Handling an entitled SD
Hi,
This is my first post here.
I've been reading on and off and the discussions here really helped get me through some of the harder times.
I've been together with SO ( not DH yet, ha ha) for two years now, and have met and visited his SD for over a year now.
A month ago I've moved in with SO, who has equal custody of his BD6.He's a very kind, loving and generally wonderful person; he is against conflict and tries to find peace and soft solutions whenever possible.
The issue is, I've moved from occasionally being with the SD to being there half the time, and the bad habits are bubbling up more and more.
Intense tantrums, lack of discipline, entitlement and disregard for others- especially for her father-incapacity to pay attention, respect rules, listen or focus on others.
She's a very sweet and intelligent kid, who's capable of great love.
But SO is buying her things all the time, spoils her and generally lets this bad behavior slide.
I've read up on books, have had extensive classes on child psychology and tried to keep telling him in all ways that he's raising an ungrateful, spoiled and incapable to fend for herself child.
He becomes defensive and continues the behaviour.
Added to all of this, is him treating us more like friends when she's around, as to not traumatize her.. But it's been a year and we barely even peck / hold hands in front of her. And her reaction is to always come between us and try to get his attention.
I try to show her kindness, with hugs, discussions, games, while also telling her to pick up after herself.
But in the end he tells me he has to do the parenting. And I not only feel excluded from the couple relationship - which is fantastic when we're alone- but also from my new home.
Help? Anyone home through this?
One of the most difficult
One of the most difficult things about being a parent is to become aware of your own 'stuff', and set it aside so that you can see your kid and your kid's needs - and do the work to meet those needs. It really calls for maturity, common-sense, and personal strength of character.
It sounds like your SO is busy using his kid to fill his own needs. Kids don't need or even want a bunch of stuff, they thrive instead on clear boundaries, encouragement, shared activities with a parent. But you know all that, you've been doing some reading.
The thing is, whatever drives your SO to avoid looking at himself and instead to use distraction to pacify himself (and, presumably, his kid), has been the modus operandi for 6+ years now. Every tantrum, every challenge to his authority, every act of disrespect was an opportunity for your SO to choose being a parent over comforting himself. And he chose to make himself comfortable.
I'm sure there's more to it, there always is. But for me, this would be a deal-breaker. I couldn't stand by and feel slighted in favour of a child... and I would be so confused that my partner put me on the same level as a child to start with, never mind that I 'lost' a competition. How bizarre! I don't think I would respect a man who was failing his child so deeply. And for my own future happiness, I couldn't plan to have a family with a partner who I couldn't communicate with, and whose parenting so obviously doesn't measure up.
Being loving and caring and being a strong parent are not mutually exclusive. I am probably one of the more strict parents I know, but that's more because I have a child who needs clear structure and boundaries. I'd rather be more lackadaisacal, but that doesn't serve my kid. And as a parent, I do what's best for my kid, not what's comfortable for me. (Usually. I have my moments. Lol.)
StepAside- I was wondering if
StepAside- I was wondering if you have contact with the 3 stepdaughter now? How did they turn out?
Wondering because my SD is 9- wondering if this is something that turns itself around for some people or not...
Hello to you all, Thank you
Hello to you all,
Thank you all! Wonderful and wise replies from all of you!
I agree with your replies and it helps put all things in perspective.
Moeilijik , you're right. He treats the own things he allows himself to have equally to what he allows her. He does nut think he works for all he affords and she just gets it for free. I try to tell him that presents are great, but they should be rewards, not daily constants.
StepAsise, you're right as well there's a - probably majoritary- part of him who wants to win at parenting against the BM. She's a difficult person who's treating him and us very poorly and he most likely wants to be the most loved parent
Hrnyc, I understand. And it would be great if he would take the lead at parenting! There's wonderful materials out there. Practices as methodologies. I've told him many times to not take my word for granted, but to look for accredited solutions. But he won't. And I know my "place", but I refuse to be part of a household in which there's no parenting! And bedroom, really? Is that how one treats all the kind affections of a relationship? Tenderness is a day to day act. :), unlimited to the boundaries of a room.
Anyone been through it? All
Anyone been through it? All of us have been through it!
My dh is much as you describe but even he doesn't go as far as yours does.
Number One, he WANTED his children to see normal adult affection. They really hadn't been exposed to it when their parents were married.
He also stood up like a man and proposed. Now, people have their different time tables, but in your case it sounds like he's holding off in order to avoid upsetting the snowflake. My sd17 was 12 when we started dating and it wasn't long before he told her straight out, "CGU is going to be here a long time so get used to it." Then he proposed, we married. In other words, in spite of step-struggles, he never allowed sd to control him as much as yours is allowing his daughter to control him and the course of his life.
You are living in that house? And, of course, you are half of the romance, too. So you have to start standing up for yourself and speaking up and making some demands. You are an adult and you expect to live like one. Right now you must feel like some kind of sneaky mistress who's not supposed to admit the true nature of your relationship. Puke. I couldn't live like that.
To be very clear, yes, there are troubles ahead if you don't nip this in the bud now. Those troubles include depression for you. No ifs, it WILL happen. So set up some much better boundaries with him, express your own needs and attempt to work toward a better life with him, or face the certainty of a lot of misery and depression for yourself in the future.
There are many stepparents here who would have flown like the wind knowing what they know now if faced with the scenario you describe.
Oh Dear - you are sitting
Oh Dear - you are sitting with an huge problem and if you do not resolve it now - you will have a hard time ahead of you and turn into a bitter woman.
SD is not the problem here, you SO is... You have to sit him down and talk to him, either you are his girlfriend all the time or you are not his girls friend, There's no reason why he can't hug you in front of SD and he needs to parent more. Not spoiling her, implementing basic rules and behavior etc.
He will not do this and I suggest you simply re consider this relationship or at least living apart and go on with your life, if you accept this behavior now it will always be there and nothing will change, you will resent it in 5 years time
I can sympathize with what
I can sympathize with what you are describing, it doesn't sound great to live like that. From your description though it does sound like you might be overwhelming your boyfriend with negative comments on his parenting and asserting yourself as an authority. He probably feels very defensive of his kid and his parenting skills (after all in his head he has been doing it longer than you so has more experience and knowledge than you). And his defensiveness may be making him deaf to your rationality and logic. So I would suggest cutting back on the suggestions as far as parenting go and focus on making your position and time around your sd tolerable for you. Start small. Pick one or two things that you really feel would make big improvements to how comfortable you feel in the house. Think of a couple of ways these could be tackled. Go to your boyfriend and say that you feel really uncomfortable and that if he could help change this one or two behaviors you think that it would make everything much better for all of you. Ask him if ther is anything else he thinks that could do with changing to help everyone feel more comfortable. Be open to his suggestions that involve you, listen to what he has to say and why he is asking it, if it is not unreasonable agree to try to change it. Then ask him if he has any ideas on how to change those things. Let him take the lead, if he is short on ideas offer your own but allow him to put his spin on it. Use his willingness to compromise to help find a solution together. Then help him to set out a plan as to exactly how to implement the solution. Then wait and see if he sticks to this plan and manages to do it consistently so that sd's behavior changes. At the same time, make the changes that you agreed to.
If he cannot or will not make one or two changes then that is probably an indication of things to come. At least you will know what to expect.