I feel like I should give up now.
To start, I love my daughter. That being said she is difficult. Now that she is thirteen it has steadily been getting worse. My daughter just doesn’t care about anything, choirs, school, and hygiene. It is a daily fight to get her to do the basics. I have to stand over her just to make sure she brushes her teeth, I have punished her and nothing works. Right now she has an empty room with just a dresser and a bed. She lost all electronics, tv, friends and everything. She thinks she has lost everything so she just keeps pushing it. I always find something. She is in counseling (with a great counselor). She is so articulate about her problems there (the therapist calls her out on things and she always reacts fine), we talk about what can make things better, make deals come up with consciences for behaviors. Then go home and it’s like it never happens. I see her future getting bleak and I am heartbroken but I keep pushing forward. The disrespect, the language, defiance refusing to do choirs, the name calling, the fits. She has been diagnosed with ADHD (by several test and therapists) and I make sure she takes them. I love her, I will always keep trying, I just want her to have a good life, independent, happy and successful. The bio-mom is on the same page and we always talk about punishments so they are the same from house to house.
Why post here?
I met this wonderful woman an over a year ago. She is the best thing that happened to me. We want to get married. She is a successful strong beautiful woman, self-made. She met my daughter and they have gotten along great. She steps backs and lets me parent. As I spend more time with her my Daughter has stepped it up, normal I know…but the base line was so high already. Now she is defiant and hurtful to my SO. I step in, I defend, I slam down the hammer but she says so many hurtful things. My SO just brushes it off, but I can tell it gets to her.
Now I am thinking of breaking up just to save her from my future. If I do that my daughter will see it as a win, but why should I put this great woman through all of this. Should I break up? I don't want to cause another I hate being a step parent. I just wanted something nice for me too.
I think it is wonderful that
I think it is wonderful that you want to protect your SO from the hurt. So, many bio parents seem to view being sassed and disrespected by their children as part of the signing package when you fall in love with them.
I am sorry that you struggle so with your daughter. It sounds like a challenging road for all considered. I hope for all involved that it is a phase.
Perhaps speak to your SO, and see what her thoughts are with regard to the future. She clearly has seen the worst of times, and knows that the day in day out is probably a roller coaster of crazy, somewhat normal, and mind boggling. Maybe she is prepared to go forward and keep trying.
Don't give up. Do speak to your child, and maybe the therapist about the circumstances. Try to carve out time for each other that is free of the teenage drama. Take each day as it comes. Best wishes and luck!
I'm going to be 100% dead
I'm going to be 100% dead honest here. Sometimes, in very unhappy moments, I have wished with all my heart that my DH, when we were dating, saw what dealing with BM was doing to me and had broken it off with me when I was too blind to see. It would have hurt for a while but there would have been a lot of things in my life that would have gone happier. Four years of my life were dark and bleak and absolutely miserable and he saw it but could not let me go because then he would have been in the dark all by himself--so there is an element of selfishness in that.
BUT I also recognize that I am/was a grown woman who could have made my own choices, and I did not break up with him, even at the expense of my own emotional and physical health (and I mean, seriously, looking back on all the crazy things BM did like having her boyfriend come into our apartment and be in the dark with her on the phone is just one of the many insane things we had to deal with), and that is something I have to own up to.
So if she has not made a move to leave, I would let her make her own choice. She is a grown woman, like I was, and should not have that choice taken away from her based on an assumption of it definitely turning out bad. You can clarify with her and tell her about your fears. She may be very appreciative of it and might make your relationship stronger. You can ask her what you can do better or if she has anything she's unhappy with and you will endeavor to make a compromise.
Now, two more years down the line, we are happy, with some small blips here and there because there was a steep learning curve on what the right thing to do was. The future is not always bleak.
Agree, she is a grown woman
Agree, she is a grown woman and capable of deciding for herself but you owe it to her to make sure she clearly sees the problems. DH didn't clue me in and i paid for it and still am doing so.