Hi, all! I'm SO glad to have found this forum. I am a soon-to-be SM to a great SS21, and BM to BD15.
I actually have two questions that could use your wisdom - I'll save the second one for another post. Sorry in advance for a long first post.

XH got married last year to a woman with no children. His 2nd marriage, her 3rd. Both in mid-40s. Met online, proposed within a month, moved in together in 4 months, married a year ago. Not that my opinion matters :-), but they seemed well-suited to each other with similar interests and really seemed to be a good match. XH was "starting over" after midlife career crisis and some other issues - clean slate for him. I truly wished them well, even though divorce was awful. Our marriage couldn't be saved, but I wanted him to be happy only because BD15 would be happy.

I moved on, not the clingy-ex type (I filed, BTW). A year after divorce, I started dating guy from 30 years ago, LOL, and we've been engaged for 3 years. Getting married in October (yay!).

Basically, XH and I have no ties/communication other than BD15.

Initially BD15 liked SM a lot - SM was fun, outgoing, interested in the same music, dressed cool, 'got' many of the things that I didnt, etc. More like a way-cool way-older sister, which was fine because they connected on it. I told BD15 that any time there is one more person in her life to love and support her, that was a wonderful thing. Told her all the stories of friends who became SPs, and focused on the positive. Explained there'd be adjusting, etc., but that it was great they were getting along so well. My mom was a SM to five, and 40 years later is still in regular touch with all of them despite having divorced their dad 30 years ago...I know blended families can have happy endings and that's what I hoped for BD/SM/XH.

Fast forward one year.

BD15 has a very, very strained relationship with her dad.
She's a good kid, good student, has good friends, hyper-responsible (OCD all the way).
Not mouthy, generally quiet, not a drama queen or demanding.
BD pays minimal support, and I have not asked for his share of thousands in orthodontia, med bills, etc. according parent plan because I don't want the tension. Tried to make it as easy and non-confrontational as possible. We communicate by e-mail only, infrequently, and only regarding BD15 activities. XH is not easy to co-parent with, so I try to keep things very low key to avoid blow-ups.

XH lied to BD15 about a few things - didn't tell her he was engaged, didn't tell her they were moving, a few other things... BD asked me for the truth, and I told her she should really talk to her dad, not me. Also, has reverted back to what he was near end of marriage, with unpredictable rages, etc. with his family, SM (so BD says), and with BD. He's diagnosed bipolar, been on meds for 20 years (which he sometimes forgets to take).

SM has become withdrawn, and BD15 is upset that SM cries all the time. SM no longer interacts with BD, refuses to drive her to school that's 5 mins from their house when she's overnight there (8 nights/mo) despite it sync-ing with her work sched. Also 'snipes' in the background when BD15 is on the phone - I've heard it when I've called BD. Snide remarks, mostly, but hurtful.

BD doesn't understand why SM is withdrawing and seems to resent her so much, after they got off to a great start. I asked BD if there was anything she could think of that might have triggered a change, since they used to go to galleries, din, etc. together. BD said that it all changed when they moved in together.

I don't want to push BD towards a relationship that will hurt her. At the same time, I'm encouraging her to try to find ways to make time spent at XH's less stressful - find things she can do to lighten the atmosphere. She made a b'day cake for SM without being asked/told, and said that it was the first time in months that SM seemed happy. She does her chores, her room there is a messy teen room (cluttered but not hoarder-bad), and keeps to herself - said that when she goes in the livingroom to watch TV with them, SM leaves the room. Last week she stopped in to pick up something, said a happy "Hi!" - SM went into the kitchen and cried and XH shut himself in the bedroom.

I don't know what to do - I don't feel like it's my place to speculate what's happening, but I also need help giving BD ideas on how to cope.

I stumbled into this forum looking for hope/ideas because BD said something that stunned me the other night.

She doesn't talk much about what goes on there and I don't ask, but in recent months has said more and more often that she doesn't want to go, she wants to move far away to go to college to get away from XH, and two nights ago said, "XH is an a**hole and SM is a b****"

BD15 doesn't talk that way. I've never heard her utter that kind of thing, ever. She's not hateful, and has certainly not said that to BD/SM (XH would've called me in a heartbeat).

XH doesn't take feedback well - BD brought it up with him twice, and said he told her that they are making a lot of sacrifices for her (not monetary, as he has a good income and child support is less than half of what is normally ordered, he doesn't pay medical/dental/insurance, I give her spending money for her weekends there, and have bought all the athletic gear/prom dresses/etc). He told her that they give up their social life to be a family, she needs to reach out to SM more (but when she does, she's pushed away??).

Can BD/SM relationship get better?
Does this happen a lot - things are fine, then they're not??
Should I put this down to a rocky first year of marriage for XH, and BD15 is caught in the middle?

I read a lot about angry, acting-out kids here, but BD has never been like that. She's afraid of her father, has been for years, and does not argue. Loud noises/voices scare her, even at 15 - she gets very upset when people argue or there's tension, which is probably why she goes out of her way to avoid conflict. XH and I didn't argue...he raged, I cowered.

I have been courteous to SM when she came to school events early on (she doesn't anymore). Tried to keep things light, and at the beginning told her that BD15 really seemed to like her and hoped they would get to know each other much better. At the few family events like funerals or religious milestones that I go to (invited), I say hello but SM says nothing and turns away. I sit alone at the back, and just greet XIL's to avoid intruding on the 'new' family. It confuses me because fiance's XW is courteous, pleasant, we get along wonderfully, we both adore her son (my future SS), BD15 likes fiance's XW alot and says how nice she is, and everyone just gets along .

Suggestions? Should I just keep my mouth shut when BD15 asks what she should do, or when she gets angry about going to XH's?
I want to reassure her that relationships change, that even though it's a rough time sometimes, things can work out.
XH would have a fit if BD15 didn't want to go there at all, but I think it's more a control thing than a wanting-to-have-her-over thing, so asking for a changed visitation schedule is out (I think).

Family therapy didn't help - XH/SM wouldn't participate, and BD and I didn't have issues between us. Single sessions for BD helped a bit with how she felt about the situation, but then XH withdrew his OK to continue them.

Fiance and I have been engaged for three years, and already delayed our wedding for a year because of the issues with BD/XH/SM - we agreed that introducing another change in her life was not a good thing. Reset date is coming up in October, and neither of us want to postpone it again but will if BD is still struggling with XH/SM.

I think BD15 best bet is to try to rebuild some kind of relationship with SM and keep her issues with XH separate.
She gets rebuffed with every attempt to connect with SM, tho, so I'm not sure what kinds of things to tell her to try.

I thought maybe SM wants bio-children and was running into difficulties, but XSIL says SM was adamant about not having children. XSIL also says that things are very strained with SM and XFIL/XMIL, is estranged from her (SM's) family, and SM doesn't participate in family gatherings.

Help?!
Mo_Mom