow up after being with us full time. We now have him 24/7 and he is almost 16. So if your bf fights for full custody you might get him a lot more but his behaviors will also change, but then you have to deal with another woman's brat a lot more. Uhg, step parenting sucks. I am so glad I didn't start with really young kids. I would have left. Sorry if that wasn't encouraging.
Your BF is trying to get full
Your BF is trying to get full custody. He doesn't understand why you don't have the same attachment to his son that he does.
You should not wait around to see what happens custody wise. You can't stand the time that your BF has for his son right now. Why wait to see if it's going to get worse? Your BF will keep trying until he gets custody of his son. If he is given an opportunity for more time with his son HE IS GOING TO TAKE IT.
I dated a man that had the standard EOW visitation. He kept telling me he wanted more time with his son, that he wanted primary custody, etc. I couldn't stand his son but stayed because I believed that the BM would never let BF have primary custody. That would mean she would have to give up CS, and I thought that BM was too money hungry to let that happen. Well, one day she decides that she can't handle going to school and the boy and so agrees to let BF have full custody of the son. Something that I thought would never happen DID happen. So then my BF had his son 24/7.
I thought I could tolerate his son if it was only EOW, but I knew I could not handle the stress 24/7. We were already having arguments about his son and I knew it was only going to get worse. I broke it off with him. I don't regret that decision.
If you're already feeling like this, and your BF doesn't understand or is failing to do the things necessary so his son isn't an annoying little brat, there is no reason for you to stay on a sinking ship.
It appears that your BF cares
It appears that your BF cares more about his son and having a relationship with him etc. then being with you, doing anything for you or helping you cope with this horrible situation. The kid is only 4 and it is already THIS BAD so this situation WILL NOT CHANGE! I repeat this situation WILL NOT CHANGE!
I know that deep down you know it too but like the rest of us you hold onto hope that your dh/so will wake the fuck up and put us and our feelings first but if you are with a guilty/Disney dad IT AIN'T GUNNA HAPPEN!!!
Leave. I have been in a
Leave. I have been in a situation. DH never had full custody. Once we met he suddenly wanted his child full time. It really turned into my having him full time andbeing financially, caretaker and cooking etc. If he gets him you will be stuck dealing with him a lot. Leave
Sometimes when a man and
Sometimes when a man and woman divorce/split, they forget what they are supposed to be teaching their child because that part would generally have been looked after by the other spouse. That explains the letter of the first name and scissors and colours part. Now... on to the sleeping part. Whether or not your boyfriends Ex sleeps with that child to pacify him or not... you should not allow your boyfriend to continue doing it. That boy will get used to it. He acts out for it because (believe it or not) he's very smart and knows that he will get what he wants.
Here is the relationship rescue part. You need to be totally honest with your boyfriend. Tell him it will hurt him but there is no other way to go about it. That boy is NOT your child. You don't, nor will you probably ever love him the way your boyfriend does. That's just facts. He shouldn't expect you to. In fact, he SHOULD be giving you space in your own place by taking HIS SON out and finding something for the two of them to do. If it's his son, shouldn't he be wanting to spend quality time with him?? What movie has a second marriage shown as a fairytale??? The three of you DO NOT have to live "happily ever after" all together all the time.
This is all my opinion. I was brutally honest with my BF. It hit him hard and he was hurt. But I stood my ground and he understands that my love for his boys will never come close to the love he has for them. Therefore my want to be around them is very, very minimal compared to him. Now we find separate things to do and do our own things when he has his kids! It came down to that or selling the house and going our own ways. No way do I want to be a big part of 2 kids lives that I don't even like and aren't mine. Not my deal.
I guess you need to ask yourself some questions. If he says it's a dealbreaker for you to want your own space, are you willing to leave him over it?? I was and in the end I got what I wanted.
I agree with everyone else on
I agree with everyone else on here. You have to be honest and tell your BF how you really feel. You may not like the answer you get from him, but holding it in and dealing with it as it gets worse won't help!
I married my soulmate and have a beautiful daughter with him and love my life! Yet still, I have to deal with this dark part of me that dislikes a girl from his previous marriage. I'm scared every day of my life my daughter will grown up to hate me for not accepting and loving her sister the way I love her. I'm scared that I'm pushing my SD away from her father because I have completely diassociated with her and want nothing to do with her. It's a horrible feeling to have , so if this man and life isn't everything you want, get out. There are so many other great guys out there!
This sounds like an
This sounds like an incredible chaotic schedule for a 4 year old.I bet that most of his behaviour comes from this messy and inappropriate parenting agreement.When does he ever get a break from the constant changes between both houses?
And for you I feel sorry, too, since this must leave a huge impact on you.I really believe that your SO is in a total denial and clueless about what works and what not (for you AND his son)
You need to have serious talk to him.
I hope you will soon find a much better solution.I couldn't do what you do, but I also feel sorry for the boy at the same time.
He doesn't get a break, and
He doesn't get a break, and consequently because of this schedule neither do we. I don't understand any judge who would have okayed it. They are both being selfish and using the other parent as a babysitter because BM refuses to spend child support (more than I make annually) on childcare.
my skid has no baby momma,
my skid has no baby momma, well he does, but she's drugged in some gutter somehwere...i have him 24/7 and hes AUTISTIC, which was ignored until 3 years ago when I, as a teacher and just a normal human being, told hubby something was severely wromng with his kid......so now i have a ss9 in my face 24/7, who is the physical and emotional equivalent of a 4 year old.......you will never be free of his kid, and if YOU have no kids for him to be a stepdad, he'll never understand how you don't just adore his kid the way he does. you will RESENT this kid forever and ever.....trust me, I feel more amnd more detachment and loathing toward mine EVERY SINGLE DAY......Seriously, watching my hubby's parents and other family members physically hug him and touch him even makes me skeeve, I'm like HOW THE HELL can you do that??? don't feel so bad...think about the REST of the animal kingdom. Even bio mothers say, in the lion kingdom, IGNORE their babies that aren't the FITTEST, the ones that won't survive. They know instantly and they walk away. NO OTHER LIONESS would ever take that baby lion and care for it. in fact she'd kill it and eat it on sight......why as HUMANS should we be expected to LOVE someone else's DNA? I don't get it......
People who claim they love
People who claim they love someone else's kid unconditionally like their own are L-Y-I-N-G! "why as HUMANS should we be expected to LOVE someone else's DNA?"
To be honest, I loved my
To be honest, I loved my husbands kids unconditionally as my own, then I woke up and realised it was some fantasy I was telling myself over and over to try and make me believe it lol
At least you dont have him
At least you dont have him living with you full time and paying child support to BM like we did for so long. We don't any more because she signed them over to DH but we had to pay it for so long and she would blow it on stupid crap like cigarettes, bunch of cases of mountain dew, etc etc. Then when she would blow the money and the kids needed new shoes, school supplies, backpacks etc, she would call my phone and tell ME that the kids needed that stuff! ANYWAYS!
If you are wanting space now and cant deal with the kid now, what are you going to do when B/F gets custody? Is this were you want your life to go? I wish I would have had the brains to get out while I could. Now I have devoted 5 years of my life to this family and feel like it has been nothing but a waste!