Help! Spoiled children
Hello, new to this forum however I have been lurking for a while now.
My issue isn't really with my step kids (SD7 and SS11) but more with their father (my husband) and how he deals with them.
We've been together for 3 years, married for one. His split from his ex was messy, she was (and still is) an incredibly bitter, dismissive and entitled woman who would take every opportunity to try to get extra money out of him and to try to break us up.
He had tried his best to do right by his kids, he drives 100 miles every other weekend to see them, they stay with us 2 nights a week, he gives a huge amount of his salary to his ex-wife meaning we are left with very little. As a result she only has to work 3 days a week and lives in a 5 bedroom house while we both work very long and tiring weeks just to try to pay the bills.
I have accepted all of the above but it does cause stress to our lives, especially when we have to try to be civil to her and it seems she can be as rude as she likes.
Her financial situation and family money means the kids have been showered with gifts and affection since the day they were born. On the whole they are nice kids - but they can be terribly spoilt and act very entitled (just like their mum).
They both have a habit of demanding rudely rather than asking, never saying please or thank you etc, which I'm aware all kids need to be taught but for some reason these two kids are just not getting it, even at their age.
I gave them some Christmas presents last weekend - gifts I had worked hard to budget for and choose for them. But neither of them said thank you. SS11 even had the cheek to say that his sister had been bought more than him and the game I got him was 'cheap' (it wasn't).
Now I'm from a family that would have been horrified if I spoke to anyone like that, but my husband didn't even flinch. He was enjoying giving them presents so much (he also used to lavish them with guilt gifts before I raised it) that he didn't notice that they didn't say thank you to him or I.
He heard the rude comment by his son, and I glanced at him for moral support. He simply ruffled his hair and smiled at him, while saying: "Don't be cheeky."
Really?
This is the same stance he used with his daughter when we went on holiday with my parents in October. She was so badly behaved she actually squatted and urinated all over the floor of my parent's new apartment. It was out of protest because he and I went somewhere on our own, without her.
It eventually ended up with my parents sitting him down and telling him he's far too soft with them, and that his daughter is a spoiled brat (she is incredibly demanding, rude and jealous at times) who he panders yo unnecessarily. For example if he is speaking to another adult she will interrupt, climb all over his lap and make him get her a drink of water even though she won't actually touch the water.
I am losing respect for him. I am becoming the bad guy who makes them clean up their mess, who tells them off for being rude. I don't think his kids respect him very much either.
He has called me 'jealous' of his daughter (she's SEVEN, not another woman) and has said that I don't like them, (not true but who does like spoiled kids?!) he has said he is trying, he says that he is blind to it because he loves them and sometimes he can't tell they are being rude, lots of excuses have been said but I feel very little improvement is being made. He immediately jumps to their defence when I raise it, which damages our relationship and makes me think we cannot work as a team.
He says he's not a 'shouty' father and finds it difficult to be firm with them.
I would like a baby in the next year but I'm not so sure about having one with him anymore if he can't parent these kids properly. I'm not sure I want my kid growing up alongside these two over-privileged, demanding kids.
Please tell me there is some way I can get through to him. Their behaviour needs to be sorted and I want us to work as a team but he is in denial. God help us when they are teens!
x
To be fair he doesn't spoil
To be fair he doesn't spoil them much at all now compared to what he used to. When he first left their mother he did buy them lots of guilt gifts, but he is much more careful with money now (he has to be).
But their attitudes remain terrible because their mother still spoils them and he lets them get away with speaking to him like crap.
I don't think he is the one spoiling them as such - but he says he can't 'see it' when they are rude.
So my question is -
I am not a parent yet so can that happen? To be so blinded by love that you just can't 'see it'? My parents would come down incredibly hard on me for being disrespectful. Pretty sure they still loved me though!
No. You can't seriously
No. You can't seriously believe 'he is so blinded by love he can't see' something such as a kid deliberately pissing on the floor is inappropriate behavior.
Just like a 'cheeky' kid who announces his gift is cheap and doesn't say thank-you. Dad sees it. He knows it's rude and disrespectful, obnoxiously so. He choses to accept it, excuses the behavior to others and gets defensive if others don't choose to accept the behavior also.
Yes and instead he had his
Yes and instead he had his hair ruffled affectionately! :jawdrop:
Until he realizes that
Until he realizes that purchasing things and giving gifts is not the definition of unconditional love, and that he is setting the expectation bar for real life way too high....He will never see the need to fix anything because he doesn't see it (He told you that himself)...once he does see it...He needs to do some soul searching to find out why he is doing it...Guilt? Fear? Abandonment issues of his own?buying loyalty? ego?... wanting a return "thank you" from his children to fill his own void? His motive for doing it is just as serious as his action of doing it...If he doesn't resolve this within himself...His children will grow up and perceive love as things that people give me...the more you give me the more you love me...the more they will require in order to be satisfied...which they never will because things are not love...The sad thing is...he is teaching his children to go to the highest bidder...the flip side of that coin is...If you don't give me things, then that must mean you don't love me...(which isn't true either)...Your dh is not going to be able to display unconditional love until he finds it himself..for himself...That usually includes some counseling and getting real with your own personal deal...Even if you decided to have a baby and took the stand not to raise you kid this way...the two cultures will soon clash because of the "unfairness" this problem takes on...
I had the same problem with my dh when I married him...I have a strong work ethic and the gift giving had to stop when I brought my bios with me and I was not going to tolerate that kind of bias under the same roof...nor was I going to destroy my bios with that behavior....his ex was livid because it was one of her resources to getting extras...to use the kids (they would actually bring lists with them)...and have a birthday party every time they came...Her hate for me intensified as I continued to draw healthy boundaries...the kids hated me for it...but i saw in the osd how it ruined her...she has no joy...she is going on her 4th marriage now...and does not know what real love is...my s adults are now over 40 (all three of them)...
It is a difficult stance to take when both bio parents cannot see that they are destroying their own children...in more ways than one, but the hyper gift giving and over the top status these kids were given (although I am sure they thought it was wonderful at the time)...it ruined their true joy and gave them false expectations of the world...the entitlement was so blown out of proportion that no matter what you did, it wasn't enough...
This world is completely saturated with narcissistic people who have come from the generation before them who were given "everything because we did not have it" mentality...now these people are coming out of failed marriages (again) because in a lot of cases (Not all)...divorce is just too convenient of an option and creating a new breed of the narcissistic population that is so hyper entitled, selfish, self absorbed, their world is self created by an all you can eat buffet of choices with technology to meet every imaginable desire...it's rude, it's rampant and out of control...and this generation is way less covert about it's existence...they actually flaunt it and are super proud of it...The culture we live in today contains all the flaws of the generation before us..on steroids...These kids are emotionally starved by parents who didn't have their needs met as children...whatever these parents replace their love and emotional support with...will be their kids "crack" addiction...the problem is...you can't replace the real thing with a counterfeit...it never works.
Your battle here girlfriend is with something way deeper than it appears on the surface..you, like the rest of us...are just seeing the "symptoms" of the real problem...and if you can't figure out the cause...the root cause...you will spend your time putting a bandaid on symptoms the rest of you life...It is a sad state of affairs when you waste your life on something that is out of your control, not your problem, and is unfixable by you...the only thing you can do is focus on you...in a become the best version of the real you that you can be...In order to do that..you have to figure out who the real you is...
I would get some personal counseling if I were you. Waiting for your dh to "get it"...might leave your lurching in the balance for a great deal of your married life. Take some time and dig into your own soul to figure out...why were you attracted to this guy to begin with? Why do you tolerate an over reaching ex wife clearly trespassing over boundaries that should be there...Why did you state "I have come to accept her behaviors"? Why? she is divorced from your dh...not partial cut off...If you do not have any self respect...how do you think people in this complicated situation are going to respect you. You need to know who you are. Make healthy boundaries...and respect yourself. She will go as far as she is allowed to go...and then some...when are you going to say to yourself enough is enough?....Like the woman said in the movie stepmom "You can either sit here and be miserable or Do Something"...do something for yourself...peace
^^^^THIS THIS A MILLION TIMES
^^^^THIS THIS A MILLION TIMES THIS^^^^^^