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FSS thinks he doesn't have a dad anymore...

Salad's picture

Hi I'm new here. My fiancé and I are getting married in November and I will become stepmom to his 4 year old son (will be 5 in July). I really don't know what I'm doing most of the time so I will probably post a lot.

Some background on this situation. BM is getting divorced. Her husband has always been "daddy" to FSS. I always thought that was weird because he is so young and I don't think he understands that stepdad is not his dad. He often tells people he has 2 daddys (which has led people to ask my fiancé about his partner because they think he is gay). I've always felt that FSS believes that stepdad is his "real" daddy as I don't think anyone has ever explained bio vs step dad. All my thoughts were confirmed today when I was driving him to preschool and told him his mommy and daddy had to discuss something. His response was, "I don't have a daddy anymore." I said, "Yes you do. Why do you say that?" He starts telling me whatever his mom told him about her and stepdad getting divorced. I may have made a mistake here since no one has ever made the dad/stepdad distinction with him but I told him "Daddy *stepdad's first name* is your stepdad. Daddy *biodad's first name* is your daddy. You will always, always have him. He will be with you for the rest of your life. He's not going anywhere."

I still don't think he understands though. He's not with us very often (we have him one week a month usually, although he is living with us for about 3 months right now). He's spent most of his life calling this other man daddy and having him around all the time doing all the daddy things. I really think he believes that stepdad is his "real" dad. I know there's probably nothing that can be done about this. BM has said that stepdad wants nothing to do with FSS anymore and that she won't encourage him to call stepdad "daddy" anymore. It just makes me sad that his father who has done so much for him and loves him so much doesn't seem to occupy the #1 daddy spot in his mind, and that this other man (who has basically abandoned him) does.

Salad's picture

That was my thought too. She thinks she's making up for it by saying he can call me mommy once I marry his father.

Salad's picture

We were doing every other weekend with us but she would constantly cancel for one reason or another. We went to the one week a month because it was "easier". She stopped canceling so that was good. But I agree it's not the best arrangement. Unfortunately there isn't really anything to be done there. It will be changing again soon when he starts kindergarten. BM lives 4 hours away from us so we won't be able to have him during the week anymore without him missing school. I don't know what they will decide to do at that point. His dad doesn't really want to argue with her about the visitation schedule. He is supposed to get primary custody when FSS turns 11 and he doesn't want to do anything to make BM change her mind.

And yeah. This is her 5th marriage. She should know by now it's not going to last so she shouldn't be having her kid call someone daddy. I'm worried she's going to do it again next time she gets married.

indie68's picture

BM is driving a wedge in between your fiance and SS. Quite frankly it's fucked up and since she's the primary parent, what she says, I promise you he will believe for a long time until he's old enough to see through her shit. I also agree that the amount of time he's spending is not sufficient enough. The fact that he's missing out on his son's life because he's afraid of her is ridiculous. My husband tip toes around his ex too and it makes me INSANE. Stand up for yourself! This is your child too! She sounds like a real piece of work and you should ask your fiance the same thing I ask my husband, "Why the hell did you marry her?!" Wink

Salad's picture

He married her because she got knocked up. Why he slept with her in the first place is still a mystery. They were both in the military and she was getting stationed somewhere else so they got married to try and be kept in the same place so he could be around his son. But they moved her anyway and not him so they got divorced. She got remarried a week later to the guy she is divorcing now.

I understand why he kind of lets her run things. They worked everything out out of court and he doesn't want to start fighting her on things and have to go to court and put FSS through all of that unhappiness. I really think she was expecting my fiancé to not want to be involved. He's a lot younger than her (and was pretty young when she got pregnant) so I think she thought she was dealing with a young guy who wouldn't be ready and would just visit occasionally but not want to be very involved. Which as not at all what she got. And you are right, she is trying to drive a wedge. At one point she tried to convince my fiancé to let her and her husband's last name to FSS's last name. WTF?!?! Why in the hell would you ask that?? Why would you think he would be ok with that??? I wasn't in their lives at this point but it sounds like she fought him on it. In the end, there was something else she wanted more than he didn't really care about so he said he'd agree to it if she would quit trying to change FSS's last name. And now she's divorcing the guy and trying to get full custody of the son she has with him.

Last night my mom was babysitting for us and when we got home she told us FSS said his mommy told him that his stepdad doesn't love him anymore. My mom told him that wasn't true and that his stepdad does love him but FSS wouldn't believe it. He just kept saying "No he doesn't." My fiancé doesn't believe FSS's mom said that to him but I wouldn't put it past her.