Help! Frustrated with a sss = spoiled step son. I have no authority, watching his behavior worsen.
This is my first post. I am in a long term relationship. We have been together for eight years, and at this point it would be ludicrous to say that we are not one family. I have three boys from my first marriage, and I get along great with my sd, who is 14. However, my ss has always had behavior problems and I am often his target.
With my boys, I have always been a strong disciplinarian. Not mean or difficult. I just think it is important to hold them accountable and reward them when they are responsible. My SS is 13. He is ADD, and wasn't diagnosed until about a year and a half ago. He can have major temper tantrum meltdowns.
My experience with him is that he has always acted like a testing toddler. Pushes the rules, and proving that he doesn't have to listen or behave. With a toddler, my experience has been that you discipline them, and then explain why the rules are the rules and they (hopefully) learn from this. But imagine if your toddler NEVER had any boundaries. The problem begins with simple stuff but gets more and more complicated over time. I am worried about him. His behavior can never get rectified if there are never any consequences. He has had major problems in school, with his peers, with his siblings. He is often the odd man out, when nobody wants to play with him. This of course makes him lash out more.
My relationship with his mom is pretty good. We are good friends and we respect each other. But when it comes to the ss, it has only gotten more complicated over time. She has a tendency to not react or let her son have his way so that he leaves her alone, stops the temper tantrum or whatever. When we talk about it she often tries to redirect me by saying 'well your son has these problems' which drives me NUTS! Not only are we not dealing with the problem, we're attacking the other kids! It's like say "My car doesn't want to start" and having the mechanic say "Well airplanes have problems sometimes."
Here is an example. I say "If you can show that all your homework is done, you can throw a Halloween party." Step son doesn't want to listen to me, doesn't want to do his homework, and wants to prove he doesn't have to. So he doesn't do his homework, get's an F, then goes to his Mom and arranges to have a secret Halloween party elsewhere and they just keep me out of the loop. Seriously - this just happened. I thought I was being nice offering to throw a party as a reward, instead I feel duped and hurt.
I cannot discipline him. He not only refuses to listen to me, but is absolutely disrespectful screaming profanity at me and his mother. It is now to the point where I don't allow him to come home after school. He has to go to his mom's work and stay there until she gets off at 8. I really feel like I have no ability to control his behavior, no authority, and that makes having him around a liability that can be dangerous. (Once he ran out of the house after dark and left on his bike with no light)
I have been in this relationship for eight years, with (I hope) many more to come. I believe I will know this young man when he is an adult. I worry about him. I have had to step back and not have the kind of relationship I would like to with him because he is out to prove that he never has to respect anything - and so far due to lack of support from his mom, he is right.
He wants to prove that he doesn't have to listen or obey the rules. And, he doesn't. Why would he if there are never any consequences. Any punishment means nothing to him anymore, because he either gets out of it or out waits it. I love him and want him to do well. I worry that someday he will be looking to prove that he doesn't have to listen to teachers, then bosses, then police, then wardens.
This post already seems way too long. I don't know that I can accurately paint the whole picture here, but I do appreciate the place to rant.
The moral of the story:
SS + No Rules + Mom Doesn't Back Me Up = Problematic.
Any thoughts and advice would be appreciated.
What Dtzy said. If your SO
What Dtzy said.
If your SO is not stepping up and dealing with her son, then it's her problem and not your problem.
Disengage and refuse to react or deal with him any longer (caveat is if he's injuring you, your kids or your property). Let his actions roll off you like water off a ducks back. Do not engage him except for polite hellos, goodbyes, etc. Don't be cold, just don't get involved.
If your SO comes to you with something, remind her she does not support your decisions and often undermines your actions....so she can now deal with all things SS on her own.
Do not pay for anything for him, reward him or go the extra mile for him any longer. Stop reacting. Let your SO handle it as she sees fit.
You've done your best to help. Neither wants it and you're only frustrating yourself by trying to fix the problem they're not acknowledging.
A lot of us deal with SOs and spouses that pull this same old shit. Disengaging (except how Dtzy lined out) is usually the only answer.
Good luck.
I can relate to your dilemma
I can relate to your dilemma in two different ways. For starters, I was diagnosed with A.D.D. when I was 7 years old, my brother was diagnosed with A.D.H.D. at age 6. I'm now in my mid-thirties and have not outgrown the A.D.D. I took Ritalin for several years until system seemed to build a resistance to it and made the huge mistake of not having the pediatrician change meds. After MANY years I finally decided I'd better see my M.D. about prescribing Adderall or something comparable. My day to day concentration, reading comprehension and ability to stay on task has improved tremendously thanks to being back on meds! ON TO MY POINT!
People with attention deficits do have a tendency to get easily frustrated (Kids often let the frustration take over, turn in to anger and blow up as opposed to focusing on a finding a solution to the problem.), acting before thinking things through, and so forth. If you haven't already, I suggest asking his pediatrician to recommend a good Children's or Family Psychiatrist to teach you different methods of how to deal with and hopefully minimize breakdowns, outbursts and so forth. Also, if mom is making matters worse and refusing to help/ join in the treatment & DISCIPLINE of son, then you may be able to take some kind of legal action for "child's wellbeing!"
Regardless of whether you and your partner, bf or gf are married or not, if living under the same roof both adults should have authority to properly & appropriately discipline as needed. Regardless of attention deficit or not, children must be held accountable for their actions and the consequences that follow. It sounds like you and your partner NEED to have a heart to heart, then bio parent needs to sit bm down and tell her to work as a team for the sake of child or see them in court for what could be a custody hearing.
I'm sorry i'm all over the place with this and hope some of it makes sense. I'm exhusted and meds have worn off!! I'm also a bit confused by your post and bio on who is who as far as the adults go. Are you dad's gf , the dad...etc??? Sorry, if I weren't so tired I wouldn't be so confused!!!! Goodnight!
First let me make my position
First let me make my position clear on the plethora of mostly bullshit syndromes that the pseudo science behavioral "experts" saddle kids with these days and make up new ones nearly constantly in an attempt to legitimize their mostly bullshit "profession". In all but a few instances it is nothing but utter bullshit to justify shitty parents and shitty parenting and most of these pseudo science "professionals" provide little of value or substance and create far more problems than they solve. Sure, some are truly legitimate professionals who help kids with legitimate issues but most are just marginal academics who could not get a real degree to provide a viable service to society. And that is what I think about that.
That said, based on your OP I have to surmise that your DW is a shitty parent particularly with SS13 who she rewards for his toxic vitriolic choice to not perform.
Solution .... squirt bottle. When he gets in your face screaming douse him in the face with a squirt bottle. That should break his rant and meltdown. If he escalates consider adding a whole lot of Tabasco to the water bottle. That will at least distract him with enough pain so that he does not make the mistake of throwing a punch at you and necessitating an ass whuppin.
Most disturbing is your bride sneaking behind your back to facilitate a Halloween party for this toxic little shit kid. Time to plan a major shindig without DW and SS-13 and not tell DW about it. When she freaks ask her how she likes it then bare her ass on the Halloween party.
What is good for the goose is good for the gander and this may just give DW the lube she needs to extricate her head from her ass on her own behavior and on stepping up to actually parent her toxic kid.
I see from your profile that you live in Oregon or what I refer to as Sperm Land and/or the Peoples Republic of Idiot Family Law Judges. Our CO was in Oregon and we dealt with the idiot bottom 10%ers of the legal profession who tend to sit on the family law bench in Sperm Land. It must be utter hell to have to deal with raising kids under an Oregon CO while living there. We never lived nearer than 1200 miles to Sperm Land for the 17+ years my Skids Custody/Visitation/Support order was in effect. My bride did not want the Sperm Idiot and Sperm Clan to have any more influence on our son (my SS now 22) than necessary. SS had 3x per year visitation with his Sperm Idiot and the rest of the Sperm Clan. 5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring. Sadly the kid still has to deal with his toxic Sperm Idiot and Sperm GrandHag and their manipulations to try to get him to send money to help support his three younger also out of wedlock Sperm Idiot spawned half sibs by two different baby mamas. The Sperm Idiot lives in Sperm GrandHag's and Sperm GrandPa's tental property rent free and they raise his three younger spawn in their home without any help from their idiot son. They paid all of the Sperm Idiot's CS to my SS for the entire 17+ years of the CO.
If it were not for the Sperm Clan and the idiots that the voters in OR allow on the family law bench it would truly be an amazing place. We do enjoy our frequent vacations to Oregon when we visit my ILs. My bride grew up in the Willamette valley and we enjoy the beauty, wines, and great food we experience when we are there.
Anyway, Good luck dealing with your sneaky bride and animal SKid.
Take care of yourself and your kids.