I am new here....need advice
My husband can't stand my son from a previous marriage. My son is 13 yrs old. He's a good kid...a little messy at times but polite and has a heart of gold. Recently, my husband just started blaming him for all kinds of things! He claims it's my son's fault that we have no privacy and he says that because of him, we can't go on vacation anywhere! One of the reasons we can't go on vacation is because my husband just won't have him with us. He now wants my son to go live with his father, but my son doesn't want to live with his dad. He has a much closer relationship with me and it's breaking his heart to not ever be able to leave his room and spend time with me because it sets my husband off! My husband has basically given me an ultimatum...it's him or my son! Well...in my heart the decision is clear...my son is my blood. The only thing making this difficult is the fact that my husband and I have a 2 year old son together and he LOVES his daddy! I don't know what to do anymore! This tug of war is killing me! I have tried to talk my son into going to live with his father at least temporarily, but it hurts him!
What can I do??
Why would you have your son
Why would you have your son leave? No way in hell would I do that. Your DH has NO right to ask you to chose between him or your son. Your DH is an idiot!
I would never choose a man
I would never choose a man over my child, but again, there are always two sides to every story. What kind of things does your husband blame your son for?
Please don't send your son
Please don't send your son away to please your loser husband.
Sad situation. My 2nd ex
Sad situation. My 2nd ex basically drove my daughter away with his mean actions, berating her, teasing her about her weight, making life miserable for her. I was so controlled by him and afraid of him, that I allowed it to happen.
She now lives with my ex (her dad) 1300 miles away and has been there for almost 3 yrs. I regret EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. I miss every birthday, school dances, pictures, Mother's Day, all of those important times when a mother needs to be with their child.
She's 15 now and I miss her every minute of every day. I get to see her every other spring break and christmas and all summer long, but she's got her own life and friends there.
You will never forgive yourself if you send your son away. I didn't send her away but I allowed my husband at the time to treat us both so badly that she wanted to leave. I will forever hate myself for that.
You're being controlled and abused right now. Please take your boy and get out of this horrible situation. He doesn't love you if he's willing to make you give up your son.
I'm going to play devil's
I'm going to play devil's advocate here.
Are you SURE that your son is really as good a kid as you think? Do your friends hang out (willingly) with your son around? Do his teachers ever have any behavior issues with him?
I ask this because MANY of the DHs on here tell the SMs that it's all their fault, the kids are angels, and it's not the case at all. MANY skids do things like make faces, talk back, don't do as they're told, and act like entitled brats and their bio parents think they're the most sweet, special snowflakes ever.
If your kid is really a good kid, then it's your DH who has to go.
It doesn't matter what type
It doesn't matter what type if child her son is. Asking her to pick one or the other is just wrong.
The right thing to to is for the loser to man up and walk away from the relationship.
I'm not going to immediately
I'm not going to immediately say the guy is a loser, because there are definitely 2 sides to this story and we don't know his. Hell my DW used to tell people that I was selfish and never wanted any of my SD's around, People of course would believe her until some of them would witness with their own eyes just how much shit I've put up with when it comes to SKIDS.
Would be interesting to hear his side of things, because honestly Bio moms always think their kids are great even if they are spawn of Satan.
First I don't think you
First I don't think you should send your son away. A lot of what your DH is complaining about is the same stuff I complain about to my SO who has a 16 year old. I don't have privacy, we can't take couples trips, and frankly sometimes SS just annoys me, he's just a big dork. But I don't want to get rid of him that would devastate SO.
But SS' clingyness and immaturity got so bad I felt like we could never leave town without him. I felt like we were being held hostage in our own home. But we've talked and worked some things out and we've now been on one couples trip. And SO got the grandparents to stay with SS while SO was out if town on business. Even though SS is 16, he acts like he's 10.
I'm also working on keeping SS out if my bedroom. And I noticed he's not hovering and clinging quite as much. Now he stays in his room mostly, which is not what I wanted, but oh well. Why there can't be a balance between being overly clingy and hiding in his bedroom all the time, I dont know. coexisting together while respecting personal boundaries is what I want.
Anyway, try to get your DH to give you specifics about what your son does that annoys him. It's not your son's fault, it takes time for everyone to adjust. And I'd recommend finding some childcare for your son so you two can take a couple's trip together.
I know that the more my SO prioritized our relationship, meaning going out on dates and taking trips together the better things are. And I also encourage and support my SO doing fun things with SS. Of course, he's his son.
And if your DH still insists on your son moving out, well that's just not reasonable. Whatever your DH says, the kid is not really the problem. Maybe there's other problems he's having and taking it out on your son.
I would never tolerate my DH
I would never tolerate my DH asking me to have my child live with their father. I have so many issues with my SD8 but understand that she is my DH's daughter and he loves her so much. He has full custody and even I would worry about his child going to live with bipolar BM. These are things that adults understand. Even us evil step moms who cant stand their SKs. To me, your DH is a selfish immature brat and needs a reality check in grown up land. I am sorry but what a jerk. I also can't help but to feel concern for your son that you would even try to get rid of him. That is your little boy! Even if your son has behavior issues ...it does not matter! Please do not give up on your own child.
I have a friend whose ex was
I have a friend whose ex was like this to her son. She stayed with him until he cheated on her one too many times. Now the son is an adult and can't stand his mother because she chose abusive stepfather over him. Essentially she's lost them both. Be careful not to side with an abuser. Your DHs treatment qualifies as emotional abuse IMO if your son is relatively innocent.
wow...I'm a little surprised
wow...I'm a little surprised to have so many comments that are so acusatory! I came here for advice not to be judged! yes...there are 2 sides to every story. My husband is an idiot and a loser and I agree with all of you who have said that. All that being said...when a mother is getting her child to go live somewhere else even temporarily, has it not occured to anyone that perhaps my situation is little more serious than that?? I will NEVER chose my stupid husband over my son! But for the time being, for his safety he needs to be away from home until I can get out of this relationship! Abusive men are not THAT easy to get away from! They make threats and bully and they are very scary! Police? been there, done that...and all it does is make everything worse in the long run! I need to find a way to protect myself and my children, even if that means getting him to go live with his father for a while until I get counselling and get the stregnth I need to not be affraid of him! Do any of you have any idea about abusive relationships? I think some of you are basing your answers on relationships that have 2 normal adults...not an abusive one.
As for my husbands side of the story...here it is. He is an Egyptian Doctor, living in Canada. He's frustrated because his papers don't mean much here. He can't work as a doctor here...he's 60 yrs old and is accustomed to traveling as much as he likes, when he wants and however he wants. I forgot to mention that he has 3 kids of his own from a previous marriage. The oldest is 30, then the only girl is 27 and the youngest son is 17. He doesn't have much of a relationship with his sons, but does have one with his daughter. His daughter is a really sweet young lady, and I have spoken to her about all of what is going on and she is also really upset with her father for being so manipulating and controlling. But...she is not surprised at his behavior because she knows him well! Someone mentioned that maybe my son reminds him of my ex...well you are right! he does...and he hates my ex because he says that he is controling our lives! It's all really stupid.
To the person who is playing devils advocate. My son trully is a good kid...he has faults like anyone else on the planet, but no...his teachers love him because he is so polite and well behaved. He does well in school and is very mature for his age. His fault? he has a messy room! He doesn't answer back...and to be honest, I don't even know how he controls himself...because if I were him, I would be yelling back! But he stays quiet and knows better. I was alone with my 13 year old and 20 year old for many years and I raised them to be polite and well mannered. So, my husbands problem has nothing to do with my son being a "bad" kid. My husbands problem has everything to do with him! YES, I get it...my problem is getting away from this relationship without getting myself killed in the process!!! I have no intentions of having my son away from me for the rest of my life! I only intend on having him away for the time being.
Ya know, it's kind of hard to
Ya know, it's kind of hard to give advice when your OP does not give any details.
"when a mother is getting her child to go live somewhere else even temporarily, has it not occured to anyone that perhaps my situation is little more serious than that??"
All we have to go one is what you tell us. You said NOTHING in your OP about your husband being abusive. The replies you received would not have been so "accusatory" and "judgmental" had you bothered to give that little detail.
^^^THIS. yes, it's hard but
^^^THIS. yes, it's hard but you have to keep yourself and your children safe. No matter what.
biflexed is right - a
biflexed is right - a temporary stay with Dad may not be as temporary as you think. The courts will not want to keep moving the boy around. If he goes to Dad's, he may well be staying there long-term. You really need to look at what is best for your son. Staying with an abusive spouse may well be enough of a change of circumstance for Dad to file for a change of custody anyway. Getting out, even if to a shelter temporarily, is likely your best option.
Good luck.
I think had you explained the
I think had you explained the situation a little more in depth by at least mentioning the abuse you would have gotten some different responses. Please, for both of your sons' sakes, get out of that relationship. Show them what strong women do, and show them that it's not acceptable for anyone to be abusive.
Thank you biflexed...you may
Thank you biflexed...you may be right...i may be stronger than I think, but right now, I can't even think straight! I have spoken to my ex about the situation and he has no intentions of taking me to court to have full custody of my son. He knows that my kids are my world and he knows that my son will come back home...my son also knows the reality of our lives...he knows better than anyone what WE are living. He knows very well that I'm protecting him right now. He's hurt, because he knows how hard this is for both of us. With any luck, it won't be more than 2 months and he will be back with me and our lives will be peacefull again.
How do you think your son
How do you think your son going to live with his dad for two months is going to fix things?
Unless those two months are for you to move out and away from your abusive spouse.
What Amber said^^^^ Please,
What Amber said^^^^
Please, don't live with regret like I do. I, too, was abused and I let it go on for far too long. It cost me custody of my only daughter, jobs, homes, cars, friends, family, my credit, my LIFE.
GET OUT and away from this man and don't just give your son up. You will regret it, I promise you.
I REGRET EVERY MOMENT I STAYED WITH THAT MAN, PERIOD.
The idea of him going to live
The idea of him going to live with his father is so that I can get out and arrange my life! I have no issues with being on my own...I was a single mother for many years. The one and only reason my son needs to be with his father while I get away, is because I don't want my son around to be the brunt of my husband's fury! I will not loose my son over this...I have to be wise in how I leave him. I already know what leaving an abusive relationship is like...once all this is said and done, my only regret will be that I let that man into my life even if it was for a relatively short period!
Good deal. You weren't
Good deal. You weren't specific in your postings, which is why everyone sort of jumped to conclusions.
Either way, get out and do what's right for you and your son.
Good luck
Keep your son....boot the
Keep your son....boot the husband!!!