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Frustrated w/SD

frustratedsmoc's picture

I'm so frustrated with my SD I don't know what to do. There is constant manipulation and I understand I've taken a lot of time from her that her father once spent with her and now he does the things with me that he once did with her. For a few years, it was just the two of them. She is a pre-teen now and still acts emotionally like she's 7. She pouts when she doesn't get her way. She manipulates events and circumstances with me and my children to try to make her father and I fight. I've become more and more aware of how manipulative she is more recently. Before I thought it was normal childhood manipulation, until I was recorded a few nights ago on her phone. She and I had been in a disagreement, she decided to go call her father and tell on me, like a 7 year old. She knew I knew she called her father. When I walked back into the room she was in, she was already prepared and recorded the entire conversation she and I had. She accused me of yelling at her and when her father came home played it for him, thinking she was going to get him on her side and get us into a fight, which is what normally happens. To my surprise and I'm pretty sure hers, he didn't side with her and wanted to know why she felt like she needed to record me and then he began calling her out on her behavior. He also told her he didn't disagree with anything I said to her in the conversation, so her manipulation in that scenario backfired, but the fact that she tried to manipulate that infuriates me. She does not like her father and I being together and has told my daughter that a number of times. However, she says whatever daddy wants to hear and will lie to him and tell him "I just want you to be happy". I finally got her to admit she wishes it was just the two of them again. She doesn't look at all the positive things that have happened since I've been in her life, she just looks at the negative and acts like the jealous other woman. She wants to sit by him everywhere we go...dinner, movies, the couch. She's always in our bedroom or coming into our bedroom to talk to him. She wants to walk with him and hold his hand when we are out in public. Thank goodness, he's not one of the father's who lets his daughter take his wife's place or act like the wife/girlfriend and he says, "no you can go sit there" or "we're not doing that". I feel like b/c it was them for so long, she took on the wife role while he was working and did most of the household chores, etc. She doesn't act her age and would rather stay home and clean up after her father, than go do age appropriate things with kids her own age. She has very few friends and we have to force her to do things outside of the family b/c she would be fine following her father around like a puppy all day long. I've done all the motherly things for her....dealing with bra shopping, periods, etc. I take her clothes shopping and to do fun things, but nothing is appreciated. I only get a thank you if it's forced upon her or I'm feeding her. I never get apologies for her behavior towards me, but give them to her, even when it's not necessary. She lives with us full-time and mom is out of the picture. I feel like I/we never get any relief from her nonstop drama and unhealthy attachment to her father.

frustratedsmoc's picture

She has moments with my kids. One of my kids is older than her and the other is younger. She can be their best friend or worst enemy depending on her mood. Mother basically abandoned the family for drugs a few years ago when SD was 7 or so.

frustratedsmoc's picture

I'm lucky that her father has put his foot down when it comes to some of those things, b/c I've read other parents struggles where the dad doesn't do that. So for him doing that, I'm thankful.

Tigereyes's picture

She sounds like a little a@@hole. She is lucky you have tried so hard to be nice to her and buy her shit. If I was there I wouldn't spend a cent on her. Hopefully your husband wont let her split you two up. Best wishes!

frustratedsmoc's picture

I understand that it is tough for her. But what she's missing is that my kids are having to share me with her and her father too. The father of my kids is not much of a father and might as well not even see them. He is emotionally not there when he is physically there and does nothing with the kids. He leaves them with whomever will watch them to go fill his own needs with booze or women. I'm the only one who gives my kids actual attention. Now they have my SO. But they share me with him and his daughter as much as he's shared with me. In fact, his daughter gets more alone time with him still than I do with my kids. I understand the difficulty and I've tried to be just friend, I've tried to be mom...it doesn't matter what I do, she resents me and my children.

momof4andsk's picture

You have one major thing going for you, and it's that your husband is willing to make this a team effort and does not indulge his child's behavior. That is 100% all you need to do to get through this. SD is still trying to adjust and she is still working to alienate you from her father. It seems to me, the only way that will work is if YOU allow it to. The more the pair of you show a united front toward the child, the more quickly she will come around. Try not to take it personally in the meantime and still do try to be a good parent to her (even though you are not THE parent). Things will fall into place.