He thinks that it is no big deal.
My fiancee's sister has never really accepted me as being a part of the family. She remains close friends with his ex and ALWAYS has to make a point of either asking about her, or making some kind of comment about her. Several of our dinners together were spent talking about his ex.
This has made me very uncomfortable and reached the point that her husband and my fiancee' finally said something to her about it.
My fiancee and his ex have a strange relationship anyway, he still discusses many things in detail with her. I have to admit that my feelings have been hurt many times by him talking to her about things that we are doing. He says that he speaks to her about things, because our plans affect their son. Which to a certain degree they do, but for him to take me and only me out of town for a week end and for his ex to pick and make the arrangements for our hotel.....sorry, that to me was not called for.
We have talked about this on several occassions and he says, " he is more sensitive to my feelings." But still, when she calls I hear him going into detail about what we are doing. Lately I have just begun to leave the room so that I don't overhear what they are saying.
Maybe it is upsetting to me because I have a VERY different relationship with my ex. We speak very little and only about the kids. I know when my daughter is with her dad and what they do is their business, as long as it is within the visitation guidelines. I have full custody, so if he takes her out of town it has to be discussed with me. My son is an adult, so he is able to make his own choices.
My fiancee and I have lived very differently and we are opposites in many ways. He is used to having his way and can afford to make that happen, while I am used to making the most of every penny and not always expecting the top of the line in everything. His family lives the same way, even though they can't afford to do so at times. Especially his sister.
Maybe this is why she can't accept me. I am different.
When we are together I am seldom apart of any conversation. Granted, my fiancee and his sister are in business together and alot of the time are discussing business and their father is in business for himself and can join in on the conversations. I understand what they are talking about, it is not over my head or anything, but am not a part of the conversation.
Anyway, the real issue for me is the fact that his sister can just blow me off or even put me down because I am different.
This is even affecting my daughter. For the second year in a row my daughter has not received a birthday or Christmas gift from my fiancee's sister. My son either, but I can understand that because my son is 21 and has only seen her once. But my daughter is 12 and has been around her numerous times. This is very hurtfull to my daughter, to see my family accepting my fiancee's son with open arms and treating him like all the other kids in the family, and then to have my fiancee's family buying his son elaborate gifts and her being left out.
My fiancee's father did buy my daughter a Christmas gift, but his sister has done nothing. The thing that upsets me the most, is that my fiancee says nothing to her. If it were reversed and my family were treating his son this way, I WOULD SAY SOMETHING.
I am so upset by this and really don't know what to do.
How can I get the acceptance of his family, when it is not important enough to discuss?
I would greatly appreciate everyones thoughts on this.
Well first off you husband should say something.
I agree that he should stand up to sister and say that it's not acceptable for her to act the way she has been. However it sounds like the issues at home need to be worked out first.
I'll tell you from experience--yes they have to communicate--but not to the extent that they are. I imagine she is entitled to know how to contact you when you are going out of town what ever--my custody order states that my X and I have to leave numbers, address etc when leaving town, but if it goes beyond the baisc details then it's to much to me.
I would be furious if my Bf was taking me out of town and his X was making our arrangments for a hotel etc. In fact I would be so pissed I doubt I would even go--he would be taking a vacation by himself.
It seems to me that he needs to deal with that and then move on to the issues with his sister. In my opinion there is never an excuse to treat one kid different just because of blood lines. Kids are KIds no matter what and to me anyone who would do things like that are out of line and cold. I would be upset too.
Alisha
Two big issues to work out BEFORE marriage.
These are important issues that need to be resolved. Neither are acceptable and if you two can't work them out then you should not get married because that would mean that other things down the line would not be worked out either. It would be HIS way all the time.
I know a lot about this. I may as well bash my head against the wall instead of discuss an issue with my hubby. I've learned over 12 years of marriage that I have to find MY way of dealing with whatever is bothering me rather than try to work at it as a team. It is sad and I wish I knew this earlier. I love hubby to death, but no matter what I discuss with him, if he doesn't completely agree, he does whatever he wants.
That is no way to live and if there was an alternative aside from divorce I'd take it.
Do NOT go into this if you two can not work as a team. These are two major issues that are a great test of how you can deal with important issues. There will be LOTS of things you have to work on together and if you find out now that you can't work together then count your blessings that you've saved yourself a life of bashing your head against the wall. Hopefully, you can work together and live happily ever after.
His amount of contact with ex should default to what you want unless you are trying to keep him from his kids which you are not. If he's fighting you to have more than necessary contact or sharing too much info after you've said it's too much, then something is wrong. YOU are the gauge now.
Divorce means separation. There is no need for them to discuss anything except whatever directly affects the children. If hubby has a cell, there's no need for her to know where you are going, just that you are going somewhere. It's none of her business. You decide what is acceptable for you and discuss it with him. Try to come to an agreement and see if he sticks to it. I would NOT leave the room just to avoid hearing their love fest. It's obviously a problem that he needs to correct.
As with the sister. Wow. What a witch. Is she trying to piss you off? Discuss this with him. Get a feeling as to if he agrees its inappropriate and then if he's willing, he should address it with her as if it was coming from him. It should bother him. He should want her to zip it about ex around you and make you and daughter feel included. If he says to her, "fiance wants you to" this and that, then forget it, she'll hate you forever. It'd be better for you to confront it with her yourself.
I think I'd adjust my interactions with her greatly if she continues treating you and daughter that way. Who needs it? There's nothing requiring you to like her or socialize with her beyond the mininum.
I can't stand one of my husband's sisters. Thankfully she lives away and isn't around a lot. He can't stand her either so that helps. It causes so much inner turmoil when you put so much pressure on yourself to have perfect relationships with all family members and everyone that is important to someone else. That's just not reality. Not everyone likes everyone.
Don't require yourself to like everyone that comes your way. Do your best, but if they treat you like crap, you don't need them no matter the relation. I've cut several familial relationships down to bare minimum because of this. My life is so much more stress free because of it.