He Gets So Defensive When I Point Out The Obvious!!
Well I never thought I'd be here in this desperate state of need, but I need all the help I can get. My very loving boyfriend and I met 3 months after his divorce was finalized, so I was completely cautious moving forward. His ex-wife is completely controlling , and I had to point out on a few occasions how manipulative she is. Anyway, he has MAJOR boundary issues with not only her ,but the boys too (he has 3 kids, twins are 6 and his oldest is 10). Well I basically said that I couldn't take it anymore, and we went to therapy (because hes nearly perfect besides this issue). He finally came to the conclusion that he needed to put up boundaries with the Ex, and actually sent me the text message that sent her. I finally feel things are getting better with that, but now here's the second "monster", the bad ass kids!!! They tell him what they will and wont eat, scream for no reason, walk on the coffee tables with their shoes, constantly cry if they don't get their way etc. The biggest problem I have is with the oldest, and one of the twins. The bad twin will bully his brother and try to manipulate him. He hits him if he doesn't get his way, and makes fun of him which I know is "normal" at times, but he's super disruptive/annoying. I feel that that the "good" twin is hands down my favorite, so I always want to reward him, but i know the father would get mad, so I don't. My BF definitely feels guilty about the divorce, which I feel annoyed by as well (if I'm being honest), but I guess that's typical? The bad twin also is a straight up stage 5 clinger, and takes all the love and attention from the other two. All 3 kids have been held back in school, and the bad twin gets in trouble at school for his behavior. My BF and I just got over the boundaries with his ex-wife, but he seems waaay now sensitive about the kid's. I always focused on the ex, but now I don't know what to do about the kids? My BF is such a nice guy, but I'm starting to be turned off by his lack of boundaries, and our insistent fighting!!!! Has anyone gone through something like this? I told him this makes new want to only come back when I know they're asleep, and he said this world put a wedge between our relationship. I don't know what to do? Help!!!!
Ps: I'm 34, no kids, never married. Also, we've been together for 8 months.
Not one word of this sounds
Not one word of this sounds "nearly perfect" to me. Find a guy who has no kids or knows how to parent without you forcing him to.
I would not waste any more
I would not waste any more time in this relationship. Find someone who is better suited for you.
This IS part of who he is and it's not going to just go away.
a word of wisdom.....nothing
a word of wisdom.....nothing will ever change. The youngest kids are only 6.......if you want the rest of your life to be like the last 8 months....then stick around....if not...then get the heck out of there.
I speak from experience....as someone who ignored the red flags...who foolishly thought things would get better with time. While things do change and some things get better.....those things that change and get better just turn into completely new issues and problems.......b/c at the end of the day...all that is left is a guilt ridden daddy...controlled by his ex and his kids......these men (my DH included) need to either stay single and worship BM/kids for the rest of their lives.....or take their sorry asses back home to BM and kids....and spare the rest of us from the drama.
People get defensive when
People get defensive when they know they are in the wrong. It's a natural reflex.
Probably not worth the effort you're giving this
You're in the unfortunate spot of probably being the first serious relationship after the divorce, which is a bad position to be in when there are no kids involved... and an even worse position when there are kids. I personally think the chances of a never-married, child-free person being genuinely happy with a person who is divorced with three young kids is slim-to-none, but it's even worse when you're dealing with someone who is so freshly divorced, as they tend to be pretty clueless as to how to navigate the dating world.
At a minimum, take a step back... This was way too much too soon. Also, strongly consider getting out and moving on.
Skip the therapy and send him
Skip the therapy and send him to parenting classes.
It all still new
It takes forever for everyone to find there place. So soon after a divorce or break up. If your only 8 months into the relationship and already seeking help. It is not good it supposed to be the honeymoon period. Kissy kissy lovey lovey not we have to see the counselor this week work on our relationship. Because we have a bunch of kids and a ex driving us mad. Just get out of it while you can. Obviously your on here you can see the cracks. And already asking yourself what's my life gonna be like in this mess. I can answer you now even with this small amount of info it gonna be miserable.