How to disengage from dh bm drama but not my family?
I've come to the conclusion that I need to step back from dh getting me involved in the drama with ex or leave. I don't want to leave my dh but I need my own head space back.
We have finally managed to both get on the same page more or less with our respective dc, but dss mum is awful. She headbutted dh a few weeks ago ect. But the main issue is he pulls me into whatever drama they're having (it blows up every couple of months) and then I get so frustrated as he doesn't sort it out. I've come to the conclusion that he is still emotionally enmeshed with winning the battle of best parent compared to her and he isn't able to remove himself from this battle. I don't want to leave him, apart from this our relationship is good.
My aunt has suggested I build my own life away from him, that I refuse to get involved with any drama and concentrate on getting my needs met by seeing friends more and finding interests that don't involve dh. This is so I won't care tthat he's being made a mug out of once again and running around for hours after work. Has anyone done this? How do I disengage with the drama rather than dss and family. The only advice for step parenting disengagement is around parenting and I don't need that advice.
Have you tried marital
Have you tried marital/couples counselling?
I will give this advice but
I will give this advice but it will only work if your DH loves you and wants to preserve your marriage.
First whenever he talks about BM drama all don't you say is uh-huh and then you leave the room. If you can't leave the room or you're stuck in the car together just keep with the aha and don't engage the conversation, start talking to your kid or playing on your phone or anything to not give him any sort of attention.
Second anything that involves BM you're going to also have to remove yourself from. No pick up or drop offs, no running errands, none of that. If it involves BM and her drama then your DH can go by himself.
Basically every time BM and her drama comes up you remove yourself from your DH. This sounds like a subtle tactic but it isn't. Men realize very quickly when they are not getting the attention from you that they usually do.
The possible outcomes, however, are that he notices that you're withdrawing from him or he runs back to BM or his kids to get his emotional needs met. Whatever his reaction is will tell you what you need to do with your marriage. If he wants to get back closer to you and get your attention then you're going to have to have a conversation about boundaries or perhaps go to counseling. Tell him that it is emotionally exhausting to witness this drama and it makes you feel like you're the other woman when you're actually his wife.
Good luck. This is what I did with my DH and it came out in my favor.
I think this is going to be
I think this is going to be my tactic from now on. Now all I need to do is keep my mouth shut which will be the hardest part!
I am an all in on marriage
I am an all in on marriage guy, as is my wife from her perspective. Abdicating one's position at their mates side through any of life's challenges makes no sense to me.
I would be firm, let your DH know that if he does not have the testicular fortitude to assertively deal with BM and their ill behaved violent failed family progeny that you do and BM and SD will be introduced to zero tolerance for bullshit abject misery if they pull their usual historic crap.
Ignoring a problem does nothing but facilitate and enable that problem.
Set your boundaries and apply total misery and destruction on those who encroach on those boundaries. Do not let your SO duck and cover. He has to be at your side during the good stuff and the challenging stuff. Particularly when it comes to an X and any toxic ill behaved spawn.
Good luck.
I've been there and have been
I've been there and have been slowly crawling my way out of being an enabler to my SOs helpless, victim mentality.
First I had to accept his situation although not created by him is perpetuated by his inability to establish boundaries and he is part of the problem.
Second I had to stop feeling responsible for his well-being. He is a grown man and if hasn't learned yet how to handle his own problems then he needs to.
Lastly, I coach. When he starts to discuss a problem I keep my two cents out of it and simply say things like. How do you plan on handling that? If he plans on doing nothing or making the wrong choice. I let him, after all that's his choice to make. Simply say, I'd you think that is best. Do Not, let DH suck you in stand your ground and keep your boundaries.