I Love my Future Husband, but Not His Family
I met my fiance at 18, in college. We had a long relationship spent finishing education, and generally "growing up". I knew he had a son early in his life and I accepted that. Initially, the bio mom lived in New Orleans' with the boy: I never saw/met him. I heard phones calls between my bf and his son, but no visits/contact. I questioned why my bf never made attempt to go get his child, with an explanation that he and the mother went through a bitter custody battle/child support case soon after the child was born.
When we moved in together after college, I finally met with his son. This is when the red flags went up. The child had no relationship AT ALL with his father once he moved back here to CA. We saw him once in a year, during his birthday/Christmas. The only form of relationship/bond they have is when my now fiance is spending money on him. The financial strain is unbearable. He is now 13, and the financial strain is getting worse as he demands more expensive things.
During Thanksgiving break this year, he wanted an Xbox and 3 games. My fiance bought it, and when he stayed over one night and asked for a new game, was denied. He got mad and immediately wanted to go to his grandma's house.(to ask for the game he did not get)That was my holiday experience.
It's not fair, and it's making me doubt my fiance can handle our household once we marry and have our own kids. All his and his immediate family's money goes to this child. Worse, neither my fiance's or his son's mother care for me. I've had to post-pone our wedding date 3 times due to financial difficulty already. Everything is child first, us last and it's hard to look forward to marrying that situation.
Well, absentee fathers have a
Well, absentee fathers have a lot to atone for. He should have been in this kid's life.
And money is never the
And money is never the answer.
I can relate but I hate to
I can relate but I hate to tell you, this can be a no win situation.
My ex-H has a teenage daughter he saw only a few times a year, but he always paid thru the nose in CS and any extras she wanted. She was the result of a stupid casual relationship he had as a teenager and was in the military when she was younger and she was primarily raised by her grandmother.
We struggled during the recession, I lost my job at a mortgage lender and our house was foreclosed on. But my then SD - her dad paid for anything she wanted, she leased a horse, went to riding competitions - very expensive hobbies and her dad was essentially homeless for several months.
The Daddy Guilt knows no ends in these situations. When x-SD came to live with us, she had no bond with her dad, she absolutely hated and resented him.
Teens already are at an age when they are trying to rebel against their parents. It doesn't work to try to bound with them during that period.
There's no incentive for these brats to actually suck it up and get along. Once they know that their dad will give them whatever they want the more they reject him, there's no reason for them to finally get over it.
My x-SD will be whining and moping about her dad abandoning her for the rest of her life because she gets sympathy, her dad continues to chase her around begging for her forgiveness and she gets so much out of it.
IMO, the dad should write the kid off until he's in his 20s and can be rational. Teens aren't rational and they have no value for things like forgiveness or value for their dad's relationships. All they care about is themselves.
It's 100%. RUN. To marry
It's 100%. RUN. To marry this guy would be a tragedy for you. To have children would be criminal.
I'm really very sorry I know you've got a lot emotionally tied up in this guy and it sounds like some money also. But tossing in more money or time won't change him one whit.
There are a million guys out there settling into their careers and without children. Find one. Do not even go on a second date with a guy who has children.
Your fiance should not have
Your fiance should not have waited so long to start parenting his child; HOWEVER, throwing money at a problem does not fix anything. The only thing he is doing is creating a spoiled, entitled brat and you do NOT want to be married into a situation like that. My DH and his family are the same way with my SD (& DH has been around SD's whole life! We have her 50/50!) and trust me, it is awful. You will always feel like you are second. You will never be a priority. That kid will always come first and that feeling is AWFUL. I am experiencing it now and I wish I had listened to those who warned me not to marry DH.