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Girlfriends Son

scout29's picture

Submitted by scout29 on Tue, 01/21/2014 - 4:51am

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Blended Family Issues

I'm a 29 year old single dad of a 4 yr old girl and 8 year old boy. I have been divorced three years now. I started dating my girlfriend a year ago and she is great,everything I want in a woman. However, her son is a lot different then my kids. He he is very hyperactive and doesnt listen. The dad is not in the picture and seems to be a big child himself still living with his family and not productive at all at 32 years old. So the mom worked full time while grandma watced hef son and I could see the problens from the begenning. Everybody spoiles this kid and there isn't alot of discipline or Consequences. Although my GF has made strides, this kid just doesnt listen and always manipulates to vet what he want. it's annoying to hear everyone in his family tell him no five different times and then nothing comes of it. This all hit me when my gf moved closer to where I live because we were talking marriage, but the more we had our kids together it really freaked me out. The kid bosses my daughter around and thinks he can do wbatever he wants. She has her son full time and I share custody with my kids 50/50 everyother week. I love and care for my GF so much and don't want to lose her but I panic just thinking of taking on her kid all the time. I know it would cause a lot of resentment bkth ways. Shes too nice and even said she doesnt want to break his spirit. But her son is gokng to turn out like his dad if he's not disciplined. Thats what happens when you have a strong willed boy like his father and a soft spoken overly nive Mom. Advice?

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Tue, 01/21/2014 - 5:15am

I have found that children who are the product of structured parenting by parents who are an example, mentor, confidante, advocate and disciplinarian to their children have far more spirit than the children that are the product of the free range parenting style.

If the free range children ever catch a clue it usually does not happen until they pull their bullshit with the wrong classmate who just kicks their ass. Free range kids are raised with the mistaken belief that they are special beacause they exist which is what the free range parents incessently tell the free range kids. Then they free range kid runs in to another kid who really is special because they actually perform and also have no use for the free range kid. Then the asswhoopin is applied and the "special" free range kid meets reality. This often breaks the free range kid to the point that they likely never recover enough to become a viable adult. They live a lifetime wondering why things never work out for them since they are sooooo special.

So, if you take this on in the form a marriage you will have to deal with the "special" free range SS. In my case when my bride and I married we agreed that we would be equity partners including equity parents to any children in our home. So, I disciplined my kid as I saw fit. When my DW took exception to how I disciplined or parented she had a choice. If she did not like how I disciplined or parented then she had better step up and get it done before I had too. She finally found clarity on this.

As for SS being bossy and picking on your BKs.... a fist to SS's nose by your kids will nip that shit in the bud in a hurry. The thing guranteed do fix a bully is a good asswhoopin by a kid who will not tolerate it. If SS is older than your DD then your 8yo son can certainly apply the asswhooopin. My parents were very clear in their charter to me as the eldest of 3 boys. My job was to protect my younger bros if they were in a situation where they could not protect themselves.

Let your BKs open up a can of whoopass on SS when necessary. That will solve the bullying problem.

IMHO.

Good luck.

Unfreakingreal's picture

Submitted by Unfreakingreal on Tue, 01/21/2014 - 7:39am

LOL Rags. I agree. My SD13 used to bully my 11 y/o niece. My 11 y/o niece is twice the size of SD13 but she is kind, gentle and very, very sweet. When I found out all the mean things SD was doing to my niece, I told her "If she EVER as much as looks at you sideways again, punch her in the face as hard as you possibly can. I'll deal with the fallout later."
The next time they were both together my niece told her "Auntie UFR told me that the next time you mess with me I have permission to beat the daylights out of you, so, please don't make me do it. It will hurt."
SD NEVER messed with her again, she knew my niece would hurt her.
As far as the OP goes..I had a very misbehaving son when I met my now DH. He has ADHD, he was 2-1/2 and he was seriously the worst behaved kid on the planet. I, his own mom, couldn't stand him. He was extremely spoiled, he was hyperactive, he was disobedient, he would cry, cry, cry for EVERYTHING. My DH was terribly mean to him for a really long time. By mean, I mean he would rough house with him so that he would REALLY have a crying fit. He'd take his toys away from him, taunt him. He was VERY strict with him. A lot of the time it REALLY bothered me and eventually, I made him stop. Then DH stopped interacting with him altogether, THAT hurt me more. By the time my son was around 8 years old, DH and BS started to warm up into a semi-relationship. At age 10, DH insisted I put him in football. That was the magic pill. BS loved the sport, he was able to release all his aggression and all his energy on the field. Dh, was/is very involved with BS's sports, my son is very athletic as it turns out. BS is now 16, my DH has been more of a father to that boy than his own dad. It took YEARS, it took a LOT of patience, some disengagement, a lot of fights, a lot of tears, a lot of disagreements, but in the end, my son is who he is because my DH gave a shit and didn't bail on me when things got rough.
You have to be FIRM and you HAVE to talk with the mother. We tend to be very weak when it comes to our kids, we just need support and someone with a good head on their shoulders to help us guide them.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Tue, 01/21/2014 - 8:24am

Sometimes a Step Dad will get it right and be a REAL dad to their Skids. Sounds like your DH is one of those and your DS is lucky to have such a good father in his life.

I like to think of myself as one too. My SS considers me the only father he has. Bio Dad is just a guy he used to visit occasionally. The stories that my son tells about the reaction his coworkers have when he tells stories about "Dad" and "Gangster Dad" are truly hilarious.

SS is now 21 and a self supporting viable adult. Bio Dad still lives in one of the Sperm Grandparents rental properties rent free and the SGPs raise his three youngest also out of wedlock children by 2more womb donors in their home with no help from Bio Dad.