I am a BM of two sons ages 8 and 11, and a full-time stepmom of two SS ages 6 and 10. I have been married to my SS's father for 1 year, and we dated for 2 years before that. I love being a mother to my sons and truly felt that I had something to offer my SS (thier BM has little to no involvement in their lives), and have tried so very hard...but I truly have to admit that I simply don't like them and at this point don't feel that I ever will...worst of all, I'm tired of trying and torturing myself and honestly feel that I made a mistake by marrying thier father.

The oldest SS has asberger's, a mild form of autism. I feel no connection to him-he has no interest in the things that the rest of the family enjoys, and often times makes our family outings miserable becuase he complains the entire time. It is awkward in social settings because of his inability to socialize and even embarassing. He can't do even very basic things and I am exhausted emotionally by these things! He won't try anything new, ever, hates everything I prepare for dinner, and that also is hard for me to deal with. I try so hard to put these annoyances aside and just see him for the good boy that he is--and the most guilt comes by knowing that he truly wants to please me All hugs and pleasantries feel so forced for me, but I try to act sincere because I would never want him to feel unloved. The truth is, I cringe and feel incredibly uncomfortable.

The youngest SS is a nightmare. He was born with heart problems and had 3 open heart surgeries in the first 6 monts of life. Since then, he has been catered to in every way and spoiled beyond belief. He is 6 years old and mentally intelligent; however, his behavior is truly that of an unruly 3-year-old and not in a good way. His father and grandparents thing its the cutest thing when he behaves this way, but it has caused so many problems for our family-our friends no longer invite us over becuase they can't deal with him. I hate dinner time. He refuses to eat. He won't listen, he and his brother literally just stare at you with blank faces. So many times, after repeating myself or asking to do the same basic things that they should be able to do for themselves (like get dressed???) I think "are you F***ing retarded or what?" then feel so horrible.

My sons are far from perfect, however they truly are well rounded and easy-going. They are very capable boys and seem light-years ahead in the common sense arena. People enjoy being around them and they love to try/do things. I feel that the SS's are taking so much away from the things we used to do together....I want them (and me) to be tolerant of others, accepting, but a huge part of me just feels that on some levels we have lost part of our lives.

No one will admit it, which is in my opinion total denial, but I am raising two special needs children in my SS's and the denial only makes me feel crazier. I have tried to be diplomatic with thier BF, but have never told him that I flat don't like his kids, and probably never will, that I think they have serious problems and I'm not sure I am a big enough person to tolerate them. Do I hurt everyone and leave, hoping to "set the caged bird free," or do I stick it out, keep trying and just endure until they are old enough to move out 12 years from now? I do love thier father. But 12 years of this hell will kill me and I don't want my own children to get the least of me while I just try to endure.